Trick or treat

[WageSlave]

I have a monkey head and some old donkey testicles swinging from the door of LG's shed. Helps keep the pesky neighbourhood kids away. That and the Enochian keys scrawled in dog poo across the walls.

[Lucifer Box]

There's a good "opt in" system in our road. Pumpkin on the doorstep means trick 'n' treaters welcome. No pumpkin means you risk serious injury by knocking.

[xoggoth]

Oh god, that thing again soon. Lots of revolting little kids ringing the bell. Go Awaaaay! Can't you see we are miserable mean old bastards? We don't like children! Sod off!

My widespread reputation as the village pervert/loony should have kept them away. Not from any dodgy tendencies with kids I hasten to add, but purely from my shambling muttering presence and my unfortunate conversation at parties. When the hostess at one was talking about the expense of taking her pedigree bitch to stud, it may not have been a good idea to offer to do it myself for much less. We don't seem to have been invited to many parties recently. Parents should be saying, I never quite trust that creepy bloke at number xx, perhaps you should avoid that house tonight dear.

I know where I went wrong. In a temporary fit of civic duty I offered to help out at the scouts and had a CRB check. Although some wiser person pointed out that it only proved I hadn't been caught yet, most people have a blind faith in bits of paper from authority and suddenly I am an upright citizen and bang goes my hard earned reputation for creepiness.

I am thinking of writing to the CRB, Dear Sirs, I wonder if, in return for a suitable donation to the Police Benevolent Fund, I could exchange the enclosed certificate in return for one that places me on the child sex offender's register?

Of course I may get all my windows smashed by angry villagers but that would be a small price to pay for keeping lots of horrible giggly begging little BASTARDS in plastic Tesco's Dracula masks off our doorstep.