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Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.

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    Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.

    I DON'T LIKE FOOD. I think food is boring. Food is dull. FOOD takes up
    valuable space which I require for DRINK. There's nothing I hate more
    then when someone says,
    - You must come round to our place for a meal.

    OH NO.

    'Cause when you go round to someone's house for a meal all you do is
    spend the entire meal talking about FOOD. As soon as you get through
    the door it starts.
    - Gosh, that smells nice.
    Never ever,
    - Bloody hell, what are you boiling up? Some old soiled nappies, or what?
    And when you're eating the stuff you spend the entire evening
    saying how nice it is.
    - Gosh, yum yum. This is super. You must give me the recipe sometime.
    If they gave me a plate of dogtulip, I'd say the same thing.
    - Gosh, yum yum, What lovely dogtulip. What is it - Afghan hound or
    - Cocker spaniel? I bought a bottle of horse piss from Sainsbury's.
    - That'll help was it down.
    It's not dogtulip, though, It's always the same old stuff...

    QUICHE

    Where did Quiche come from? There wasn't any quiche before 1975 and
    now you can't move for it. I think it came from the same planet as
    Duvet.
    Then we leave the dining area and move into the living room area
    and start saying how nice the room is.
    - What a nice room. It's so light and airy. Couldn't you get a roof.
    - What a nice carpet. It runs all the way from this wall to that one
    - over there.
    And these people - ok, they're good, kind, nice people - but THEY
    DON'T SMOKE. And I smoke all the time. I would like a head with 15
    mouths, a cigarette in each hand and a pipe up the bum just in case.
    But these people don't want MY SMOKE in THEIR HOMES.
    And I always crack. And I say to them,
    - Do you mind if I smoke?
    Then they throw up. Then they say through gritted teeth, "no, you go
    right ahead. I'll just open all the windows..." Sometimes they have a
    handle and when they pull it the ROOF lifts off, the WALLS fall down
    and you're in the middle of the COUNTRY...
    ...smoking away. Feeling GOOD because I'm smoking. Feeling BAD because
    I'm smoking.
    Then I suddenly realise...with dawning horror...
    - there are no ashtrays in this room
    And I've got about half an inch of ash at the end of my cigarette. If I
    move a muscle their house is full of ash. So I say to them,
    - Do you have an ashtray?
    Now I'm speaking Martian.
    "Ashtray...ashtray...oh! ASHTRAY! Yes, I think there's one in the
    kitchen"
    - Well go and get it will you!!
    ...and they come back half an hour later with a thing the SIZE of a coin
    with a picture of ITALY on it. You put one cigarette in and it's full.
    "Well you're not going to smoke another one are you?"

    #2
    I don't look at this bit of CUK very often. Then, millions of darmstadt things. Very funny, especially this one, is it your own stuff d?

    Re social occasions, not sure if its just me, but when you get a big crowd all round a table in a noisy pub or similar I can never actually make out what anyone is saying. So have developed a technique of just smile and nod and saying "that's nice" and hoping nobody is telling me their wife has just been killed in a boating accident.

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