Perspective

[cojak]

All I had to do to get that role was to say "YES! A pivot chart and table would be great, I can even colour code it for you" and then once I was on site tell them sorry, this data is going in a DB.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

I would have thrown in a 'ping!' for good measure...

[moggy]

Ironically, if you're looking for contract roles, about 10 seconds. I've turned down three definite offers for permie roles at decent salaries in the past 12 months, one of which I applied for the other two of which came looking for me.

Of course, it's always more difficult if a permie role is what you're actually looking for. I've started exploring permie roles this month with the paucity of contracts that have been on offer, and all you get is "why do you want to go permanent?", and other nonsense like asking you which University you went to etc, despite the fact that it's been 15 years since I left.

There's one particular company up here that nobody entertains any more that was constantly asking for a degree from a "Red Brick University" in their adverts. Tell them that you actually went to one of the Ancient Universities instead, and they'd say no that wasn't good enough. It was as clear a case of "I don't think that word means what you think it means" as I've ever seen.

When in need a permie role is nothing more than a 6 to 12 month contract.

at least you have the olympics to keep you entertained for the summer.

[psychocandy]

I've been reading with interest this week about other CUKers experiences of the trials and tribulations of being on "death march projects" and working for clients that represent "Public Sector to the power of Politburo", etc. I sympathise with my fellow contractors, I really do. But, just by way of balance, and perhaps to make you feel a little more fortunate in at least having a client to bemoan, here is the View From The Bench.

Since I started looking in earnest for my next gig in late May, there have been pretty slim pickings. In that time, I've had only three interviews. One of them had me concerned before I'd even walked in the door, since their public-facing website was a dodgy-looking SharePoint Page (replete with "Edit this page" widgets) that looked as unprofessional a shop window on the world as I'd ever seen. When I did some due diligence to check them out, I wasn't further reassured. They seemed to be a small-fry father-and-daughter outfit, and used to have a business running the 'hotel' that they were now operating out of, which had since become a business centre. Somewhere along the way from being a cross between Fawlty Towers and a (mostly vacant) Business Centre, they had also decided to become a "Sharepoint Consultancy". Oh, and, the icing on the cake was that the front page of their website for some reason featured a stock photo of a guy that looked like Jim Carey pulling a 'funny' face. Nonetheless, as they say every interview is at least experience and one step closer to your next role, so I went along on a 100-mile round trip to see them, despite my reservations. Besides, I thought, I've worked in all sorts of environments large and small, and to be honest some of the very best places haven't had a huge staff or an impressive website. However, this didn't prove to be one of those places.

It was raining that day, and I dashed from my car with my umbrella, into the building, nearly removing their front door completely from its precarious doorframe in the process. I put down my brolly, only to realise that I had to put it right back up again, because it was raining inside too. There were huge holes in the ceiling via which a torrent of water was coming in, and being deposited into buckets and basins strewn all around the floor of their "reception area". I'll spare you the details of the actual interview, other than to say that it contained the notable phrases "We'll be able to do the hard work like installing SharePoint and setting up a basic site ourselves, we just need you to do the 'easy' stuff like creating some Web Parts" (I had made clear to the agency before the interview that I don't offer SharePoint development, not because it's any harder than the bespoke .net development I'd said I could offer, but because it's tedious and the end results are invariably crap), "Developers always make their technical work sound so much more difficult than it really is", "Source control? What source control?" and "Don't worry, we can help with the Sharepoint stuff – we can help you to name variables and that kind of thing". Because, you know, naming variables is the main problem faced by experienced developers today.

Immediately after I got home from the Bates SharePoint Motel, I phoned the agent and told him this opportunity alas wasn't for me. I was told that was a shame as they'd actually chosen me over the other guy, and asked if that changed my mind? It didn't. However, they still called me again a week later to say that the whole project had fallen through anyway. I guess their "European client" must have come to the same conclusion about Basil Fawlty & Daughter's professionalism that I had.

My next interview was in the financial services sector, which to be honest I usually don't apply to as a rule. But, needs must. The building itself seemed OK (no basins or buckets on the floor anyway – things were looking up already). However, the interview itself took place in a noisy work canteen, which tbh I found a bit distracting. I didn't give my best performance, and I wasn't offered the role. I think the point that I blew my chances was when I was honest enough to give them a realistic estimate of the time their project would take. They'd budgeted for a 6 month contract from that point forwards, and I felt the work could be done within that timescale. However, they'd been struggling to get to grips with some technologies that I'm already familiar with for the six months preceding my involvement, and I was foolish enough to say by way of mitigation for their efforts to date: "You do find that when you're getting up to speed with a new technology, 80% of your time is spent getting that first crucial 20% of the functionality complete, then it's all plain sailing from there". They looked very concerned at this, and said they hoped that wasn't true. Digging myself down even further, I went on to say "Well, how long have you spent already?, and how much of the project is complete?" (Answer: six months spent already, and "no more than 1-2% complete"). So, half the time gone already, and 98% of the functionality to go. Point made, I had hoped, but it seemed to only make them even more edgy to have things explained in brutally realistic terms like that.

Other highlights of that particular interview included me trying and failing to add a little humour to proceedings. They asked me if I'd had experience of working in large teams, and I said I'd worked in both large and small groups (note to self: next time you are asked this particular question, simply say "yes", and leave it at that). As an example, I went on to talk about a project I'd done for the police involving other technical staff and serving police officers, to produce a national product. I unwisely quipped that, as I'd never been arrested myself, my only knowledge of the police's working practices had necessarily come from speaking directly with those police officers that were experts in the process being modelled. Cue more tumbleweed than if Frankie Boyle had been accidentally booked for a Disabled Kids charity after-dinner speaking gig. The group of noisy staff that had been laughing and joking boisterously at the next table even dropped a decibel, my attempt at lightening the mood had fallen so flat.

There was one other interview, that I wont bore you with. Suffice to say it wasn't as outrageously bad as the first, nor as noisy and Alan Partridge-esque as the second, but it was every bit as fruitless as both.

Cut to this week. I found myself applying for a role with a company that had a requirement for a short piece of consultancy to "finish off" work that had been started by somebody else (red flag: #1). They needed someone for 1 month, and the job spec read a bit like "Van driver required, must have experience driving red vans". There was an industry-specific spec that they needed a .net system built to, not unlike any of the literally hundreds of other specs I've built systems to for other clients over the years. However, they did seem to be of the opinion that their particular requirements were infinitely more unique and complex than everybody else's bespoke systems have been (red flag: #2). But they'd nonetheless only allowed a month to get this piece of work that apparently required the skills of a rocket surgeon done (red flag: #3). I got the feedback this afternoon: apparently my CV is excellent (isn't it always), but they're a bit concerned that I wont be able to complete the three projects (!) they had in mind in the month they'd budgeted for, so would I consider working for just a week to get one of their requirements completed instead? Also, they'd like to send their spec through, and could I have a look at it for a day, and then get back to them with my thoughts? (red flag: #4).

It was at this juncture that I explained to the agent that even the 1 month they'd originally asked for wasn't a lot of time to allow for a project to get done in the first place. And the fact they thought that it was "nearly finished", but didn't have anyone onsite that could actually finish it, was a sure sign they weren't being realistic. Lastly, I said I didn't think they'd find a contractor that would be willing to provide a day's free consultancy in the form of requirements analysis, when the "urgent" work apparently on offer had dropped from one month to only 5 days billable time.


So, bottom line chaps, if you're feeling a little depressed this week at having to put up with some bureaucracy or other, somebody's lack of realism, or just a bleary cold-morning start in the peeing rain, console yourself that there's undoubtedly somebody out there that's having an even worse week than you, and who furthermore isn't even getting paid for the privilege. This week, that person happens to be me.

Yeh. The 'Van driver wanted: must be have experience of red vans' thing really pisses me off.

See loads of job specs with 10 ESSENTIAL skills on. You send your CV with 6 EXACT, and 4 SIMILAR and its no good.

And usually the rate is crap too. You see them marked as URGENT but they keep reappearing on jobserve time and time again.

Sometimes I think the client must be praying for divine intervention and the perfect candidate to appear out of the clouds or something.

[TestMangler]

I've driven a red van, if that's any help.

In fact, now I think about it, I've driven 3.

Single or double wheelbase ? These details are important.

[Bunk]

I've driven a red van, if that's any help.

In fact, now I think about it, I've driven 3.

When can you start?

And can you send two references?

[Gentile]

Yeh. The 'Van driver wanted: must be have experience of red vans' thing really pisses me off.

See loads of job specs with 10 ESSENTIAL skills on. You send your CV with 6 EXACT, and 4 SIMILAR and its no good.

And usually the rate is crap too. You see them marked as URGENT but they keep reappearing on jobserve time and time again.

Sometimes I think the client must be praying for divine intervention and the perfect candidate to appear out of the clouds or something.

Yes, I think I stole that one from you: it's a brilliant analogy.

[Gentile]

I've driven a red van, if that's any help.

In fact, now I think about it, I've driven 3.

You also have to drive it without consuming any diesel, and they want it to be blue when you arrive at the destination. Can you drive your red van across and they'll let you know if it's any good*?








* Sorry, they forgot to mention, you also need to bring your own red/blue van.

[Gentile]

Ah. You want the electrodynamically coloured van option.

Last thing, their budget isn't £30k any more, it's £30. Can you write a quick spec today and get back to them?

[norrahe]

Chin up and hopefully something will come up soon.

You've only been benched a few months, so keep plugging if the warchest allows.

I've been benched for 5 months and just relinquishing my place on the bench to take something unfortunately in another country as the market is dead in cloggers, but "needs must" as you say. I did turn down a lot of stuff in the first few months as most of the offers were based in the UK as interviews were plentiful in cloggers.
Unfortunately those turned out to be "projects was canned" or "not signed off" in the first place before interview or in one instance turned up for what I assumed to be a contract role only to be told the job was permie.
I take this one with trepidation as I'm still waiting to hear back on a gig in cloggers, (someone is on holiday) and also the agency has been a right mare and a bully about contracts.

I'm tempted to send the contracts back signed by the NorPusses.

[doomage]

You don't have to be a prostitute

This always cheers me up if the bench approaches

You don't have to be a prostitute, no no no no no
You can say no to being a man-ho, a male gigolo
You don't have to be a prostitute, no no no no no
You can say no to being a night looker, boy hooker, rent boy, bro-ho

He can't see his way out
I cannot see my way out
He can't see his way out
Male prostitution seems to be my only option
He can't see his way out
I cannot see my way out
He can't see his way out
No, no, no, no, no

He's selling cheap thrills to pay expensive bills
But check your resume, you must have some other skills
Do you have any other skills?
Like typing?

Also, bench time should be Plan B time, right? Like, if you're so clever and know so much, why not properly work for yourself, instead of chasing disguised permie roles? (I ask myself this every day. Kind of depressing actually...)

Or come down to London, start-ups are crying out for good techies. Or do something mental, like drop the static typing and dive into ruby, or go functional and try some clojure.

Or become a crazy cat lady.