Life on the bench: in my dressing gown

[NeverBeenNorthOfTheM25]

If I ran a big company I'd hire RC just for the comedy factor of his posts.

[northernrampage]

I took a letter in to them this morning explaining about contracting and when I finished work and being laid off and no money and stuff.

I've had a call saying they have all the information they need to go straight to the head office approval stage, thereby skipping a couple of approval meetings and shaving a week or two off the timeline.

Apparently I should hear more once they have made their decision ... in about four weeks.

Good luck with that, and cheers for answer. I got all excited and thought that maybe after a certain time frame you "automatically" got funding for something. You're just better at asking for it than me, so if you get it, will be deserved.

Signing on is totally, totally soul destroying. Strangely, it's the little things that get to me. Like the security guard telling me to take my can of coke outside when I'm waiting for my travel warrants (though apparently it's to stop people drinking booze in the office). I've only been looking properly since November, as before that finishing off a degree so only applied for jobs I really wanted. The woman who does my reviews is like a Stepford Wife, perfectly polished and robotic. And has told me there are lots of people in my position (when I queried a job I was told to go for ). She told me it's not like I'm a young guy in construction who can't get a job.

Anyway, I can't go for warehouse work, as I did have a cracked disc so that's gone on my file. Not that I would anyway as I'm 5 foot 1 and a woman, and the boxes would have been bigger than me

I have an interview Monday. Hoping I get that. It's a contract and paying far less than I'd like, but just need to get back to work.

[suityou01]

One can't rush these things you know.

Must make time for tea & all that.

I can still remember the first time I signed on in 70s.

That was before the giro.

You got your money over the counter.

Did the cashier hurredly stuff it into the holdall you threw at her?

[cailin maith]

Good luck with that, and cheers for answer. I got all excited and thought that maybe after a certain time frame you "automatically" got funding for something. You're just better at asking for it than me, so if you get it, will be deserved.

Signing on is totally, totally soul destroying. Strangely, it's the little things that get to me. Like the security guard telling me to take my can of coke outside when I'm waiting for my travel warrants (though apparently it's to stop people drinking booze in the office). I've only been looking properly since November, as before that finishing off a degree so only applied for jobs I really wanted. The woman who does my reviews is like a Stepford Wife, perfectly polished and robotic. And has told me there are lots of people in my position (when I queried a job I was told to go for ). She told me it's not like I'm a young guy in construction who can't get a job.

Anyway, I can't go for warehouse work, as I did have a cracked disc so that's gone on my file. Not that I would anyway as I'm 5 foot 1 and a woman, and the boxes would have been bigger than me

I have an interview Monday. Hoping I get that. It's a contract and paying far less than I'd like, but just need to get back to work.

Chin up chuck

It is really, really tulip and really, really soul destroying but something will turn up, it just has to.

I know for my boyo when he finally got a contract, his phone kept ringing with more and more job offers... it's sods law but, like busses, you get one and loads come along.

[RichardCranium]

If I ran a big company I'd hire RC just for the comedy factor of his posts.

You'd be so disappointed!

I have worked with poets, cartoonists, comics, multi-linguists, beauties, those that bring in food, flirts, story-tellers, charmers, spontaneous wits and all manner of other talented people. Sadly, I have no social skills to offer beyond honesty and openness, so to compensate I just try to do the best job I can.

I'm a focussed, stuffed-shirt, shiny-suited, smart-arse in the guise of a professional project manager who assimilates the organisation's culture and rapidly infiltrates the supposed process chains, then uses the organisation's weaknesses against itself to enforce better practices. After a few weeks, when the cogs are moving uncommonly smoothly and happily yet the squeaky wheels are wondering why they no longer have anything to do, you will have forgotten I am there. Until I have worked out what the organisation needs to change to become a centre for excellence. Shortly after that the key decision suggesters will be coming to you singing a common tune (that they have individually thought up, of course) that you don't want to hear but know to be true.

All you will have seen of me is me stomping around in a foul mood unless my eye is caught, in which case I am insanely cheerful, miserable, optimistic and cynical - simultaneously.

Then you will discover the projects you wanted me to do are finished and your staff are elated with what they have achieved and you barely knew the projects were running.

Around the same time, you will get semi-formal complaints about me from one or two middle-managers: the squeaky wheels, people that have never done a day's work in their lives. Don't worry too much; such people leave of their own accord before I do, and they will not be missed.

And then I won't be there either; I shall be on another client site, slipping between the teams like mercury, filling the gaps between the resources like a pontoon bridge, taking the raw edges off the processes like diamond paste and stroking egos with a velvet-wrapped house-brick. Whilst undermining the prejudices, preconceptions and assumptions.

And you won't even notice how many prejudices, preconceptions and assumptions no longer exist in your organisation.

And I chuck all that in for free, because I do it keep myself amused and have no idea how to sell it as a skill.

Manipulating a corporate culture to one's own ends is such an exquisite delight, don't you think?

[RichardCranium]

I have an interview Monday.

Plenty of time to research the employer and practice answers, too.

Hoping I get that. It's a contract and paying far less than I'd like, but just need to get back to work.

Absolutely. If nothing else, you can learn new skills and steal stationery.

[worzelGummidge]

I stole a biro today
Well to be honest I found it in my jacket pocket when I got home.
The little devil must have jumped in there when I wasn't looking.

[alreadypacked]

You'd be so disappointed!

I have worked with poets, cartoonists, comics, multi-linguists, beauties, those that bring in food, flirts, story-tellers, charmers, spontaneous wits and all manner of other talented people. Sadly, I have no social skills to offer beyond honesty and openness, so to compensate I just try to do the best job I can.

I'm a focussed, stuffed-shirt, shiny-suited, smart-arse in the guise of a professional project manager who assimilates the organisation's culture and rapidly infiltrates the supposed process chains, then uses the organisation's weaknesses against itself to enforce better practices. After a few weeks, when the cogs are moving uncommonly smoothly and happily yet the squeaky wheels are wondering why they no longer have anything to do, you will have forgotten I am there. Until I have worked out what the organisation needs to change to become a centre for excellence. Shortly after that the key decision suggesters will be coming to you singing a common tune (that they have individually thought up, of course) that you don't want to hear but know to be true.

All you will have seen of me is me stomping around in a foul mood unless my eye is caught, in which case I am insanely cheerful, miserable, optimistic and cynical - simultaneously.

Then you will discover the projects you wanted me to do are finished and your staff are elated with what they have achieved and you barely knew the projects were running.

Around the same time, you will get semi-formal complaints about me from one or two middle-managers: the squeaky wheels, people that have never done a day's work in their lives. Don't worry too much; such people leave of their own accord before I do, and they will not be missed.

And then I won't be there either; I shall be on another client site, slipping between the teams like mercury, filling the gaps between the resources like a pontoon bridge, taking the raw edges off the processes like diamond paste and stroking egos with a velvet-wrapped house-brick. Whilst undermining the prejudices, preconceptions and assumptions.

And you won't even notice how many prejudices, preconceptions and assumptions no longer exist in your organisation.

And I chuck all that in for free, because I do it keep myself amused and have no idea how to sell it as a skill.

Manipulating a corporate culture to one's own ends is such an exquisite delight, don't you think?

I leave for India at the weekend, teach me OB1

[RichardCranium]

I leave for India at the weekend, teach me OB1

Find a reasonable piece of bench under the shelter. It is more important to be out of the rain than worrying about the state of the varnish.

If there is muddy bit where your feet go, lay a gridded plastic doormat over the top.

Take some old tissues and check on the underside of the bench for chewing gum and remove it. Then check for splinters and if you find rough areas, use sandpaper to smooth it down.

I find taking a packed lunch, a Thermos of coffee and a hot water bottle make a day on the bench much easier to cope with.

Learn to sit still. That way you don't get so cold.

HTH



(PS India, eh? Take a packet of biscuits to each meeting. Offers of food as gifts are accepted with delight and surprise from Westerners. Do not tell anyone I told you this: it is a secret.)

[RichardCranium]

It's the sleepless nights that are the worst bit.

Lying there in the dark not knowing when circumstances will change.

Beating yourself up for making 'career' decisions that seemed valid at the time but, with hindsight, are no longer valid.

Feeling bad about not being able to answer questions from family and friends that want to help: "So when do you think you'll get a job?".

Trying not to get angry about questions from people that don't understand: "Have you considered looking on the InterNet to look for a job? How can you be in IT and out of work? Have you considered one of those government training programmes?"

And when a close friend finally confesses her life is going wrong and could do with a little help, not being able to help - that hurts.

Oh well. I'll go back to watching online techie training videos. At least then I'll feel like I'm doing something about the situation. Or I'll finally fall asleep!