Reply to: What is the appropriate punishment?

[BrilloPad]

How did it go ? did he have a good day

EVERYBODY had a great day which was really good. We went to Chislehurst Caves : both children and adults really enjoyed it. The tour guide was very good.

Mrs BP did 2 amazing cakes : one of a castle and one with fairy flowers. They looked amazing.

Best party I have ever attended in fact.

[EternalOptimist]

He was : but we never heard back. I would have liked to extend a personal invite.

Yesterday 3 kids turned up who had not responded to the invite : a total of 6 did not respond to the invite.

How did it go ? did he have a good day

[BrilloPad]

I thought he was already invited

He was : but we never heard back. I would have liked to extend a personal invite.

Yesterday 3 kids turned up who had not responded to the invite : a total of 6 did not respond to the invite.

[EternalOptimist]

Mrs BP spoke to the lad's mother today : she was very understanding. Apparently the lad is very calm about it : its only the parents who are upset.

She said that yesterday my son spoke to the lad at church (I suppose this was while he was lighting votives). Why did my son not tell me so I could have apologized and invited the lad to his party yesterday lunchtime?

He is soooo dead when I see him........

I thought he was already invited

[BrilloPad]

Mrs BP spoke to the lad's mother today : she was very understanding. Apparently the lad is very calm about it : its only the parents who are upset.

She said that yesterday my son spoke to the lad at church (I suppose this was while he was lighting votives). Why did my son not tell me so I could have apologized and invited the lad to his party yesterday lunchtime?

He is soooo dead when I see him........

[blacjac]

Failing all else I am going to try to get him into your school!

Don't think you'd like it, its 'oop north'


Seriously though, good luck.

[BrilloPad]

That is absolutely shocking!

As I aluded to earlier in the thread, we had a few problems with our daugter at school. Asbergers was mentioned in the early days, thankfully that has been ruled out and the consensus now is that she is really bright for her age, however her social skills aren't quite as mature as her peers. I.e. she gets bored easily but doesn't yet know how to handle boredom.

However, from day one the School made it very clear to us that they felt that they were the best people to deal with it as they have her for 7 hours a day 5 days a week.
When they called us in to school, they had a peronalised action plan ready to implement, but they wanted our permission to implement it. They also asked if we could follow the plan at home as well (obviously we did).

They kept us informed all the time, but it was them who spoke to the early years coordinator and the local authority when the action plan wasn't working in some areas.

Can you go direct to the local authority yourself? Surely if there is no definate diagnosis yet then they would want to observe him in school.....


Best of luck, there are people out there to help, however in your case you might have to find them yourself

Many thanks for that post and you make a very good point about the local authority.

The twins had their birthday party today. There is another boy with asbergers and I was talking to his mother. She got the same treatment from the school. The LEA provide a minder 5 days a week for him (it is that or a special school). But if he gets upset the school's response is to call mother and send him home!

This week I have his second doctors appoointment and I am going to see how that goes first.

Failing all else I am going to try to get him into your school!

[blacjac]

Seems the lad came home from a school with a piece of paper stating "I have been good all week"

I had a chat with the deputy head : they plan to do nothing to help him. According to them its all up to the doctors.

No wonder schools are in such a mess these days.

That is absolutely shocking!

As I aluded to earlier in the thread, we had a few problems with our daugter at school. Asbergers was mentioned in the early days, thankfully that has been ruled out and the consensus now is that she is really bright for her age, however her social skills aren't quite as mature as her peers. I.e. she gets bored easily but doesn't yet know how to handle boredom.

However, from day one the School made it very clear to us that they felt that they were the best people to deal with it as they have her for 7 hours a day 5 days a week.
When they called us in to school, they had a peronalised action plan ready to implement, but they wanted our permission to implement it. They also asked if we could follow the plan at home as well (obviously we did).

They kept us informed all the time, but it was them who spoke to the early years coordinator and the local authority when the action plan wasn't working in some areas.

Can you go direct to the local authority yourself? Surely if there is no definate diagnosis yet then they would want to observe him in school.....


Best of luck, there are people out there to help, however in your case you might have to find them yourself

[Moose423956]

Proabably - the standards vary a lot from area to area.

Brillo, I've seen both sides of the coin. My oldest was pinned against a wall by 13 twunts he didnt even know and suffered terribly all his highschool years; couldn't wait to leave school, taking me at my word that things got better once you were out of compulsory schooling and could choose your own path.

A few weeks ago, I had to sign a form to acknowledge my son's poor behaviour after a Polish kid from school was hospitalised by my son (more of a lucky blow than a full 12 rounds). This kid had been the frontman for a small 'evolving' Polish gang. There is now no gang at that school since the leader was shown to be lacking in leadership qualities . I did not punish my son: he was shocked himself and feared retaliation, but not a single incident since. I'm not proud of what he did, but I understand why he did it.

As for those who keep pointing fingers, it is NOT all the parents' fault, and it's not the schools' fault either. Each and every situation has to be taken on its own merits. Each and every child can have the same amount of nurture, but their nature means that they turn into very different animals.

I would be. If he hadn't done it there might now be a gang terrorising all the younger kids. He did them a huge favour. I was bullied badly at school, so I know what it's like. If someone had put a stop to it by standing up to the ringleaders, he would have been my hero!

[NickFitz]

Seems the lad came home from a school with a piece of paper stating "I have been good all week"

A bit like a signed timesheet

[BrilloPad]

Seems the lad came home from a school with a piece of paper stating "I have been good all week"

I had a chat with the deputy head : they plan to do nothing to help him. According to them its all up to the doctors.

No wonder schools are in such a mess these days.

[BrilloPad]

Mrs BP's best friend came round last night. Her job is looking after children with learning difficulties.

There was good news and bad news.

The good news is we are doing all the right things. We appear on the surface to be calm. He is losing all his favourite toys this week. The punishment is just and appears to be just. We are consistent.

The bad news is we are doing all the right things. I wish there was something more we could do.

She suggests pushing the school/doctors as much as possible : I have written a letter to the school I will drop in today.

I know its a horrible thing to say : but I could do without this at the moment. I suppose there is never a good time for these things to happen.

[NickFitz]

Given his condition, I would suggest that you make sure he understands the reason for his punishment. Somebody with your son's condition probably sees things in terms that deprive him of the ability to infer that injury caused to others may be a justifiable cause for punishment imposed by a third party who was not involved in the original incident.

If you can help him to grasp the reason why he needs to be punished by somebody who wasn't involved (i.e. you) then, even though he may not fully understand matters in the sense of seeing the incident from the perspective of the victim, you will be doing much more for him than you could ever achieve by merely disciplining him in a way that leaves him baffled.

He presumably already finds it difficult to appreciate that he has hurt the other child - his own experience of pain from accidental injuries will be something that he probably can't grasp is also experienced by other people. Autism (loosely speaking) pretty much denies the possibility of transference and therefore of empathy: in the same way that transference involves projecting one's own feelings onto another, empathy involves projecting the feelings of another onto oneself. If one cannot realise that others have feelings, or can only appreciate the fact to a limited degree, both become almost impossible.

It may seem that a cold hard rational explanation of the facts makes little impression, but that is probably the only thing that actually speaks to him; punishment predicated on the basis of "You don't like it, so how do you think others feel" may be fruitless.

You probably know this and much more already, so feel free to ignore me and my ill-informed ramblings

Good luck, and God bless

[Francko]

Since he will grow up in England, you have to teach him that he can't solve all the issue with his hands all the time.

A solid knife with a long blade or a small portable gun is sometimes necessary.

[centurian]

Ok, I retract the bit about the barbed wire.

So the tumble dryer is still okay then