Reply to: Grin

[Moscow Mule]

This is offensive in so many ways....

Hitler arrives at the Pearly Gates, but it's St Peter's day off so Jesus is manning the entry to Heaven,

"Hitleib, Hitloeb, no Hitler on the list I'm afraid, I can't let you in - sorry"

Hitler Replies,

"Oh, go on, I've done great works in my life - could you not have a word with the big man?"

"Ok, I'll see what I can do" Jesus replies, and tramps up the stairs

"Dad?"

"YES SON" replies God,

"I've got this bloke at the gates, says his name's Hitler, Adolf Hitler, and that he's done great works in his life - he's not on the list, but can we let him in?

"ADOLF HITLER - JESUS, YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT. ADOLF HITLER EXECUTED MILLIONS OF JEWS, THERE"S NO WAY HE'S GETTING IN"

"Ok, sorry, I'll go and tell him"

So Jesus gets back down the steps and informs Hitler of the bad news

Hitler replies that he'll give Jesus his highest accolade if he lets him in. Jesus considers the proposition for a while then heads back upstairs to check with the big man,

"Dad?"

"YES JESUS?" (a little tired of Jesus now)

"Hitlers says he'll give me his highest accolade if we let him in, the Iron Cross"

God replies in disgust,

"**** OFF JESUS, YOU COULDN"T EVEN MANAGE A WOODEN ONE"

[Swiss Tony]

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three IT Contractors and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying ''Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now....''

[Moose423956]

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool? Bob.

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? Russell.

What do you call a woman who takes you to court? Sue.

What do you call a woman who gets up early? Dawn.

Shall I go on?

[Barriebazg]

Car sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier

Ha ha, very good

[Kyajae]

Q: What do you call a woman standing far out on the horizon?
A: Dot

Q: What do you call a woman propping up the bar in a pub?
A: Eileen

[The Lone Gunman]

A man was driving through town when he came to a queue of traffic not paying much attention he accidentally rear ended the car in front. Upon this the driver of the car, a dwarve, gets out and comes up to the other driver and says "I'm not happy" to which the driver replies "So which one of the dwarves are you??"

7 dwarves in a bath. They all felt Happy. Happy got out so they all felt Grumpy.


Dog watching a line of ducks walk past. Dog asks the first one "how are you" duck rplies "smashing, in and out of puddles all day" dog asks the next 3 and gets the same reply. Then asks the fourth who replies "i'm Puddles and i'm pissed off".

[Swiss Tony]

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Car sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier

[Barriebazg]

A man was driving through town when he came to a queue of traffic not paying much attention he accidentally rear ended the car in front. Upon this the driver of the car, a dwarve, gets out and comes up to the other driver and says "I'm not happy" to which the driver replies "So which one of the dwarves are you??"

[Kyajae]

Did you hear about the cowboy who rode into town wearing brown paper trousers, a brown paper hat and a brown paper jacket?

He was hung for rustling.

I thank you.

whey-hey!!

[Moose423956]

Did you hear about the cowboy who rode into town wearing brown paper trousers, a brown paper hat and a brown paper jacket?

He was hung for rustling.

I thank you.

[oloks]

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[wobbegong]

Michael Barrymore has been asked to host a new show:

"Only pools and corpses"

[The Farmer]

A family are driving behind a dustcart when suddenly a dildo flies out and hits the car windscreen.

Embarassed and in an attempt to protect her son's innocence the mother declares:

"Don't be alarmed it was just an insect"

to which her son replies:

"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big"

[BillHicksRIP]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in court for divorce proceedings. After making his plea for an annulment, the judge address Mickey..."Mr Mouse. I can't allow your marriage to be annulled simply on the basis that your wife has buck teeth". Mickey replies, "I never said that. I said she's f**king Goofy".

[Chugnut]

A bloke goes into a barber's with his young daughter. While he's having his hair cut, his daughter sits on a chair eating a cake. At one point she drops her cake on the floor.

"Little girl", says the barber, "you're gonna get hair on your muffin"

"I know", she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too"

That's excellent.




A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the Bartender.

"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by The railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks; like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night . all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the Bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...never found the head."