Boarding school - good idea or bad idea?

[Mich the Tester]

I can't be sure, because I don't recall it ever happening; but at the boarding schools I was at, parents suddenly turning up out of the blue unannounced would have been considered rather eccentric and bad form, unless of course their child was seriously ill or something.

And here you see how a situation can be perpetuated. There is quite simply no justification whatsoever to stop a parent turning up to see their child; I'm not suggesting they should interfere with lessons, but at any other time the parents have the right to see their children. Any attempt to stop parents coming and seeing their children appears to me to be rather suspicious. Perhaps it could be upsetting for those kids who don't recieve visits, in which case the problem lies with the parents of those kids. Sorry, but this 'bad form' crap gets in the way of the sort of transparency that's needed to prevent troubles happening again.

[Mich the Tester]

Do you follow your children everywhere then? I don't know about you but I can tell whether my children are happy/doing well. I make sure that I engage with their teachers and housemasters, sports coaches etc sufficiently well and have the necessary communication skills to not have to turn up unannounced.

Lots of parents say that; lots of them are wrong. Not saying you are, but remember that kids at boarding school are capable of hiding their feelings very well indeed; they're conditioned by the environment to do so.

As for turning up unannounced; you won't know until you try it.

I certainly wish someone had done that when I was too ashamed to tell my parents what was happening.

[Mich the Tester]

Yes, teachers never have been too keen on random checks being made on their ability and prowess. Private schools or otherwise.

Indeed; somehow I've never been concerned about people randomly checking up on the quality of my work.

[DodgyAgent]

I have no doubt that the majority of Boarding Schools can offer a very good education. With the prices they charge they can attract good quality teaching staff, and they in turn will generally be working with children from the deeper regions of the gene pool. It is therefore not that surprising that with both good quality students and staff, that results are elevated accordingly.
However, the bigger question is "Why did you bother having children if you simply want to farm them off to someone else to raise for you?"
Why not simply buy a dog?

Of course there are instances where a good Boarding School is a very sensible option, but there seems to be a tendency amongst many people to simply ship them off there when the novelty has worn off. Very often this results in damaged individuals. And to make it worse, they often end up in positions of influence from which they can pass the havoc down the line.

For that reason, I am out.

Your "bigger question" is based on Quantity rather than Quality. I have friends who have teenage children at day schools who either lock themselves in their rooms or disappear down to town centres or parks to meet up with friends and goodness knows who.

The important thing about being with children is not about them being around all the time but about what you do with them when they are around. It is not always an option to "day" them at a school of your choice - try commuting to Stowe from Chiswick every day.

[OwlHoot]

... I certainly wish someone had done that when I was too ashamed to tell my parents what was happening.

I sympathise if it was what it sounds like; but who is to say you would have been able to tell them in person anyway, when you always had the (arguably easier) opportunity to tell them in a letter? (assuming your post wasn't monitored, which admittedly isn't unheard of at boarding schools).

[Mich the Tester]

It is not always an option to "day" them at a school of your choice - try commuting to Stowe from Chiswick every day.

So you choose another school or you move house or you accept you have a long drive each day. That's the kind of choice you have to make if you become a parent. Maybe it even means sacrificing your wonderful career and taking a job that's a bit lower down the social scale; if so, hard luck. You want kids? OK then; take responsibility instead of outsourcing it.

[Mich the Tester]

I sympathise if it was what it sounds like; but who is to say you would have been able to tell them in person anyway, when you always had the (arguably easier) opportunity to tell them in a letter? (assuming your post wasn't monitored, which admittedly isn't unheard of at boarding schools).

Post was sometimes monitored, but that's besides the point; when this sort of thing happens, kids tend not to tell their parents about it, especially if they live away from home; that's why a lot of abuse cases occur many years after the events and why things continued for so long, not just in the British system. There's a much greater chance that parents will pick up on the clues when they see their kids every day and then have the opportunity to talk to their kids about them.

[DodgyAgent]

I certainly wish someone had done that when I was too ashamed to tell my parents what was happening.

I do accept your point about children "bottling up" their feelings. Mine do but I can still read them. I also like you wish my parents had intervened, but this was nothing to do with them not knowing, it was that they did know/sensed the truth, but chose to turn the other way. Times have so changed.

[Mich the Tester]

I do accept your point about children "bottling up" their feelings. Mine do but I can still read them. I also like you wish my parents had intervened, but this was nothing to do with them not knowing, it was that they did know/sensed the truth, but chose to turn the other way. Times have so changed.

I don't mean to be nasty in this; I genuinely hope you're right and I'm sure you're doing your best for your kids; despite being an agent you seem pretty decent on these things, but I'm concerned that some boarding schools might just be putting on an act; they did that when I was there, and as I see it it's only parents that can really act to prevent that, by, for example, just turning up from time to time, or even getting a trusted friend or relative (trusted by the child too) to do that.

If boarding schools these days really are open to critical examination and are more transparent, I can't see any legitimate reason for them to object, other than interrupting with classes.

[Mich the Tester]

I once wrote a letter to my mum begging her to come and take me home; I didn't explain what had happened at the time as I thought I'd do that when I saw here. She didn't come, as far as I knew. I know now that she did come and wanted to see me; the headmaster told her that he'd just seen me running around laughing (something I certainly don't remember), there was nothing wrong and she shouldn't see me as it would only stop me adapting to being away from home. The deceitful piece of tulip.

Sorry the story I tell isn't very structured but it isn't easy to remember all this.

Just be glad it hasn't made me into a violent psycho! (yet)