It's the rant and rave column with Fred Polyester
I am absobloodylutely sick and tired of being harassed on my own
bloody doorstep by representatives of churches and religious organ-
isations. Last week alone I was collared by Jehovah's Witnesses,
Mormons, Moonies, The Church of Much Rejoicing, The Church of
Cosmic Awareness (who tried to sell me some dodgy looking poppies)
and some people from the 'Christ will rise in Wigan' yodelling
Evangalist brigade.
Now I'm a reasonable man and I believe that everyone is entitled to
worship what they believe. Personally, I worship Kim Bassingers arse,
but I don't go singing it's praises through other people's letter
boxes (not since I was arrested for last doing it).
I'll tell you what makes me really wonder. there are millions of
people all over the world praying for the return of Christ. The
thing is if he did return, who'd believe him? He' either be
condemned as a raving nutter (this year's winner - David Icke)
or at the first sign of a miracle he'd find himself dangling
upside down in a government lab with an electric prod up his holy
arse and a variety of electrodes dangling from his testicles.
Call me an atheist, call me narrow minded, just don't call me late
for dinner. If God really existed, Les Dennis would never have got
his own TV show.
There's a lot of hoo-haa about racism, sexism and the like but every-
one seems to turn a blind eye to a far stronger prejudice which is
sweeping this country like a gypsy at a jumble sale. I'm talking about
Skoda prejudice! Since purchasing one of these fine cars two months ago,
friends have stopped calling round, hitch hikers leap into hedges when
they see me slowing down and even my own mother insists on wearing a
balaclava and sunglasses when I drive her to her mud-wrestling classes.
Does it really matter what sort of car you drive? At least I'm not
suffering from the big car/small dick syndrome, whereby a bloke feels
obliged to drive a four wheel drive, turbo-charged fuel injected road
raper to make up for the fact that he's only got a three inch dick (
of which 2.5 inches is foreskin). I'm a Skoda driver and proud of it!
If the cars are that bad how come so many Czechoslovakian company
directors drive them? When, oh when, is something going to be done
When, oh when, is something going to be done about the old people in
country? They live in the past, get under your feet, have no dress
sense and use up valuable state handouts which could be used for more
worthy causes, like paying my twice weekly session with my visiting
masseuse. The NHS refuses to foot the bill despite various letters
from my doctor in Botswana, stating I suffer from Rheumatoid Bollocks
which need a good seeing to on a regular basis.
I am fed up with standing for hours in a supermarket queue thirty
people long while some bandy legged old trout pays for twenty seven
tins of cat food in two pence pieces.
I am fed up with sharing my seat on the bus with some crumpled old git
who smells like he's just spent the last 27 hours helping a Rhino
give birth.
I am fed up with being accosted in the pub by some griping old bastard
with stains down his trousers, a complexion like a tramps underpants
and no control over his bodily functions. They have the cheek to moan
about young people, but at least we don't amble around dropping 50
megaton farts in the library. At least we don't walk like we've just
been sexually assaulted by a buffalo. And how many young women do you
see with moustaches?
I say ship them all out to the Isle of Wight where they can roam,
bewildered, to their hearts content.
You'd think that with all the things happening in the world today, the
newspapers could find something better to fill their pages with other
than mundane, endless articles on the Royal Family.
Who cares if Princess Di has changed her brand of tampon? Who cares if
Prince Charles got battered by his ears after getting caught in a cross-
wind? Who cares if Fergie has nipples the size of dinner plates? Who
gives a toss if Prince Edward is still a virgin (apart from Prince
Edward that is)?
We should have more reports on things like the situation in Ethopia.
More articles about the sad state of the environment. And while they're
at it how about some photos of Kim Basingers arse?
I am absobloodylutely sick and tired of being harassed on my own
bloody doorstep by representatives of churches and religious organ-
isations. Last week alone I was collared by Jehovah's Witnesses,
Mormons, Moonies, The Church of Much Rejoicing, The Church of
Cosmic Awareness (who tried to sell me some dodgy looking poppies)
and some people from the 'Christ will rise in Wigan' yodelling
Evangalist brigade.
Now I'm a reasonable man and I believe that everyone is entitled to
worship what they believe. Personally, I worship Kim Bassingers arse,
but I don't go singing it's praises through other people's letter
boxes (not since I was arrested for last doing it).
I'll tell you what makes me really wonder. there are millions of
people all over the world praying for the return of Christ. The
thing is if he did return, who'd believe him? He' either be
condemned as a raving nutter (this year's winner - David Icke)
or at the first sign of a miracle he'd find himself dangling
upside down in a government lab with an electric prod up his holy
arse and a variety of electrodes dangling from his testicles.
Call me an atheist, call me narrow minded, just don't call me late
for dinner. If God really existed, Les Dennis would never have got
his own TV show.
There's a lot of hoo-haa about racism, sexism and the like but every-
one seems to turn a blind eye to a far stronger prejudice which is
sweeping this country like a gypsy at a jumble sale. I'm talking about
Skoda prejudice! Since purchasing one of these fine cars two months ago,
friends have stopped calling round, hitch hikers leap into hedges when
they see me slowing down and even my own mother insists on wearing a
balaclava and sunglasses when I drive her to her mud-wrestling classes.
Does it really matter what sort of car you drive? At least I'm not
suffering from the big car/small dick syndrome, whereby a bloke feels
obliged to drive a four wheel drive, turbo-charged fuel injected road
raper to make up for the fact that he's only got a three inch dick (
of which 2.5 inches is foreskin). I'm a Skoda driver and proud of it!
If the cars are that bad how come so many Czechoslovakian company
directors drive them? When, oh when, is something going to be done
When, oh when, is something going to be done about the old people in
country? They live in the past, get under your feet, have no dress
sense and use up valuable state handouts which could be used for more
worthy causes, like paying my twice weekly session with my visiting
masseuse. The NHS refuses to foot the bill despite various letters
from my doctor in Botswana, stating I suffer from Rheumatoid Bollocks
which need a good seeing to on a regular basis.
I am fed up with standing for hours in a supermarket queue thirty
people long while some bandy legged old trout pays for twenty seven
tins of cat food in two pence pieces.
I am fed up with sharing my seat on the bus with some crumpled old git
who smells like he's just spent the last 27 hours helping a Rhino
give birth.
I am fed up with being accosted in the pub by some griping old bastard
with stains down his trousers, a complexion like a tramps underpants
and no control over his bodily functions. They have the cheek to moan
about young people, but at least we don't amble around dropping 50
megaton farts in the library. At least we don't walk like we've just
been sexually assaulted by a buffalo. And how many young women do you
see with moustaches?
I say ship them all out to the Isle of Wight where they can roam,
bewildered, to their hearts content.
You'd think that with all the things happening in the world today, the
newspapers could find something better to fill their pages with other
than mundane, endless articles on the Royal Family.
Who cares if Princess Di has changed her brand of tampon? Who cares if
Prince Charles got battered by his ears after getting caught in a cross-
wind? Who cares if Fergie has nipples the size of dinner plates? Who
gives a toss if Prince Edward is still a virgin (apart from Prince
Edward that is)?
We should have more reports on things like the situation in Ethopia.
More articles about the sad state of the environment. And while they're
at it how about some photos of Kim Basingers arse?
