Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss

[n5gooner]

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of tulip, and it stinks".

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pale of dung, and none may obide the odor thereof".

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it".

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying "it is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful".

And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him "This new Plan will actively promote growth and vigor of this company, with powerful effects".

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how tulip happens.

very good!!

[DaveB]

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of tulip, and it stinks".

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pale of dung, and none may obide the odor thereof".

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it".

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying "it is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful".

And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him "This new Plan will actively promote growth and vigor of this company, with powerful effects".

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how tulip happens.

[Let-Me-In]

A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

[Let-Me-In]

To All Employees:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as Sever Late Aged Personnel (S.L.A.P.). Employees who are Slapped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are Slapped, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (S.C.R.E.W.).

All employees who have been Slapped or Screwed may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (S.H.A.F.T.).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be Slapped once, Screwed twice, but may be Shafted as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (H.E.R.P.E.S.) or Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment (C.L.A.P.) unless he/she already has Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse (A.I.D.S.).

As Herpes or Clap are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received Herpes or Clap will no longer be Slapped or Screwed by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). This company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

[Let-Me-In]

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
   And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
   And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
   And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
   And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet.
   But God created programs; small and big... And told them Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
   He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
    And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try.
    The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God.
    You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
    And God asked him - What are you looking for?
    And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS.
    And God said - Who told you that you need drivers?
    Did you run Windows?
    And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures.
    And the User will always be unhappy with you.
    And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

[Let-Me-In]

I like that...seen it before but still funny...

[Moose423956]

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instruction's causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!