The Scottish jokes thread

[MadDawg]

A lad tells his pal he will be wearing a kilt for his wedding day.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate

"Och, she'll be wearing a white dress"

[EternalOptimist]

Scotland are playing an international in Africa, when the africans call a substitution. a large heifer runs on the pitch, carrying an AK47 and wearing the number 7 shirt

The Scots manager puts his head in his hands. 'Oh no. its a left wing military coup'

[darmstadt]

Big rise in support today for the Better Together campaign.

That's the Duchess of Cambridge's knees.

----

I hope Scotland votes for independence and joins the Euro.

So when they come down here I will finally be able to say, "I think you'll find it's not ******* legal tender pal!"

[Goatfell]

Woman rings reception and says ,"Can you send someone up with pepper please".
"Certainly madam, would that be white or black pepper?" the receptionist replies.

"Naw, toilet pepper, there's nane in the cludgie"

[EternalOptimist]

This glaswegian standing at the bar
'Geeza a heavy please'
'Och aye pal, four poonds '

this poncy englishman walks in
'May I have a pink gin with ice ?'
'Certainly sir, and would sir like a slice of lemon ?'

the englishman sits down and the Glaswegian stares at the barman
'Oi. Urr ye taking th' pumpin' pish oot o' me ?'
'Och na. A'm taking th' pish oot o' him'

[Bacchus]

Gordon Brown.

[tractor]

...

Glaswegian builder on a site sees a guy get out of a Rolls Royce and asks him 'na whit kind of a job do ye have tae get that kind of car?'

They guy says in a posh English voice 'I work for Cunard'

The Jock says 'well a work fookin hard but ah cannae afford a car like that!'

[mudskipper]

A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'

The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'

The old woman replies, '£5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.

The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale.'

[centurian]

So when they come down here I will finally be able to say, "I think you'll find it's not ******* legal tender pal!"

You can already say that now. Scottish banknotes are not legal tender in England - never have been - legal tender means you must accept them for payment. In fact Scottish banknotes are not even legal tender in Scotland.

[darmstadt]

You can already say that now. Scottish banknotes are not legal tender in England - never have been - legal tender means you must accept them for payment. In fact Scottish banknotes are not even legal tender in Scotland.

Banknotes do not have to be classed as legal tender to be acceptable for trade; millions of retail transactions are carried out each day in the UK using cheques, debit cards or credit cards, none of which is a payment using legal tender.