Reply to: Getting elderly parents to understand the concept that they can ring your mobile

[psychocandy]

My MIL is not so bad. Takes her phone with her, answers it, uses it. Except she never charges it until you tell her.

So it goes flat, doesnt notice, and still carries it around with her.

[Scrag Meister]

My parents are improving.

I actually had my first ever text from my Dad the other day, and they read their texts too.

My mother tends to have her mobile turned off when at home which is fair enough, but can tend to not remember to turn it back on when going out.

[psychocandy]

It sounds like he may be in the early stages of dementia, He may not be able to take in and retain new information any more so trying to get new concepts into his head will only make you feel frustrated. Can only suggest ringing him at a set time every night, say 7pm whether you are home or not which might just help. Unless you may not be able to call at that time which may mean he panics if you dont call. He may be lonely but unwilling to admit it - is there any lunch club or similar around locally? Local social services can give you information on what's around.

Nah. Hes not lonely. Hes got tons of friends, and, to be fair, has got an active social life.

Hes fine in his own environment as long as everything runs exactly how it always does and nothing changes and nothing is new.

[psychocandy]

I had someone tell me the other day that their mother wont use the stairlift because it uses too much electricity.

That would be my old man. Then he'd crawl up the stairs on his hands and knees to save the 3p electricity....

[Lockhouse]

Lockhouse

I come across lots of situations like this. I would seriously suggest sitting down with your wife and setting boundaries on how much you are both willing to sacrifice in terms of your own life, because, this situation is only going to get worse. Sorry to say I think he does have dementia, whether alzheimers or another type I could not say but persistent loss of short term memory is a definite symptom.

I would think about firmly suggesting that he has some outside help even if it is only for cleaning, so that he gets used to having 'strangers' around before he gets too confused to be able to accept them. Then when he needs more help later, perhaps with personal care, it will be easier for him to accept. If you are lucky you can find a local person to do general housekeeping type stuff and he can get to know them and trust them which can take a lot of weight off you. Another option is to suggest that he will go for a few days respite into a care home. They arent all hell holes as the press would have you think. Mind you the good ones are expensive but it may be the only way you and your wife will be able to have a holiday in future If you can find one he likes now it will again make life easier later on. I see so many people who just carry on because they are good and caring, but end up under intolerable strain and Dad ends up in a home in a crisis with lots of guilt all round.

If you have siblings make sure they know now exactly what the situation is and the impact on you. If Dad has a well preserved social 'front' which it sounds like, then people who dont see him all the time may assume there is nothing wrong.

Thanks for the reply. There's some useful stuff there.

[Lockhouse]

Is she single?

To you, three camels and a Toyota Landcruiser. Bargain.

[socialworker]

Lockhouse

I come across lots of situations like this. I would seriously suggest sitting down with your wife and setting boundaries on how much you are both willing to sacrifice in terms of your own life, because, this situation is only going to get worse. Sorry to say I think he does have dementia, whether alzheimers or another type I could not say but persistent loss of short term memory is a definite symptom.

I would think about firmly suggesting that he has some outside help even if it is only for cleaning, so that he gets used to having 'strangers' around before he gets too confused to be able to accept them. Then when he needs more help later, perhaps with personal care, it will be easier for him to accept. If you are lucky you can find a local person to do general housekeeping type stuff and he can get to know them and trust them which can take a lot of weight off you. Another option is to suggest that he will go for a few days respite into a care home. They arent all hell holes as the press would have you think. Mind you the good ones are expensive but it may be the only way you and your wife will be able to have a holiday in future If you can find one he likes now it will again make life easier later on. I see so many people who just carry on because they are good and caring, but end up under intolerable strain and Dad ends up in a home in a crisis with lots of guilt all round.

If you have siblings make sure they know now exactly what the situation is and the impact on you. If Dad has a well preserved social 'front' which it sounds like, then people who dont see him all the time may assume there is nothing wrong.

[socialworker]

Getting major hassle with my old man with this. Hes 78 and lives alone. He gets on OK but is VERY VERY old-fashioned. Its a constant fight to get him to accept things which actuall make life easier for himself.

He'll ring me at home, at say 7pm, and if I'm not there, will ring every 30 mins until I get home. In the past, I've had calls at 11pm as I walk in the door, with him in a flap, worried that something had happened to me because I wasn't home. Or hes concerned about something and has flapped about it all day and not phoned me.

I've tried and tried to say, ring me at home, if no answer call mobile and I will call back. Then I get the yeah you might be driving (I've got hands free). I've also explained that, yes, even if I can't answer at the time, at least I'll know you've called and will call back whereas I wont know the home phone has been ringing for 4 hours when I'm not there.

And he refuses to phone me during the day because I might be sacked for taking a personal call at work. FFS - seriously..... How many times I've told him no-one will even notice let alone care....

Any suggestions? I don't mind speaking to him whenever, I've told him that, if its urgent, any phone, any time day or night. But, I don't understand why he gets into a state, or wants to speak to me, but won't phone my mobile? Doesn't make sense.

Anyone else got parents like this? I know hes 78 but sometimes its difficult when he causes problems for himself when he doesnt listen....

It sounds like he may be in the early stages of dementia, He may not be able to take in and retain new information any more so trying to get new concepts into his head will only make you feel frustrated. Can only suggest ringing him at a set time every night, say 7pm whether you are home or not which might just help. Unless you may not be able to call at that time which may mean he panics if you dont call. He may be lonely but unwilling to admit it - is there any lunch club or similar around locally? Local social services can give you information on what's around.

[thunderlizard]

If he doesn't think something is good value he won't spend money on it regardless of whether he wants it or can afford it.

The Yorkshire word for that is "he can't thoil it"

[Moscow Mule]

but he has no short term memory ... He's not suffering from dementia either,

Really? I think this is one of the signs.
Memory Loss & 10 Early Signs of Alzheimer?s | Alzheimer's Association

Trust me, things get a lot worse when they get full blown Alzheimer's. Better to get them on the drugs sooner rather than later.

[KentPhilip]

My mum will only ring my mobile form her mobile and my landline from her landline, she doesn't think they're cross compatible.

Are they really?

Now our eldest daughter (26)

Is she single?

[Lockhouse]

OK here goes.....

My 87 year old Father-in-law lives in an annex on the side of our house. He has his own front door but he does need looking after, which mostly my wife takes care of. He's fit enough apart from some arthritis and he tends our largish garden but he has no short term memory and has to be told everything anew every morning when he comes in for a cup of tea at around 08:00. He also has a 14 year old border collie who is in the same state he is in. He also pops back at 12:00 and 15:00 and other times in between....you get the picture?

When my wife goes out, even for an hour, he's waiting for her all worried on the doorstep saying "I thought something had happened to you" when she'd told him three times exactly where she was going. It does try her patience somewhat but he's too independent to have someone else look after him. We're trying to make sure he takes his tablets and eats properly but he's more interested in the pheasant that sometimes eats the bird food. He was MD of a plc in his day so he's not stupid, just that he can't remember anything. He's not suffering from dementia either, so it's a tough one. He is reasonably happy though which is a bonus. He's "old school" so hates doctors and is as stubborn as hell (which is where my wife gets it from....).

Now our eldest daughter (26) has come back to live with us whilst she saves for her own place. She does the weekly shop for the FiL and also cleans the annex which takes some of the pressure off.

It's like living with a small child. We can't take any holiday, we had three days in France last week and all hell had broken loose by the time we got home as he's too wilful for our kids to manage and when he gets a bee in his bonnet it just goes on and on. We are truly "squeezed middles".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having a moan. All things considered it could be a lot worse and you have to stand by your family.

[socialworker]

I had someone tell me the other day that their mother wont use the stairlift because it uses too much electricity.

[bless 'em all]

Only a slight tangent, promise ...

My mother-in-law has, on more than one occasion, brought her laptop with her on a visit so she can show my wife something she's seen on t'internet. She fails to understand the concept that t'internet isn't on her machine but 'out there'.

[xoggoth]

After speaking to my ancient father in law who used to be a radio operator on Halifax bombers during WW2 I am working on a text to Morse code conversion app.