48 ways permies can be as wealthy as contractors (pt2)

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I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

Tripod

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The Sun newspaper reported that 'when the Pope was put in his coffin, his bishop's hat lay on his chest'. It's a pity he was celibate. With a cock that size he could have had a lot of fun.

S Thorn, Hexham

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Yesterday in my local TKMAXX, I went into the household bit and saw a non-stick frying pan with a price sticker on it. Who the fuck are they trying to kid?

Graham Wilson

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The Ocean Finance advert say 'When you're in the worst situation you can imagine, call Ocean Finance.' So when I was kidnapped by Islamic Fundamentalist terrorists in Iraq recently, I gave them a call. To their credit, they swiftly arranged my release, had me and my family repatriated to Britain and combined all my debts into one easy to manage monthly payment. Well done Ocean Finance.

Robbie Knox, Ealing

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"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else" crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her border collie.

David Thompson

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You often hear that "blood is thicker than water". Well I've got both of them coming out of my arse at the moment, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.

Ron Lilycropp

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I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?

D Barclay

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COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

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They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

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IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol