Urgent help & ideas needed

[zamzummim]

I know this is the worst place to ask for help and ideas - but am desperate, hope some can give a good ideas -

I am starting a new contract, and was invited to attend a business dinner (formal function) tonight, was told just now I am expected to stand up and introduce myself to everyone at the dinner party - this includes Exec Directors etc - anyone has examples etc - I don't want to go through the funny / joke route as they don't know me, I just want to explain what I do and my previous experience ..



e.g. how does the following sound:

Hi everyone, my name is xxx, my previous experience has involved xxxx...


Any ideas of what to say would be great ...

[milanbenes]

feck me, you're getting an IT contract and you're gonna meet the directors of the client company

must be a noddy sme small company

Milan.

[Bagpuss]

Don't fart or blow your nose on the table coth

[Ardesco]

Hi, I'm zam and i'm working to pay for my gender reassignment which is going rather well don't you think?

My previous experiances include XXX work related and being a member of the opposite sex which puts me in the unique psoition of being able to empathise with everybody here. I'm pleased to be working with you and accepted by you, you have made a Tranny feel exceptionally welcome and I would be pleased to return the favours. If you want Male favours let me know in the next two weeks, or any time after for female ones.

now if that doesn't get a laugh nothing will If they don't get it or find it the least bit amusing time for a new gig with some people who have a decent sense of humor.

One word of warning, whatever you do DON'T do any Borat impressions

HTH

[Sockpuppet]

e.g. how does the following sound:

Hi everyone, my name is xxx, my previous experience has involved xxxx...

Any ideas of what to say would be great ...

Just introduce yourself with something unusual...

Mine is "Hi my name is Richard and I once sprained a muscle in my arm wiping my arse...true story".

That sadly is a true story as well.

[Cliphead]

Or just get drunk and it will all come naturally

[zamzummim]

I am not a just an IT contractor, I do PM / consultancy type of thing- its a blue chip company. This was a pre organised event way back for one of its largest group, as the rest of the team is going to the function they thought it would be great to invite me along too - guess to get to know me better, there are alos another 3 starters - we are all expected to do introduce ourselves

[Lucifer Box]

Listen to the Denver Mills after dinner speaking sketches from Little Britain for inspiration.

[AtW]

Tell them that you lack social skills completely because your every effort in life went into furthering your professional skills.

HTH

[Ardesco]

Tell them that you lack social skills completely because your every effort in life went into furthering your professional skills.

HTH

A quote from personal experiance AtW ??