DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a pi$$ before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
EMPLOYEES - Have all your tulips at work. Not only will you save money
on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
LADIES - An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator. (One for Xog me thinks.
)
SCROOGES - Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to
the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
GENTLEMAN - Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open
your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If
they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if
they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is
in the house.
PLUMBERS - Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited
and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential
emergency plug chain repairs.
MICRA DRIVERS - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding
dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
ADVENTUROUS LOVERS - Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then
lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy
'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.
ANGLERS - Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with
an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned
laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw
the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on
Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst
trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the
plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the
overflow.
TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called
Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around
Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by
which time they will probably have packed you in.
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by
disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new
pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but
with a female learner.
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a pi$$ before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
EMPLOYEES - Have all your tulips at work. Not only will you save money
on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
LADIES - An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator. (One for Xog me thinks.
)SCROOGES - Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to
the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
GENTLEMAN - Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open
your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If
they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if
they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is
in the house.
PLUMBERS - Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited
and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential
emergency plug chain repairs.
MICRA DRIVERS - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding
dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
ADVENTUROUS LOVERS - Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then
lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy
'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.
ANGLERS - Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with
an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned
laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw
the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day
SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on
Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst
trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the
plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the
overflow.
TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called
Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around
Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by
which time they will probably have packed you in.
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by
disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new
pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but
with a female learner.
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