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The Scottish jokes thread

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    #11
    It looks like the UK will now remain intact.

    I've never known a Scot that would willingly give up a pound.
    Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

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      #12
      A girl phones her dad at midnight and says. "Can you come and get me, I've missed the bus and it's pouring with rain".

      "OK," says her dad, "Where are you ringing from?"

      "From the top of me head, right down to me knickers."

      Comment


        #13
        Just seen a Jew having a fight with a Scot.

        or as I like to call it, "clash of the tight 'uns"
        Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

        Comment


          #14
          My wife is a true patriotic Scot.

          She burns supper every night.
          Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

          Comment


            #15
            Dundee woman in hospital gives birth to a baby boy. "What are you going to call him?" asks the midwife. "Nathan," says the woman. "Aw come on," says the midwife, "you've got to call him something"

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              #16
              Not fair but still:

              Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

              Comment


                #17
                An Aberdonian returns home to visit his parents a few years after going to London to make his fortune. He waxes lyrical to them about how well he has done, and after an hour or so he says "And I owe it all to you pair, and I want to show you my gratitude."
                He opens a suitcase crammed full of bank notes, and his parents are speechless. He removes two £10 notes and gives them 1 each, then closes the case again and locks it.
                The father turns to the mother and says "This is fantastic news Jean. Now we can afford to get married at last"

                The son looks shocked and says "You mean you two never got married??"

                "Oh no son" repiles his dad, "we could never afford to when we were struggling to raise you"

                "But you know what that makes ME then?" replied the son.

                "Aye" said his dad "and a fooking tightarsed one at that too!!"
                “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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                  #18
                  Well folks only two kinds of people in the world...

                  Scots and those that want to be.

                  Not a joke but true anyways

                  Hence the obsession with all things Scottish on here recently.
                  Me, me, me...

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                    #19
                    10 cows in a field.

                    Which one is closest to Iraq?

                    Coo eight.

                    Comment


                      #20
                      Originally posted by mudskipper View Post
                      10 cows in a field.

                      Which one is closest to Iraq?

                      Coo eight.
                      Now yer Googling that.

                      Come up here it's no joke
                      Me, me, me...

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