Urgent help & ideas needed

[Dobra]

I know this is the worst place to ask for help and ideas - but am desperate, hope some can give a good ideas -

I am starting a new contract, and was invited to attend a business dinner (formal function) tonight, was told just now I am expected to stand up and introduce myself to everyone at the dinner party - this includes Exec Directors etc - anyone has examples etc - I don't want to go through the funny / joke route as they don't know me, I just want to explain what I do and my previous experience ..



e.g. how does the following sound:

Hi everyone, my name is xxx, my previous experience has involved xxxx...


Any ideas of what to say would be great ...

say something in polish. they will think you are a real european

Jestem Kompletnym Onanisto

[Bagpuss]

How about this

Yo Dudes, hows it hanging? this is a most excellent venue for these prestigious festivities. I, your most humble servant Bill F Preston Esq would like to introduce myself to your venerable institution.

Most bodacious Ladies,... and Gentledudes, excuse my quirky manner, I am most unaccustomed to these occasions.

But I would like to convey the awesome love I feel and am feeling bestowed upon me from your honourablenesses

Have a most dudacious time, and Remember may the Party go with you!


Later duders, Party on!

[Churchill]

Just get pi$$ed first and start telling the MD where he's fecking up.

Then engineer a fight with the Technical Director 'coz he knows feck all either!

[premiere]

How about this

Yo Dudes, hows it hanging? this is a most excellent venue for these prestigious festivities. I, your most humble servant Bill F Preston Esq would like to introduce myself to your venerable institution.

Most bodacious Ladies,... and Gentledudes, excuse my quirky manner, I am most unaccustomed to these occasions.

But I would like to convey the awesome love I feel and am feeling bestowed upon me from your honourablenesses

Have a most dudacious time, and Remember may the Party go with you!


Later duders, Party on!

and then follow it up with the traditional trying to rip a table cloth from under the very expensive china on a table without moving anything!...Make sure you use the Chairman's wife's table.

[Paddy]

Hi, I am.... Hi may name is... is a no no.

Suggest you buy a book at Smith's

or phone his PA who should give you some advice on what the MD expects.

[Ardesco]

And when something lands on her blouse offer to remove it and clean it for her there and then (I suggest starting to unbutton it before she has aggreed to letting you clean it for maximum effect)

[sasguru]

Hah! You're asking these geeks how to behave at a social function?

[wendigo100]

ZZ, what school did you go to? Didn't you learn anything there?

[premiere]

And when something lands on her blouse offer to remove it and clean it for her there and then (I suggest starting to unbutton it before she has aggreed to letting you clean it for maximum effect)

She quickly becomes quite flustered but aroused and insists to her CEO husband that you are the best thing for the company since sliced bread. She immediately then gets her hubby to give you an rate rise to 2 grand a day, providing of course you give certain services to her privately...such as auditing her accounts and wot not.

Naturally you do....you stay in this contract for a least 2 years, stacking the cash away and investing like a nutter....there's your plan B!

[wobbegong]

Don't fart or blow your nose on the table coth

. . . or wipe your cock on the curtains!