Reply to: Company Director with kids and an Ex - help please!

[Sockpuppet]

Is that a serious answer or are you trolling?

Little from column a, little from column b.

[h8mmer]

Got to echo ScragMeister on that......there is light at the end of the tunnel PeedOff.

After gaining access to my kids I met a wonderful & sane woman who I'm now married to and now have a 5 week old baby son with. My other kids are now old enough they know how much I love them and do all I can to look after them so nowdays my X doesn't bother trying to lie to them (much) anymore about me.

When I look back to the utter madness I put up with in my time with the X, mostly staying for the sake of the kids, I wish I could travel back in time to tell myself to stop being a complete dick and get out.

Life is sweet for me and will be again for you PeedOff, like with anything you have to first put the effort in so get the C100 ball rolling to push the contact issue (at the same time send a couple of recorded letters to your ex requesting mediation - at the least this will show the judge you have tried all other means to resolve the dispute.)

[Scrag Meister]

I just want to do the right thing and have a good life.

I had similar feelings during my divorce, although I was perm at the time. Managed to avoid the CSA although I followed their guidelines with my maintenance, paying 25% of net for my 4 children

She was borderline alcoholic and would regularly threaten me with no access etc. Though very rarely came to any substance for more than 1 day.

Then as the kids grew up I reduced the maintenance. When only 2 were living at home the ex came chasing me for more money. At that point, but not linked to, my youngest daughter decided she wanted to come live with me in London, I never suggested this to her, of course all hell broke loose cos I had got her to move to save on maintenance. Yeah right!!!!. Like £117.50 would go far when feeding, clothing, housing a teenager. My ex was always crap with money. (Still is! )

Now no money moves either way even though my daughter is the only dependant now, and living with me. Married again. Life is good.

The perverse joy is that they have no respect for her and have seen the effort I made on there behalf. And I have NEVER bad mouthed her to them.

Bit of a mixture of thoughts, but really hope it sorts itself out for you.

[Underscore Pt2]

If thats the case follow the CSA route to the letter. Dont try and hide cash though, its not worth the hassle. The get something that legally ensures you get time with your kids.

[peedoff]

I pay more than double what the CSA calc says, and I pay that to ensure I dont end up with kids that are used as tools, and too ensure i dont spend the rest of my life fighting with my ex. Men never win this fight - no matter if you are right or wrong. If she wants more, and you want access and and easy time, she will win.

I don't think it would make any difference how much I was paying to be honest - if I paid her what the average footballer at Man City was on - she'd soon want more!

[peedoff]

Heres my tuppenth worth for what its worth having gome through a recent CSA assesment...
Now, I'd been paying my X more than what she was entitled to for a number of yrs before she finally got greedy, despite my attempts to get her to see reason - funnily enough at the same time I got married to my new wife as well and I'm pleased to say her greed bit her on the ass big time (my monthly payment got halved and she owed me money at the end of it all).

I found the CSA to be pretty reasonable, I know thats not what you're expecting to hear and maybe it was just the guy I ended up dealing with but I'm sure you've heard the same horror stories I had and I want to put your mind at ease a little - not everything is gonna be all doom and gloom.

To answer some of your Q's:
How long does the process take to sort out? Took a few weeks from start to finish for me but I was open and honest and didn't mess them around
Is it worth transferring more shares to my wife? Yes (just readjust your A+B share dividend amounts), if you can under the LRT - if not then you'll be paying more tax which would obviously be better spent on your kids (or your X's handbag collection)

Will my wife's income or dividends be taken into account? NO - the CSA has no rights whatsoever to your spouses income information. The CSA may ask for it but in that case just refuse - if they took you to court no judge would take the request seriously - the CSA know this and will give up - u need to be strong about this - they never even asked me TBH

I've heard that they don't take dividend income into account unless the parent with care asks for a 'variation' or if I'm obviously living beyond my means (Ferrari, Maserati etc - I wish!) Seriously - Once they tell your X that you run a LTD do you really think she'll say don't take YOUR divi's into account - of course she will and quite rightly so - its income

I gather that most 'variations' can take years to look into and in most cases the CSA simply can't prove anything, nearly all of them get thrown out. - The CSA will only take you to court if you refuse to pay or lie and get found out, this is what would take time and I'm not sure on cases getting thrown out - most cases I've heard of end up with the defendant having to pay back any arrears with a payment plan against threats of house sales etc.......not a good idea imo, just be straight with them - saves a lot of hassle

Anyway, the main thing to get across is that access to your children has absolutely nothing to do with monthly maintenance paid other than incentivising your X to reduce contact (less nights at yours = more money for her) - this obviously doesn't affect you at the moment if she doesn't even let you have them at all.

So if you stop paying, get taken to the CSA (which won't be as bad as you expect BTW) by your X, you can still end up with no access if your X doesn't want to give you any- apologies if thats being blunt but you need to know the score.

Your best bet is to fill in a form C100 (I think thats the correct form) and pay the family court to start the ball rolling - about £300 IIRC. However, be prepared to get messed around if she doesn't show up in court - judges will not penalise a PWC (parent with care - mainly mums tho).

If you want to see your kids you need to persevere - it took me 12 months to force things through and thats a relatively short space of time going through family courts.
Don't pay for a solicitor either, my X was on legal aid (she refused to go back to work until court proceedings were finished so she didn't have to pay) and had a £400ph barrister in with her - the judge actually hated that and gave me far more leeway than she had to - the judge ended up ripping the barrister and my X a new asshole - for free happy days).

As for stopping the £340pm - you are paying for your kids, even if you suspect she gambles it away, buys shoes or just cackles over it on a night whilst stirring her cauldron that is down to her - you are giving her money to house/feed and clothe them - like a good parent does and is something that you will be able to prove to your kids when they ask later on in life having heard from your X that you did nothing for them at all (standard stuff in an acrimonious breakup I'm afraid).

And the advice to use the online CSA calculator is good - use it, thats what its there for.

Good luck

H8mmer
PS - before the femmies start, this is not anti-mothers/women and I'm not telling anyone to not pay for their kids - the opposite in fact. We all know its not ALL women or men who use their kids as weapons - just scumbags...

Perfect H8mmer, that's just the kind of advice I was after, I'm not trying to cover anything up or be deceitful, if/when it happens then I just want to be armed with the information in order to give the right answers and what to / not to say to them. I'm going to stick to my side of the bargain and keep paying what I've agreed, yes it is for the kids after all, I know how expensive they can be, it just greaves me that she can use the children as pawns and get away with it without come back, it's sending me into an early grave and causing me problems at the moment, I used to be able to shrug my shoulders more than I can now, but you are 100% correct. Hopefully things will die down again soon and the threat of CSA won't come into it, but only time will tell! Cheers

[Underscore Pt2]

I pay more than double what the CSA calc says, and I pay that to ensure I dont end up with kids that are used as tools, and too ensure i dont spend the rest of my life fighting with my ex. Men never win this fight - no matter if you are right or wrong. If she wants more, and you want access and and easy time, she will win.

[BrilloPad]

Hi BrilloPad, I've taken advice from solicitors but they said that it's always going to be difficult, I'd have to drag the kids into it, they'd have to sit in court and be interviewed etc etc, then after all that there's nothing to stop her from denying access because they're 'going out' or 'going away' - people that I've spoken to have said don't bother, it's not worth the hassle, it'd just give her a smile knowing that it's got to me. I just keep my head down and hope things don't get worse - at least that way I'd hope that my kids realise later in life what's really been happening. You can but hope! Cheers anyway

Best of luck with whatever you decide - more importantly I hope it works out for your kids. A great pity that David "feckless fathers" Cameron can't read your post.

[h8mmer]

Heres my tuppenth worth for what its worth having gome through a recent CSA assesment...
Now, I'd been paying my X more than what she was entitled to for a number of yrs before she finally got greedy, despite my attempts to get her to see reason - funnily enough at the same time I got married to my new wife as well and I'm pleased to say her greed bit her on the ass big time (my monthly payment got halved and she owed me money at the end of it all).

I found the CSA to be pretty reasonable, I know thats not what you're expecting to hear and maybe it was just the guy I ended up dealing with but I'm sure you've heard the same horror stories I had and I want to put your mind at ease a little - not everything is gonna be all doom and gloom.

To answer some of your Q's:
How long does the process take to sort out? Took a few weeks from start to finish for me but I was open and honest and didn't mess them around
Is it worth transferring more shares to my wife? Yes (just readjust your A+B share dividend amounts), if you can under the LRT - if not then you'll be paying more tax which would obviously be better spent on your kids (or your X's handbag collection)

Will my wife's income or dividends be taken into account? NO - the CSA has no rights whatsoever to your spouses income information. The CSA may ask for it but in that case just refuse - if they took you to court no judge would take the request seriously - the CSA know this and will give up - u need to be strong about this - they never even asked me TBH

I've heard that they don't take dividend income into account unless the parent with care asks for a 'variation' or if I'm obviously living beyond my means (Ferrari, Maserati etc - I wish!) Seriously - Once they tell your X that you run a LTD do you really think she'll say don't take YOUR divi's into account - of course she will and quite rightly so - its income

I gather that most 'variations' can take years to look into and in most cases the CSA simply can't prove anything, nearly all of them get thrown out. - The CSA will only take you to court if you refuse to pay or lie and get found out, this is what would take time and I'm not sure on cases getting thrown out - most cases I've heard of end up with the defendant having to pay back any arrears with a payment plan against threats of house sales etc.......not a good idea imo, just be straight with them - saves a lot of hassle

Anyway, the main thing to get across is that access to your children has absolutely nothing to do with monthly maintenance paid other than incentivising your X to reduce contact (less nights at yours = more money for her) - this obviously doesn't affect you at the moment if she doesn't even let you have them at all.

So if you stop paying, get taken to the CSA (which won't be as bad as you expect BTW) by your X, you can still end up with no access if your X doesn't want to give you any- apologies if thats being blunt but you need to know the score.

Your best bet is to fill in a form C100 (I think thats the correct form) and pay the family court to start the ball rolling - about £300 IIRC. However, be prepared to get messed around if she doesn't show up in court - judges will not penalise a PWC (parent with care - mainly mums tho).

If you want to see your kids you need to persevere - it took me 12 months to force things through and thats a relatively short space of time going through family courts.
Don't pay for a solicitor either, my X was on legal aid (she refused to go back to work until court proceedings were finished so she didn't have to pay) and had a £400ph barrister in with her - the judge actually hated that and gave me far more leeway than she had to - the judge ended up ripping the barrister and my X a new asshole - for free happy days).

As for stopping the £340pm - you are paying for your kids, even if you suspect she gambles it away, buys shoes or just cackles over it on a night whilst stirring her cauldron that is down to her - you are giving her money to house/feed and clothe them - like a good parent does and is something that you will be able to prove to your kids when they ask later on in life having heard from your X that you did nothing for them at all (standard stuff in an acrimonious breakup I'm afraid).

And the advice to use the online CSA calculator is good - use it, thats what its there for.

Good luck

H8mmer
PS - before the femmies start, this is not anti-mothers/women and I'm not telling anyone to not pay for their kids - the opposite in fact. We all know its not ALL women or men who use their kids as weapons - just scumbags...

[peedoff]

Sorry but it is the basic reality these days. In a former life I spent alot of time/effort trying to make things fairer. And I failed miserably.

But, as per my earlier post on this thread, I do recommend applying to court yourself for access. Its your best chance of success.

Hi BrilloPad, I've taken advice from solicitors but they said that it's always going to be difficult, I'd have to drag the kids into it, they'd have to sit in court and be interviewed etc etc, then after all that there's nothing to stop her from denying access because they're 'going out' or 'going away' - people that I've spoken to have said don't bother, it's not worth the hassle, it'd just give her a smile knowing that it's got to me. I just keep my head down and hope things don't get worse - at least that way I'd hope that my kids realise later in life what's really been happening. You can but hope! Cheers anyway

[BrilloPad]

So basically I'm screwed, I can't see my kids and my ex gets to do what she likes? That sounds unfair but I guess it's just what I've got to get used to! Cheers anyway.

Sorry but it is the basic reality these days. In a former life I spent alot of time/effort trying to make things fairer. And I failed miserably.

But, as per my earlier post on this thread, I do recommend applying to court yourself for access. Its your best chance of success.

[peedoff]

The divis don't really have to be justified no, but you do have to try not to show you are giving her money to avoid bringing it out yourself and paying tax. It's a fine line. The PAYE must be wholly justifiable, as many PM's found out recently. How you do it is up to you but I have my PAYE person do a time sheet of work done.

Anyway, don't let this issue detract you, am just being pedantic and this isn't your main focus. You are happy your situation is legit so focus on the bigger issue you have. Sorry to being it up and make an issue where there isn't one.

Just a thought though, there was discussion of that guy in the news that sounded like he was in exactly the same situaiton relationship wise but he was throwing his money around buying 4x4's for his new partner and his new house but when it came to the ex wife and the CSA the figures he presented showed him to be on the verge of bankrupcy and she couldn't get a penny. Was a big news story at the time but I will be buggered if I can find it again sorry.
It was discussed on the forums as well.

I saw it too, it was an article in the Daily Mail about 3 months ago. However I'm a believer in what goes around comes around, I'm not as bad as that guy, he just seemed to flaunt the rules, I just want to do the right thing and have a good life.

[peedoff]

That is life as a father these days. Get used to it. You still have a responsibility to pay for your kids.

So basically I'm screwed, I can't see my kids and my ex gets to do what she likes? That sounds unfair but I guess it's just what I've got to get used to! Cheers anyway.

[ASB]

I'd love to have more input and have responsibility for my children, but it's difficult when she changes their names, fails to tell me when they are ill (even though I've been paying for private health care), stops me from seeing them, never passes messages on, talks to me like I'm muck, fails to talk to me telling me I've got to sort out my arrangements - she "can't do it" for me, constantly tells lies to my kids, friends and family, does not involve me in schooling, parent evenings, you don't (or can't) understand how it feels mate.

I have some idea. Access is often used as a weapon. However access and your financial responsibilities are two different things. If you feel the only way you can resolve it is by reducing yourself to her level then that is sad - but entirely understandable. I wish you luck in resolving it and hope you get there eventually.

[BrilloPad]

I'd love to have more input and have responsibility for my children, but it's difficult when she changes their names, fails to tell me when they are ill (even though I've been paying for private health care), stops me from seeing them, never passes messages on, talks to me like I'm muck, fails to talk to me telling me I've got to sort out my arrangements - she "can't do it" for me, constantly tells lies to my kids, friends and family, does not involve me in schooling, parent evenings, you don't (or can't) understand how it feels mate.

That is life as a father these days. Get used to it. You still have a responsibility to pay for your kids.