Office joker

[nomadd]

There's an office joker at the new gig. Always cracking jokes. Loud, gregarious. These jokes have a common butt to them.

Me.

Don't really want to make a fuss, but FFS

Anyone had this. What did you do? How did it pan out.

It's grinding me down a bit. Starting to bring it home with me a little.

Never, ever ignore people like this - it will only get worse.

In 20 years of contracting, I've always resorted to immediately taking the pi55 back, and continuing to do so, even unprompted, until the a-hole goes away. I stick at it for days/weeks if I have to, and quite enjoy the 'sport'; kinda take it as a personal challenge. People like this are always chicken, and never seem to like a taste of their own medicine, so they go away and find easier pickings elsewhere.

Nomadd

[Zippy]

What nomadd said

[RichardCranium]

Start complaining about things going missing: pens, USB sticks, etc. Leave such items in his desk after work.


Is he on LinkedIn? Copy 'n' paste his LinkedIn profile into a document, add his manager's job title & responsibilities as his most recent job, put "CV" at the top, print it, and leave it in the photocopier out tray as if it had been the original left behind.


Register him on Monster and the other crap job sites.


Post to d00hg's blog as "The Real Cyberman" giving the office joker's email address.


Subscribe him to job & porn mailing lists that do not require confirmation emails. (There are certainly job sites that do not require email confirmation to subscribe.)


In Word, mock up a fake email with him as recipient with whatever unsuitable material you like in the body and print it to a communal printer.


In Word, mock up an email from the office slut to the office gossip saying how the office joker waved his willy at her and it was so small she just laughed. Print it to a communal printer.


Create a Googlemail account using his name. Knock up a CV in his name and upload it to the job sites. Ensure his desk number is on the CV and his manager's details are included on the CV as the 1st referee and the local Director as the 2nd referee.


You know how there's always a box in the machine room full of new and spare bits? Tape it shut and write "PROPERTY OF OFFICE JOKER" on the top.


Go through all the new flip chart pads in the stationery cupboard and all the flip charts in the conference rooms and on the 3rd sheet of all of them write "SUITYOU01 BLOWS GOATS". He will get such a bollocking for that.


You have a baby, yes? Make sure all your other colleagues know about your small child not being at all well at the moment and your wife is really quite worried . Then, when alone with Office Joker, tell him you really appreciate the attention and you are flattered but your boyfriend doesn't like open relationships. But the good news is that your boyfriend is going away next week and it would be OK for Office Joker to come round and stay overnight then. You'll do breakfast and be really discrete in work afterwards, you promise not to tell anyone. He will never talk to you again but when he tells the others you are gay and how you propositioned him...


Alternatively, when he does it in front of lots of people, just say "I am aware I am always at the centre of your thoughts, and I have been putting off telling you this for fear of hurting you, but I must tell you I am married and have a child and your coquettishness, although really flattering, is misplaced. People are already talking about us, and I have been warned off getting involved, but there is no 'us' and here can be no 'us'. I'm sorry to let you down, and I really, really hope I haven't hurt your feelings."


Piss in his coffee.


A 6" nail leaned against a tyre at the right angle will cause some inconvenience before going home. Two 6" nails leaned against two different tyres at the right angle will really bugger up someone's evening.


Turn off his PC when he leaves it unattended. Do not shut it down, just pull out the mains lead, wait a few seconds, and put it back.


Keep sabotaging his network lead such that it looks like he keeps pulling it and damaging it himself.


When he's not around, keep trying to log into his PC using his account until the account gets locked.


Keep changing the contrast on his monitor, just a little bit, each day, to make it harder and harder to read. The horizontal or vertical settings will work just as well.


Put one paperclip in his keyboard each day. Shake the keyboard to hide it when you put it in.


Got any access to iron filings? No, on second thoughts, don't do that.


Buy some 'exotic' condoms and put them in his desk with his stationery.


Keep a diary of every time he says or does something. When it has 20 entries, give it, without saying anything, to a manager. If it does not reach 20 entries it is you being too sensitive.

[d000hg]

...

Holy crap you've an evil man.

[PRC1964]

You've really thought about this haven't you.

Still, some damned good ideas there.

[Zippy]

RC - remind me to never, ever seriously piss you off

[nomadd]

Start complaining about things going missing: pens, USB sticks, etc. Leave such items in his desk after work.

Well, I would have started by filling his desk with copies of Gay Times, but each to his own, I guess...

Nomadd

[Diver]

Go to B&Q
Purchase a tin of expanding foam (Filler Foam) and a 1m length of 5mm tubing
tape tubing to nozzle of expanding foam
insert tubing into his cars exhaust pipe as far as it will go
press button on can and empty tin of foam into his exhaust pipe
When can is empty, withdraw tubing

Result: car will start and cut out. garage will strip electronics, fuel system and finally engine trying to find fault (unless it's a particularly bright or dumb fitter)

[Board Game Geek]

Go to one of those "Build You Own Teddy" shops.

Make up a nice teddy, preferably with a cap or t-shirt that says "You may be the Officer Joker !"

Before finishing him off, slip in a couple of small zip-lock bags, that you brought earlier, and filled with a few choice cuts from the meat or fish counter.

Pack him in a nice box, add a card signed "From your workmates" and post it to his work address.

When he opens it up, he'll no doubt be well pleased with himself, and leave it on his desk for all to admire.

That evening, make sure you are the last to leave, and then stab the teddy a few times with a sharp pin, piercing the bags.

Send another card the following day that says "But your jokes stink."

The aroma will do the rest as the week wears on.

[Board Game Geek]

Anonymous SMS messaging

Everyone likes getting presents. It's so much fun. What's even more fun is when the present arrives in a large zip-lock bag, stuffed full of foam beans.

That just means you have to open it up and stuff your hand inside to find out what the surprise is !

Oh poo...