When you think of it, there is only two things people need. You got
to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need
clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex
and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe
God was a Republican.
Somebody said,
"All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night,
with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it."
But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major
mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends
to watch; "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're
going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the
kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple
twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture
would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry with you, they'd yell out,
"Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."
Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have
pizzas strapped to their chests. "Oh mi god. It's a pepperoni!"
Locker room talk would change.
"Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?"
"Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would
check ID's and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's
of Hollywood would feature peek-a-boo napkins and day-of-the-week
paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns,
mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of
them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.
Plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons'd accost you on street corners.
"Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Want to crack some crab?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious
tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or
they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother
caught them marinating.
to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need
clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex
and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe
God was a Republican.
Somebody said,
"All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night,
with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it."
But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major
mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends
to watch; "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're
going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the
kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple
twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture
would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry with you, they'd yell out,
"Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."
Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have
pizzas strapped to their chests. "Oh mi god. It's a pepperoni!"
Locker room talk would change.
"Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?"
"Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would
check ID's and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's
of Hollywood would feature peek-a-boo napkins and day-of-the-week
paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns,
mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of
them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.
Plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons'd accost you on street corners.
"Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Want to crack some crab?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious
tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or
they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother
caught them marinating.
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