Victorian Novels

[darmstadt]

DESERVEDLY OBSCURE VICTORIAN NOVELS
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The Victorian Era is remembered as a time when English Literature
flourished, and the talents of Dickens, Hardy, Wilde, etc. set the world
alight. There was also a lot of rubbish around, which the academic
specialists have conveniently forgotten. So, to set the record straight,
I'll review some of the literary low-spots of the Victorian Age.

Jude The Obese
by Thomas Hardup

The story of a man who over-eats to combat the misery of his disastrous
marriage, thwarted ambition, and hopeless passion for his married cousin
Jim.

Everybody gets really miserable and catches horrible diseases. Finally,
in a fit of melancholy, the gigantic Jude hangs himself, causing the
house to collapse, which kills his wife, his lover, his 24 children, his
pet hamster, and the vicar who'd just popped in for a cup of tea.
This is the most light-hearted and cheery novel by Hardup, who is also
the author of "Miserable Fart From the Madding Crowd","The Mayor Of
Casterbridge Dies Of Consumption", and "Tess Of The D'Urbevilles Jumps
Under An Omnibus".

"Jude" was twice as well received as any of his other works - i.e. two
people read it.

A Tale Of Two Titties
by Charles Dickhead

The story of the strapping young Englishman Sidney Cartoon, who, in a dim
light, looks exactly like the one-legged, hunch-backed, cross-eyed albino
French nobleman Count de Money. This astonishing resemblance enables
Cartoon to perform a daring switch of identities in prison, leaving the
Count to take the rap for running Cartoon's fraudulent dicky-bird selling
business (hence the title).

Famous for it's opening lines:"It was the best of times, it was the
worst of times, it was Closing time.", and Cartoon's moving final speech:
"It is a far, far better thing I do than wot I have ever done before, to
leave that Frenchie in the clink and scarper."

Dr.Jeffrey And Mr.Hives
by Robert Pamela Stevenson

In a quest to explore the outer limits of personality, the mild-mannered,
sedate, introverted Dr.Jeffrey invents a potion which transforms him into
the mild-mannered, sedate, introverted (but slightly taller) Dr.Hives. In
his new identity, the hero indulges in a wanton orgy of cocoa-making,
humming quietly, and sitting staring at the wall waiting for TV to be
invented.

This spare, lean, taut, concise, brief, short, unpadded novel (645 pages)
has been variously described as 'too long' and 'far too bloody long'. It
has been nominated many times as 'Most Boring Book Ever in the Entire
Universe', but none of the judges could stay awake long enough to read it

Smothering Tights
by Emily Brontosaurus

The story of young Cathys uncontrollable passion for the dark, brooding,
mysterious, eternally-youthful Heathcliff Richard. The dark, brooding,
mysterious youth intrigues Cathy with his wild eyes, untamed hair, and
savage nostrils. However, she marries the noble Sir Ponse de Milksop
Foppey-Weede (there is a subtle shade of effeminacy about this character)
In a dark, brooding, mysterious rage, Heathcliff loses control and
suffocates himself with the contents of Cathy's laundry basket (the
'Smothering Tights' of the title).

The novel is notable for it's description of the dark, brooding,
mysterious moorland, which seems as much a 'character' as any of the
people in the novel (particularly when it does some dark, brooding,
mysterious card tricks in Chapter 5.)

Arse's Adventures In Sunderland
by Lewis Carrot

Charming, nonsensical tale set in a land which seemed fantastical and
mythical to Carrot's middle-class readers, i.e. the industrial North East
The book concerns the adventures of a 12 year old girl with a pert little
bottom who follows the Grubby Miner down his coal hole, and ends up at
the Mad March Pubic Hare's Tea-Time Orgy.

Some critics have claimed to detect unhealthy sexual obsessions in the
books poems ('Jabberwanky', 'The Donkey and the Carpenter', 'Humpty-
Dumpty-Rumpy-Pumpy'). Some even got so far as to say that Carrot was a
horrible old pervy who couldn't leave young girls alone and should have
been locked up. However, leading academics consider this a gross slander
upon one of our most delightful writers, and speak of the hours of
innocent pleasure that can be had with Carrot's books, especially the
fully illustrated 'Swedish' editions.