Going through a divorce

[BlackenedBiker]

My experience was:

Fighting costs emotion, time and money and will end up in court where any money will get hoovered up by oily lawyers who don't give a toss about the outcome.

Take a step back and then talk it through with your other half. Find out what their needs are and then tell them what you expectations are. See if you can find some common ground.

If you find it hard to talk about this just the two of you alone then get in touch with an mediation service (I think that that is the term - we never had to use them).

Then use a lawyer simply to draw up the contract and get through the emotional process of the divorce ASAP.

My divorce cost me £30K full and final settlement because I took that approach, I feel that if I had fought over every little thing it would have cost me a lot more.

There were no kids involved, that will complicate the details a lot more but not necessarily the process.

I hope that it all works out, Good Luck

[expat]

Yikes - thats pretty shocking!

I understand the child maint bit and even the house (at a stretch) if the kids are young etc but.... I just can't believe there are that many women out there with little or no dignity.

Woman scorned and all that malarkey fair enough, but you still have to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning....

I couldn't believe that my own (now ex-)wife had no dignity in that area, but she didn't. "Every penny you've got" was the phrase she used without a hint of self-consciousness. In fact I'm sure she has her dignity, so she must have seen it in a very different light. Not her fault we got divorced, so no reason why she should suffer financially from it. In fact, good reason why I should suffer. Or some view like that.

[cailin maith]

I couldn't believe that my own (now ex-)wife had no dignity in that area, but she didn't. "Every penny you've got" was the phrase she used without a hint of self-consciousness. In fact I'm sure she has her dignity, so she must have seen it in a very different light. Not her fault we got divorced, so no reason why she should suffer financially from it. In fact, good reason why I should suffer. Or some view like that.

I appreciate that it may not be her fault but I dunno, still pretty shocking to me.

[RichardCranium]

Take a step back and then talk it through with your other half. Find out what their needs are and then tell them what you expectations are. See if you can find some common ground.

Then use a lawyer simply to draw up the contract

You can't. They won't do it. You have to use two. That's how they make their money.

We had friends who split up when he confessed he was gay. It was all amicable until they had to get a solicitor involved to get the wording right. They could not find a solicitor who would "represent both of them - it's unethical". Three months later their savings had gone and they were scrapping. My Missus gave them a lecture, they saw the light, dismissed their solicitors and did the paperwork together themselves. They became friends again.

The legal profession is made up of heartlesss sharks.

[msubhan]

I'm horrified that she thinks it's ok to sponge off her ex husband for the rest of her life. Child Maintenance, fair enough but anything more.... has she no dignity?

Originally she said she didn't want it, and then after seeing her solicitor she now demands SM...funny that...

[Churchill]

Yikes - thats pretty shocking!

I understand the child maint bit and even the house (at a stretch) if the kids are young etc but.... I just can't believe there are that many women out there with little or no dignity.

Woman scorned and all that malarkey fair enough, but you still have to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning....

A lot of women get bad advice from their solicitors.

I'm not defending my ex-wife but her solicitor was crap, I slaughtered her solicitor in front of the Judge!

[expat]

You can't. They won't do it. You have to use two. That's how they make their money.

We had friends who split up when he confessed he was gay. It was all amicable until they had to get a solicitor involved to get the wording right. They could not find a solicitor who would "represent both of them - it's unethical". Three months later their savings had gone and they were scrapping. My Missus gave them a lecture, they saw the light, dismissed their solicitors and did the paperwork together themselves. They became friends again.

The legal profession is made up of heartlesss sharks.

If there's only one lawyer in town, he'll starve. If there are two, they'll both get rich.

My current partner had this problem in her amicable divorce. Both sets of lawyers kept drawing up documents to get the other side to agree to, often specifying demands that the two parties had explicitly instructed them not to make. Each lawyer advised his client not to speak directly to the other, but they did and I often overheard it: "what's this about I-will-do-XXXX?" "I dunno, I didn't ask for that". Then they'd get back to their lawyers to reiterate their instructions which the lawyers had explicitly ignored. Then the lawyers would rewrite the documents. And charge again.

The lawyers were just programmed for contentious divorces, they couldn't handle two people agreeing on something. That's one reason why I lost financially in mine: every time my wife made a demand, I considered the choice of agreeing to it or paying lawyers to dispute it, and every time I rejected the lawyers. Even during and after divorce, I saw her and me as "us", and the lawyers as "them". However much I thought she was wrong to take something, I'd rather she got it than the lawyers.

My accountant at the time made a curious suggestion: for a man getting divorced, if it goes to court, make sure your lawyer is a woman.

[BrilloPad]

1. You don't need to be accurate to make money off self-help books.
2. Price your book at £10, then market it as "For the price of a few pints"... ( Actually, that'd be quite a good title, given point 3... ).

You should seriously think about it doing this. Work out about ten chapter titles, together with war-stories (your own or others). Then start fleshing it out. Maybe find a partner who can help you with the legal side. One strategy is to publish it on line in a protected area, and have a few helpful souls (like maybe from CUK) to do proof-reading and +ve criticism.

Oh, and for 2. Married men could buy the book for their spouses...

Maybe I should write a book for women instead? They are alot easier to deal with than men......

[Emigre]

Its an over-used word but most men seem to want a "fair" settlement. My ex showed no dignity whatsoever - and eight years after separating still doesn't. In essence she wanted the house, all the assets and yes, all the income, custody of the children and not to have to work!

She fabricated stories about violence, gambling, drinking etc to try and get her way. She expected me to cave in but the best thing I did was to stand there and argue each point. In the end we went all the way to the final (financial) hearing when she caved in on the morning of the first day and agreed to more or less the offer made at the outset.

Avoid getting into this at all costs. My fees were £45k and it took 3 years of my life and in terms of moving on with a new partner you will be carrying so much baggage you can forget it.

One consideration for you, msubhan, is that if your sometime-to-be-ex were to work for 16 hours per week or more she would be entitled to tax credits which would be worth approximately £350/month to her.

The advice given on this board is solid and keeping out of the pub will be your greatest asset. Your offer seems generous to me. The Courts will encourage a clean break regarding SM wherever it can be achieved. Your ex has professional qualifications and so the impact on her earnings ability is nothing like as great as most women when they give up work for children etc. You should not give up on the clean break - there appear to be enough income and assets to make it achievable.

Stay true to your principles and good luck

[NotAllThere]

...In essence she wanted the house, all the assets and yes, all the income, custody of the children and not to have to work!....

Sounds normal. I'd want that - except I'd hire someone to do the laundry, keep the house clean, cook, maintain the garden, do the shopping, ironing, cups of tea, school run, going to school evenings, ...