A bloke keeps ringing me and singing "Stand And Deliver" down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number,
but he's adamant
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number,
but he's adamant
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Do you like brussels?Originally posted by cailin maith View Post
Don't know, I've never been there.
Keep it coming.Comment
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Today, 22:09 #49800
BrilloPad
Super poster
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: London
Posts: 2,347
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A bloke keeps ringing me and singing "Stand And Deliver" down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number,
but he's adamant
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49800 - 200 to go. yeah!Comment
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We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver.
I slowly undid her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river!
... by Paul McCartneyComment
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The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?
" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?
" Is Dorothy here?"Comment
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1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh1thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"Comment
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Hmmmmnnnnn.... I don't know whether thats a compliment or not?Originally posted by zeitghost
Bazza gets caught
Socrates - "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."
CUK University Challenge Champions 2010Comment
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Another list of "true" 911 calls, some of them quite amusing..
Dispatcher: Nine-eleven..what's your emergency?
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Madam, nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the one and same thing.
Caller: but there is no eleven button on my phone, this can confuse
older people like me.
Dispatcher: You press the "one" button twice, have you used a phone
before?
Caller: Honey, I may be old but I am not stupid
Dispatcher: What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My daughter is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No you stupid, this is her mother.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one..what's your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house round the corner...
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I am wearing a blouser and slacks, why??
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one..what's your emergency?
Caller: someone broke into my house and took a byte out of my ham and
cheese sandwich
Dispatcher: excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite
out of it.
Dispatcher: was anything else taken?
No, but this has happened before and I am sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one..what's your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911, do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I do nto know who to call,can you tell me how to cook a
turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one..what's your emergency?
Caller: Fire I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering..does the Fire dept put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last four hours trying to put these
chains on my tires, and well.. do you think the Fire Dept could come
over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get the chains on my car.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one..what's your emergency?
Caller: yeah..I am having trouble breathing..I am out of
breath..darn..I think I am going to pass out...
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I am at a pay phone
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on its way, are you an sthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: running from the police.Comment
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Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious." The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some sh1te eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls". The crowd is up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bastards out" The crowd is up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar" Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... Away Gauls count double in Europe."Comment
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and
serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters,
and won't eat it if they know what it is so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"
"You'll see", he replies. They start eating supper and his daughter
keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's
a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter
screams..."Don't eat it, Jimmy!...... It's a fu**ing a**eholeComment
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