Having a BAD day

[Churchill]

No, it had pus coming out of its girl bits. I have to bury it later today, so I've put it in the fridge so it doesn't start to pong.

Steady!!

Wilmslow will be getting a stiffy!

[realityhack]

No, it had pus coming out of its girl bits. I have to bury it later today, so I've put it in the fridge so it doesn't start to pong.

Don't let your wife see you do that.

For entertainment, you could dip it in water, blow dry it so the fur is still a little damp but spiky, and place it in the freezer. Fashion a tiny pair of 'polar explorer' goggles for effect, and say it died heroically on an expedition.

Just a thought, HTH.

[Moscow Mule]

Don't let your wife see you do that.

For entertainment, you could dip it in water, blow dry it so the fur is still a little damp but spiky, and place it in the freezer. Fashion a tiny pair of 'polar explorer' goggles for effect, and say it died heroically on an expedition.

Just a thought, HTH.

[Advocate]

Don't let your wife see you do that.

For entertainment, you could dip it in water, blow dry it so the fur is still a little damp but spiky, and place it in the freezer. Fashion a tiny pair of 'polar explorer' goggles for effect, and say it died heroically on an expedition.

Just a thought, HTH.

You owe my clientco a new keyboard....

[oracleslave]

Don't let your wife see you do that.

For entertainment, you could dip it in water, blow dry it so the fur is still a little damp but spiky, and place it in the freezer. Fashion a tiny pair of 'polar explorer' goggles for effect, and say it died heroically on an expedition.

Just a thought, HTH.

[Swiss Tony]

It isn't now...

Cue "Dead parrot sketch..."

A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this hamster what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead hamster when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable rodent, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful fur!
C: The fur don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Hamster! I've got a lovely fresh dried banana for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes hamster out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead hamster.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That hamster is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged sweak.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable rodent, id'nit, squire? Lovely fur!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that hamster when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its well in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that rodent down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its teeth, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this hamster wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This hamster is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-HAMSTER!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of hamsters.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the hamster for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
He does.
C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

[Pondlife]

Don't let your wife see you do that.

For entertainment, you could dip it in water, blow dry it so the fur is still a little damp but spiky, and place it in the freezer. Fashion a tiny pair of 'polar explorer' goggles for effect, and say it died heroically on an expedition.

Just a thought, HTH.

And today's post of the day award goes to ....

RH

[oracleslave]

And today's post of the day award goes to ....

RH

I take it then you are assuming that AtW doesn't come back and post his memoirs?

[Pondlife]

I take it then you are assuming that AtW doesn't come back and post his memoirs?

Or give us his valuable insight into world economics.

Or footballers wages

Or how speculation on the stock market is morally wrong

Or how anyone who works for Google is a bad person.

Or ....

[snaw]

I take it then you are assuming that AtW doesn't come back and post his memoirs?

What would that consist of then ...

Prologue

After many years studying in Siberia's foremost university, undergoing strenuous and all encompassing education, inc economic module I now know everything and shall forwith relocate to a bedsit in Birmingham.

Chapter 1

Today for lunch I had ...
Tonight I will have some nuts in hand and go see my furry friends ...
Tomorrow SKA will make me a millionaire.

Chapter 2

Today for lunch I had ...
Tonight I will have some nuts in hand and go see my furry friends ...
Tomorrow SKA will make me a millionaire.

Chapter 3

...