Going through a divorce

[BrilloPad]

Hmm. Call me hasty, but I get a sense that counselling services may not be your ideal field for money-making endeavours.

However, I suspect what you wrote there was actually more useful that any other advice that may appear. Put another way it might be:

- try to keep communication open with the other half regarding what she thinks she ought to get so you know where her battle line is drawn;
- do the research regarding what the system will screw you for;
- find out from the accountant what different ways there are of arranging your assets & income;
- find out what access to the kids is intended;
- find out what access / custody you are entitled to;
- decide what access / custody you actually want!
- draw up a plan of what needs to be done and when;
- find a support group (that does not meet in a pub);
- stick to the plan.

Its a good summary. Its not my cup of tea. As I said I despise most divorced men for reasons I gave above.

But you sound ideal for it!

[RichardCranium]

But you sound ideal for it!

I'm either going soft, or logged in using the wrong sockpuppet.

[msubhan]

Good reply. Getting back to your original question I suspect you will struggle to get her to accept a "clean break". Of course anything said on here is irrelevant : at the end of the day its the "North Korean" family courts that decide. And if it goes all the way (as these things often do) it costs alot.

Courts might decide that she is a full time mum so 12 hours per week reasonable. They like to believe that men work and women look after kids (how sexist is that?) : the better judges tend to be younger and female!

Which family court is the case listed for? How far through the finances are you (I seem to remember its a 3 part hearing)?

Try to convince her that if it goes all the way less money to go round. And you will fight her over house.

I still think it is worth going for custody. It always is. And the courts believe the money should follow the child.

Its just at the petition stage, although she asked for the divorce back in Jan -because we were trying to do this amicably, I said that I'd sell my other properties (which I had put in joint names -how soft am I?) to reduce the mortgage on our main home so she could stay in it...thinking about withdrawing them from sale now and I think you're right about contesting the main house -if she's going to mess about then I'd rather sell it...but on the other hand I don't want to disrupt my son (she knows she's got me by the short and curlys because of the relationship I have with him)

[shaunbhoy]

Put your other properties back into your name and get them rented out. Declare the income from those rentals as your salary, jack in your contract so you are at home most of the day, and fight her for custody. For starters.

[NotAllThere]

Interesting. There is certainly a gap in the market now that f4j are defunct and that fnf are government sponsored.

There are some issues that need to be overcome :-
1. I am not very good at the legal side
2. Dads tend to have almost no money (unlike mums)
3. (Most importantly) most fathers going through divorce go about it all the wrong way. I came to totally despise the f**kwits. Instead of discussing their feelings and planning strategies (as women do) they go down the pub and get drunk. I sometimes think my best skill at f4j was not drinking! And, when you tell them what to do, they often ignore the advice anyway! I expect the OP on this thread will just mouth off, ignore any advice, then go off and sulk.

1. You don't need to be accurate to make money off self-help books.
2. Price your book at £10, then market it as "For the price of a few pints"... ( Actually, that'd be quite a good title, given point 3... ).

You should seriously think about it doing this. Work out about ten chapter titles, together with war-stories (your own or others). Then start fleshing it out. Maybe find a partner who can help you with the legal side. One strategy is to publish it on line in a protected area, and have a few helpful souls (like maybe from CUK) to do proof-reading and +ve criticism.

Oh, and for 2. Married men could buy the book for their spouses...

[minestrone]

Forget the book idea, do a Marvin Gaye and promise the profits of your next album as settlement. Then call it 'here, my dear' and write 12 ranting songs about your marriage. Fantastic album.

[msubhan]

Forget the book idea, do a Marvin Gaye and promise the profits of your next album as settlement. Then call it 'here, my dear' and write 12 ranting songs about your marriage. Fantastic album.

Not a bad idea...I can't sing, nor do have a recording contract so she'll get diddly squat

[cailin maith]

I'm horrified that she thinks it's ok to sponge off her ex husband for the rest of her life. Child Maintenance, fair enough but anything more.... has she no dignity?

[ratewhore]

I'm horrified that she thinks it's ok to sponge off her ex husband for the rest of her life. Child Maintenance, fair enough but anything more.... has she no dignity?

She's a woman walking into a divorce court. She holds all the cards and she clearly knows it.

My experience:

• Courts wanted 3 years accounts.
• Judge told me I was my business and everything in it was added to my 'personal worth.'
• She got everything she wanted, to avoid final hearing, where I was advised SM would be given to her, even though she worked.
• Judge was looking at making me pay even more SM so she could be removed from benefits.
• Any changes to your financials, including selling assets, changing ownership, not working, etc would be viewed very dimly by the judge. To the point it would be ignored.

In summary then, it doesn't matter what the CSA would say, it's up to the judge. 12 months after the court order you can go to the CSA to change it.

My outcome; a lump sum, child maintenance (never an issue), and nominal SM until child maintenance finishes (quite pleased with that last point as SM usually continues until age 65!).

And no, it's not fair, but there you have it. It's primarily about the childrens welfare and that usually means paying the resident parent. Focus on the access to the kids. I did extremely well on that score so I musn't grumble.

A short term financial outlay was a price worth paying for the strong relationship I have with my kids now...

[cailin maith]

Yikes - thats pretty shocking!

I understand the child maint bit and even the house (at a stretch) if the kids are young etc but.... I just can't believe there are that many women out there with little or no dignity.

Woman scorned and all that malarkey fair enough, but you still have to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning....