Reply to: Tissue

[BrowneIssue]

I've been a contractor for many years now, so I blow my nose on £20 notes, not tissues.

I take it these are the £20 notes you save up for sending to HMRC?

[thunderlizard]

I've been a contractor for many years now, so I blow my nose on £20 notes, not tissues.

The new-style £20s are better than the old ones, because they are shinier and less absorbant, so I need more of them and look even flasher.

I suspect it's technically treason to void your sinuses onto an image of the Queen, but the year in which I started contracting was also the year in which the UK completely abolished the death penalty for such things, so bring it on.

[BrowneIssue]

Do our noses belong to our own company or do they belong to the EB who supplies us?

Trade in body parts is illegal. Therefore, you cannot sell your nose to YourCo, so it cannot belong to your company.

Slavery is still illegal in the UK. Therefore, you cannot sell your body to the EB for them to supply your nose to the client. Ergo, it cannot belong to the EB.

So, to whom does the nose belong?

There must have been a body - the 'father' - that made the initial investment of liquid assets into another extant body - the 'mother' - with the ultimate outcome of a physical asset: 'you'. This 'you' is owned, I believe, by the parent body, the 'mother'. 'You' is not really a legal entity initially but must go through a period of depreciation - 'maturity' - for 16 or 18 years (I forget which) at which point it becomes recognised in its own right. (Check with a lawyer for the exact detail.)

That suggests the nose, as part of 'you' belongs to the legal entity, 'you'.

So, nice try. You're not getting out of your tax with that line of reasoning: the bogie management activities carried out by 'you' in the client's time on the client's premises at the client's cost, is definitely being applied to the nose owned by 'you'.

[Denny]

You could emboss them with Monkeyboy's stamp.

I've just thought of an added complication, since you raised this MB.

Do our noses belong to our own company or do they belong to the EB who supplies us? So, if we blow our nose, shouldn't the EB pay for our tissues or even send someone in to blow our noses for us? There might be something buried deep in our contracts that says:

Clause 4.1.2.2 'the contractor may not blow their nose on the client site for the duration of the contract or for six months after the contract expires. Nor may the contractor blow their nose on site at any other company directly linked to the client for the same said duration without written permission of the supplier."

If the EB reliquishes all responsibility for our noses, then perhaps we should stamp our noses with our company stamp, so there is no confusion.

[BrowneIssue]

Simply block one nostril and blow hard through the other, then reverse and repeat.

Would it be worthwhile adding a step at the start such as "Move away from own desk, ..." ?

[KathyWoolfe]

I think there's an upper limit of 3 tissues a day that you don't have to declare on your PD11 form.

It's disgraceful that HMRC haven't upped the BIK exempt limit during the winter period when flu and colds are more likely.

What about when you've got a cold and you hit that "liquid" stage where your hankie is continuously in use?

[PerlOfWisdom]

Simply block one nostril and blow hard through the other, then reverse and repeat.

[configman]

Do you have any receipts?

the receipts are stuck in hte tissue for safe keeping

[BoredBloke]

You could just take one tissue, cut it in half, roll them up and stuff them up your nose. That way one tissue will last you all day as it slowly absorbs the liquid snot and forces the xs snot to trickle down the back of your throat. Not a good look if you are client facing though.

[BrowneIssue]

You could emboss them with Monkeyboy's stamp.

Oh, yes! I now *SO* want to get a contract. I've just *GOT* to put together a box of MyCo's logo-embossed tissues! Saved specially for those really special, grumpy, bitter, contractor-hating, snivelling permies.

"Too poor to blow? Here, have a freelancer's snot rag. Oh, and by all means, feel free to keep it. "

Thanks, Brains!

[thunderlizard]

Company tissues

You could emboss them with Monkeyboy's stamp.

[Denny]

When I was a permie, all those years ago, one employer gave us all either a company tie or a company headscarf.

We later got the bad news that these were a 'benefit in kind' and we got taxed on them from our salary.

Might corporate snot rags also be a 'benefit in kind' and so fall foul of PAYE / NI ?

I think there's an upper limit of 3 tissues a day that you don't have to declare on your PD11 form.

It's disgraceful that HMRC haven't upped the BIK exempt limit during the winter period when flu and colds are more likely.

[BrowneIssue]

Sorry, off topic

When I was a permie, all those years ago, one employer gave us all either a company tie or a company headscarf.

P.S. The ties were polyester and because they were badly made they had a 'twist' in them so they would hang at an angle, no matter what you did. Wearing them was compulsory. You only got one, so when you got curry down it, you had no other to wear. Remind me again why I went contract?

[BrowneIssue]

In fact, I may get some of my own business hankies made, just to make sure!

When I was a permie, all those years ago, one employer gave us all either a company tie or a company headscarf.

We later got the bad news that these were a 'benefit in kind' and we got taxed on them from our salary.

Might corporate snot rags also be a 'benefit in kind' and so fall foul of PAYE / NI ?

[Denny]

You mean you charge for your nose-blowing time? Assuming nose-blowing isn't one of your company's contracted deliverables, that's got to be an inside-IR35 pointer.

It's true that employees also blow their nose, so you could be right there, TL. So I have to find ways of distinguishing myself from the staff. I think I'm OK on the MOO issue: there's no obligation for me to blow my nose and the client can't ask me to blow my nose and only use their hankies on site.

I'll just have to ensure that any hanky I do use isn't the same colour nor incorporates the sames colours as the client's corporate logo. If I decide to use a tissue, instead, I'd better bring my own that has my own company name and VAT registered no in case it gets confused with anyone else's when it's tossed in the bin. Otherwise, HMRC might assume that I pinched it from the box at reception.

In fact, I may get some of my own business hankies made, just to make sure!