Demystifying Agency Job Advert Terms

[vetran]

Use to working with teams based overseas
Can deal with lying people from a certain country who deliver rubbish late.

you forgot you get to work early with the offshored 'development' team and late with the US because they are too busy to talk to you in the mornings.

[MyUserName]

Can liase with all levels of the business
Everyone will blame you

Strong personality
W*nker

[CoolCat]

"Agile experience" prepared to put up with total chaos, over promising by junior staff direct to the senior customer and management by committee.

“Defence experience” worked on big ICT programmes with ex and current military officers in charge who may well be able to run a signals regiment well but are clueless at the basics of how to run an ICT programme.

“Experience of dealing with multiple cultures” prepared to put up with hundreds of useless Bobs failing to deliver, nodding, and spreading their nasty caste on caste and anti British racism around.

“Infrastructure Architect” can count servers in a data centre.

“Data Architect” comes up with pretty diagrams which are completely pointless when all the COTS packages have pre existing data structures anyways.

“PMO experience” skilled at nagging everyone else on a programme to fill in their timesheets and organising conference calls.

[SueEllen]

Vibrant and dynamic workplace Don't bother applying for the role if you are over 40 and don't look under it.

[SueEllen]

So you've worked at a Northern-based supermarket too?

Nope but it reminds me:

Must have experience of online retail You must have experience of cutting corners and not having enough staff to deliver on time. And if we are an outsourcer we will blame you, personally by name, for the project not being delivered on time and to the budget we made up to win the project from the client.

Must have experience of finance
You must be use to doing dull work and dealing with *******.

Must have experience of public sector
Must have experience of people taking a long time to make a decision and then changing their minds at the last minute when everything is nearly finished.

[Antman]

Wonderful thread!

[CoolCat]

"5 years experience in X" where X is a version of software only released 6 months ago, only in beta for 6 months prior to that, and wasnt even imagined by the people who wrote it 2 years ago...

[SimonMac]

Latest Technologies

This is a copy and paste fishing advert from last year and I am too lazy to change any of the text

[MyUserName]

Must have experiences of Fixed Income, swaps, options, forwards, futures and forex in a back office environment.
If you do you will know more than the interviewer and probably more than most of the team but we have to filter CVs somehow.

Front office
Traders will scream at you and threaten to beat you up when they are drunk on Friday afternoons. Unless you are a girl in which case traders will scream at you and try to touch you up when they are drunk on Friday afternoons.

Mid office
No one knows what this is - even when it exists it is never the same thing twice.

Back office
Can you work on fiddly boring code under high stress in a legacy system which no one understands?

Complex multitheaded code
Written by a smart arse who wanted a job for life and has now left without documenting anything (see back office).

Work from high level specs
Must be lucky or a mind reader - or a lucky mind reader.

Attention to detail
Everything will be your fault and no one else will care or make any effort to get things right (often linked to complex multithreaded code).

[CoolCat]

Client Principal - Salesman

Regional Director - Salesman