Reply to: The Scottish jokes thread

[tractor]

...

MacTavish walked into his local pub where the fire was roaring and it was a busy night. A visitor with a big black labrador was boasting about how well trained his dog is. He boasted that it would only obey him and if anyone could get the dog to do what they asked, the visitor would buy them drinks all night, otherwise each that tried and failed would have to buy the visitor a drink.

Well, everyone in the pub tried and tried and the dog wouldn't get off the rug. The visitor having been bought many drinks was quite happy where all around him were glum because, well Scotsmen don't buy rounds do they?

While there was still a couple of hours of serving time left, MacTavish thought well, I could do with a few free drinks so he went over, picked the dog up, threw it on the fire and said "Get off the fire!"

[darmstadt]

A Scotsman died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man, pointing towards one of them, 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man, who then pointed to another clock, 'And whose
clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Alex Salmond's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan. '

[vetran]

Only a bunch of cntractors could turn a joke thread into a frigging financial argument grrrrrrrrrr

wheres theres brass theres laughs?

[tractor]

....

Quite true





Bollux, it's an agreement between two parties. If a trader doesn't wish to accept a fifty pound in exchange for a box of matches, he's under no obligation to do so. Unless you are happy with:

Only a bunch of cntractors could turn a joke thread into a frigging financial argument grrrrrrrrrr

[Goatfell]

You can already say that now. Scottish banknotes are not legal tender in England - never have been

Quite true

Scottish Banknotes are legal currency – i.e. they are approved by the UK Parliament. However, Scottish Bank notes are not Legal Tender, not even in Scotland. In fact, no banknote whatsoever (including Bank of England notes!) qualifies for the term 'legal tender' north of the border and the Scottish economy seems to manage without that legal protection.
HM Treasury is responsible for defining which notes have ‘legal tender’ status within the United Kingdom and the following extract from Bank of England’s website may help to clarify what is meant by “legal tender” and how little practical meaning the phrase has in everyday transactions.

“The term legal tender does not in itself govern the acceptability of banknotes in transactions. Whether or not notes have legal tender status, their acceptability as a means of payment is essentially a matter for agreement between the parties involved. Legal tender has a very narrow technical meaning in relation to the settlement of debt. If a debtor pays in legal tender the exact amount he owes under the terms of a contract, he has good defence in law if he is subsequently sued for non-payment of the debt. In ordinary everyday transactions, the term ‘legal tender’ has very little practical application.”
(Ref. Bank of England | Banknotes | Frequently Asked Questions.)

legal tender means you must accept them for payment.

Bollux, it's an agreement between two parties. If a trader doesn't wish to accept a fifty pound in exchange for a box of matches, he's under no obligation to do so. Unless you are happy with:

...if the strict rules governing legal tender were to be observed in a transaction, then the exact amount due would need to be tendered since no change can be demanded.

[darmstadt]

You can already say that now. Scottish banknotes are not legal tender in England - never have been - legal tender means you must accept them for payment. In fact Scottish banknotes are not even legal tender in Scotland.

Banknotes do not have to be classed as legal tender to be acceptable for trade; millions of retail transactions are carried out each day in the UK using cheques, debit cards or credit cards, none of which is a payment using legal tender.

[centurian]

So when they come down here I will finally be able to say, "I think you'll find it's not ******* legal tender pal!"

You can already say that now. Scottish banknotes are not legal tender in England - never have been - legal tender means you must accept them for payment. In fact Scottish banknotes are not even legal tender in Scotland.

[mudskipper]

A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'

The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'

The old woman replies, '£5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.

The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale.'

[tractor]

...

Glaswegian builder on a site sees a guy get out of a Rolls Royce and asks him 'na whit kind of a job do ye have tae get that kind of car?'

They guy says in a posh English voice 'I work for Cunard'

The Jock says 'well a work fookin hard but ah cannae afford a car like that!'

[Bacchus]

Gordon Brown.

[EternalOptimist]

This glaswegian standing at the bar
'Geeza a heavy please'
'Och aye pal, four poonds '

this poncy englishman walks in
'May I have a pink gin with ice ?'
'Certainly sir, and would sir like a slice of lemon ?'

the englishman sits down and the Glaswegian stares at the barman
'Oi. Urr ye taking th' pumpin' pish oot o' me ?'
'Och na. A'm taking th' pish oot o' him'

[Goatfell]

Woman rings reception and says ,"Can you send someone up with pepper please".
"Certainly madam, would that be white or black pepper?" the receptionist replies.

"Naw, toilet pepper, there's nane in the cludgie"

[darmstadt]

Big rise in support today for the Better Together campaign.

That's the Duchess of Cambridge's knees.

----

I hope Scotland votes for independence and joins the Euro.

So when they come down here I will finally be able to say, "I think you'll find it's not ******* legal tender pal!"

[EternalOptimist]

Scotland are playing an international in Africa, when the africans call a substitution. a large heifer runs on the pitch, carrying an AK47 and wearing the number 7 shirt

The Scots manager puts his head in his hands. 'Oh no. its a left wing military coup'

[MadDawg]

A lad tells his pal he will be wearing a kilt for his wedding day.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate

"Och, she'll be wearing a white dress"