Openness and Honesty in a Relationship

[shaunbhoy]

I have a hidden past, one that I'm not proud of, actually I'm quite ashamed of it.

You are not Menelaus are you?

[norrahe]

What impact will it have on your relationship?

Things is how can we ("the clinically insane") advise if we don't know what it is and how it affects your life.

If it will never come up again then leave it.

[BrilloPad]

I have a hidden past, one that I'm not proud of, actually I'm quite ashamed of it. Question is, as I'm now in a serious relationship, should I volunteer that fact? It could mean the end of the relationship.

And no, I'm not going to tell you what it is.

Yes. If it ends the relationship it was never meant to be.

And the sooner you say the better.

[BrowneIssue]

I have a hidden past, one that I'm not proud of, actually I'm quite ashamed of it. Question is, as I'm now in a serious relationship, should I volunteer that fact? It could mean the end of the relationship.

I have slept on this and can now give my considered opinion.

You call this a "serious relationship". Do you intend this to be the person you will spend the rest of your life with? The person who will see you blind drunk and forgive you? The person who will look after you when you are delirious with flu? The person who will stay with you when you go through months of depression when you realise you are redundant in your early 50s? The person who will not nag you forever when you total the car making an unwise manoeuvre? The person who will wipe your arse when you slip on ice and sprain both wrists? The person who will let you cry on their shoulder when an old friend dies? The person who will care for you during the few years it takes you to die of senile dementia?

Don't they deserve the truth?


You will expose other weaknesses in the future and expect them to tolerate those. Test the water now.


Reverse the roles. Could you forgive this person of the same sin / crime?


Do you want this relationship built on a lie?


The thing you did in the past of which you are ashamed: there must be a reason you did it. There must be some form of an explanation. Think that through; it aids forgiveness. I take it you are no longer doing that which made you ashamed. That means you must have changed. Think through that change: that also aids forgiveness.


Women love a reformed character. They know that they are safe when their man is one who can turn his hand to doing whatever it takes to survive. They also like to know he can be changed; it makes them think they can mould you into whatever they want.


When you hear about someone who used to be a wastrel, a junkie, a burglar who has transformed themselves and cleaned themselves up and are now loaded and famous, do you hate them? Do you believe prisoners should not be allowed to keep lottery winnings? How about your partner: can they comprehend people can change? What do think will happen when they find out?


How does this sound: "This relationship is different; I want to spend my life with you. However, I am imperfect and need you to know something before we can go any further. I am going to tell you something and your reaction determines whether we go our separate ways or stay together forever. It's like this..." She will either be flattered, or run a mile. But your mind will be at rest.

Yes. If it ends the relationship it was never meant to be. And the sooner you say the better.

Yeah. Same thing. But better said!

[thunderlizard]

Heck no. Bygones be bygones. Water under the bridge. Mum's the word. Don't go burdening an innocent loved one with your disgusting baggage whatever it is.

hth
tl

[jmo21]

It is difficult to judge without knowing what it is.

I'm assuming you do know some people on here personally, because otherwise what would be the harm in telling people who don't know who you are.

If it is something really bad, for example rape, something to do with children, murder, then yes, I can see why you would not want to tell anyone who didn't already know.

If it was one of those, or something similarly bad, then it would be all the worse when the better half inevitably found out.

I know I'd want to know.

Even for lesser crimes (I'm assuming it's a crime, clearly it may not be) there will be a scale of reactions, and only you can figure that out based on what it is, and how strong your relationship is, and how tolerant your better half may be.

Good luck.

EDIT: in fact, what BrownIssue and BP said!

[nomadd]

Heck no. Bygones be bygones. Water under the bridge. Mum's the word. Don't go burdening an innocent loved one with your disgusting baggage whatever it is.

hth
tl

+1

WHS.

Nomadd

[norrahe]

I have slept on this and can now give my considered opinion.

You call this a "serious relationship". Do you intend this to be the person you will spend the rest of your life with? The person who will see you blind drunk and forgive you? The person who will look after you when you are delirious with flu? The person who will stay with you when you go through months of depression when you realise you are redundant in your early 50s? The person who will not nag you forever when you total the car making an unwise manoeuvre? The person who will wipe your arse when you slip on ice and sprain both wrists? The person who will let you cry on their shoulder when an old friend dies? The person who will care for you during the few years it takes you to die of senile dementia?

Don't they deserve the truth?


You will expose other weaknesses in the future and expect them to tolerate those. Test the water now.


Reverse the roles. Could you forgive this person of the same sin / crime?


Do you want this relationship built on a lie?


The thing you did in the past of which you are ashamed: there must be a reason you did it. There must be some form of an explanation. Think that through; it aids forgiveness. I take it you are no longer doing that which made you ashamed. That means you must have changed. Think through that change: that also aids forgiveness.


Women love a reformed character. They know that they are safe when their man is one who can turn his hand to doing whatever it takes to survive. They also like to know he can be changed; it makes them think they can mould you into whatever they want.


When you hear about someone who used to be a wastrel, a junkie, a burglar who has transformed themselves and cleaned themselves up and are now loaded and famous, do you hate them? Do you believe prisoners should not be allowed to keep lottery winnings? How about your partner: can they comprehend people can change? What do think will happen when they find out?


How does this sound: "This relationship is different; I want to spend my life with you. However, I am imperfect and need you to know something before we can go any further. I am going to tell you something and your reaction determines whether we go our separate ways or stay together forever. It's like this..." She will either be flattered, or run a mile. But your mind will be at rest.


Yeah. Same thing. But better said!

Well said!

WHS

[vetran]

You said I did?

Now the question is did you have any choice?

If you were a junkie and stole for your habit or got into a fight and really hurt someone - in a way you had little choice after the first mistake.

If you were running a global drug ring for 10 years thats quite another.

The question is how would you feel if she found out later? How will it colour your relationship if you don't tell her?

How would you feel if she told you a similar sectret?

[BrilloPad]

If you were running a global drug ring for 10 years thats quite another.

If that is the case she might want to know where all the money is!