Should have done this earlier, nicked from Yahoo:
In celebration of his career, here are some of Frank Carson’s greatest one-liners...
- My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
- There’s a professor who’s crossed a chicken with a spider, he’s now got chickens with 8 legs! I said, ‘What does it taste like?” He said, ‘I don’t know, I haven’t caught any yet.’
- My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.
- I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
- Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, ‘What’s that got to do with Christmas?’ He said, ‘They’re Carol’s.’
- A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”
- Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?," he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
- A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?,” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”
- An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.
- A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”
- I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”
- A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”
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That's a pity. Frank was one of only two famous people I have ever met.
I was playing bass for the support band's support band. In the bar afterwards somebody who was the worse for drink had the cheek to start telling jokes TO Frank Carson.
I had heard most of the jokes before, so Frank must have heard them all when he was a small child. Still, he laughed like a drain at every one, just so as not to hurt the guy. That's class.Leave a comment:
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It'll be a bit duller down The Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club without him
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Played Golf in front of him about 40 years ago. He came close to hitting me with a wayward shot. As he approached me at the next tee he said "I'll get yer next time!", with that big cheesy grin of his. Funny Guy and will be greatly missed.Leave a comment:
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It's the way he told 'em - RIP Frank Carson...
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