Language Estate Agents Use

[PurpleGorilla]

Lol DP :-)

Offers In Excess Of - the price is take the piss higher than this

Guide price - look we know the price is take the piss but the owners won't put it on for less.

Well maintained - not had an ounce of redecoration or modernisation in 30 years, zomit patterned carpet, avocado bathroom, completely needs replacing. But because it has been kept clean and tidy you should still pay top dollar. OK!

Suit a family - families don't even bother looking, the only people who can afford this are downsizing boomers, or BTL landlords from Hong Kong

Link detached - semi detached

Close to town centre - drunks will piss on your front door

[DimPrawn]

Benefits From: Contains a feature you may expect to be the bare minimum for the extraordinary price you are paying.
Example: "Benefits from roof, floors, walls".

Bijou: Would suit contortionist with growth hormone deficiency.

Borders: Loose term signifying that a property is sufficiently close to a desirable area to ensure the burglars who live next door to you will travel to work.
Example: "Fidel Castro's house is situated in the highly desirable Bahamas Borders area".

Characterful: A neat disguise for old and falling down.

Charming: Pokey

Compact: See Bijou, then divide by two.

Convenient For: A deceptive term with two possible definitions depending on the object of the phrase:
Eg "Convenient For A40" means your garden doubles as the hard shoulder
Whereas "Convenient For local amenities" means you can run to the shops. If you are Paula Radcliffe.

Four bedrooms: Three bedrooms and a cupboard.

In Need of Modernisation: In need of demolition.

Internal Viewing Recommended: Looks awful on the outside.

Mature Garden: The local AZ marks your garden as Terra Incognita.

Original Features: Water tank still contains cholera bacterium.

Priced to Sell: Please, oh go on please...

Studio: You can wash the dishes, watch the telly, and answer the front door without getting up from the toilet.


Why can't all estate agents just FOAD? Every person on the planet would be just that little bit happier

[JRCT]

On homes under the hammer, when they say a property will "achieve" £xxx

When they say "per Calender Month".

JUST SAY MONTH. IT'S THE SAME THING!

[Uncle Albert]

The first place we bought was described by the estate agents as being "twixt the commons".

[mudskipper]

On homes under the hammer, when they say a property will "achieve" £xxx

[OwlHoot]

There are some classic lines EAs use, but one which gets my goat is 'executive property'. It's a social class professional classism which is a complete oxymoron with most uses of the term;

Sheppards, Corsham, Wiltshire
4 bedroom house for sale in Sheppards, Corsham, Wiltshire, SN13

I mean, would a 4 bed on half an acre need the words 'CEO property'?

So what lines get your goat?

I wouldn't class a property of under 2000 square feet, with bedrooms on the ground floor, as a "CEO" property anyway.

It looks to me more like a titchy little suburban starter home, although I suppose it depends where it is.

edit: Reading the ad

The executive style property has accommodation to the ground floor which includes a hallway, study/bedroom four, shower room, two bedrooms, living room, separate dining room, kitchen and utility. To the first floor ...

those phrases "to the ground floor" and "to the first floor" sound rather pretentious somehow, using "to" instead of "on" as if it is trying to sound like literally translated French.

[PurpleGorilla]

There are some classic lines EAs use, but one which gets my goat is 'executive property'. It's a social class professional classism which is a complete oxymoron with most uses of the term;

Sheppards, Corsham, Wiltshire
4 bedroom house for sale in Sheppards, Corsham, Wiltshire, SN13

I mean, would a 4 bed on half an acre need the words 'CEO property'?

So what lines get your goat?