10 things you didn't know about ecology and the like.
-----------------------------------------------------
1. The Green Party are called the 'Greens'. 'cos they know sod all
about politics.
2. Green activist Mike Keeny ensured that he was returned to nature
by having himself buried in his own compost heap. Interviewed
around the time his left arm fell off he said, 'I've never felt
so degraded in all my life'.
3. Eco washing up liquid leaves most of the food on your plate and
ensures the growth of rare and interesting bacteria, like botulism.
4. Acid rain is a let down once you've tried ecstasy.
5. The word 'Natural' on a food packet means that it is twice as
expensive as everything else on the same shelf.
6. Real ale is ecologically sound because it contains no chemicals
and therefore causes only natural damage to your brain, liver and
kidneys.
7. The lingering fallout from Chernobyl was responsible for the recent
slump in the form of the normally invincible Welsh rugby team.
8. The words 'Environmentally Friendly' on a product means that it
doesn't work anywhere near as good as the stuff you used to buy.
9. John Barnes was recently voted the top 'Eco Player' in the England
team. It was revealed that his refusal to run around in an England
shirt saved the lives of thousands of blades of grass.
10. Recycled toilet paper is a sham. If it had been used before there
would be lots of smelly bits on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to pass the time if you've been made redundant. No. 12.
Why not try making a model of Buckingham Palace out of those small
annoying knobby bits of bone that lurk in bacon sandwiches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 things you never knew about lists of stuff.
----------------------------------------------
1. They are clearly written by someone who knows everything. This proves
they are a direct communication from God.
2. Repent sinners.
3. They are so quick to read that you never take them in and so you
still don't know the stuff you never knew, sort of thing.
4. They are scanned, not read, and therefore ideal for subliminal
messages -- vote Tory.
5. The word 'Testicles' doesn't appear in such lists very often.
6. It only appeared here because I'm trying to fill space, testicles,
testicles, testicles.
7. Filling space is the main function of such lists because there is
always plenty of space around them.
8. Saddam Hussein promised his people the 'mother of all lists' last
year.
9. When they got it, it read 'Sugar Puffs, Bic Razors, components for
chemical weapons, tanks, 20 cigarettes'.
10. Dennis Law played for both Manchester United and Manchester City.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 things you'd rather not know about flying
--------------------------------------------
1. A Jumbo Jet weighs more than an elephant.
2. There are 1800 thunderstorms on Earth at any given moment.
3. There are 8.5 million lightning strikes on Earth every single day,
(p.s. a bolt of lightning always hits the highest point.)
4. There's also a lot of mad Libyan terrorists about.
5. And don't forget those Iraqi's - they're still livid.
6. The distance between the wing-tips of a Boeing 747 is longer than
the first flight made by the Wright brothers, but shorter than the
Irish football team's passing game.
7. A plane can also cut wood. It can scythe down one square mile of
trees when it crashes into a forest.
8. All the world's airlines demand a copy of the Irish football team's
fixture list, so that their aeroplanes can avoid the stadiums where
Ireland are playing.
9. Chaos Theory, also known as Sod's Law, predicts that if you are
terrified of flying that you take a train or ship instead, a 747
will probably crash on your carriage or recreation deck.
10. The whole fleet of Air Europe recently went down - in one single
night.
-----------------------------------------------------
1. The Green Party are called the 'Greens'. 'cos they know sod all
about politics.
2. Green activist Mike Keeny ensured that he was returned to nature
by having himself buried in his own compost heap. Interviewed
around the time his left arm fell off he said, 'I've never felt
so degraded in all my life'.
3. Eco washing up liquid leaves most of the food on your plate and
ensures the growth of rare and interesting bacteria, like botulism.
4. Acid rain is a let down once you've tried ecstasy.
5. The word 'Natural' on a food packet means that it is twice as
expensive as everything else on the same shelf.
6. Real ale is ecologically sound because it contains no chemicals
and therefore causes only natural damage to your brain, liver and
kidneys.
7. The lingering fallout from Chernobyl was responsible for the recent
slump in the form of the normally invincible Welsh rugby team.
8. The words 'Environmentally Friendly' on a product means that it
doesn't work anywhere near as good as the stuff you used to buy.
9. John Barnes was recently voted the top 'Eco Player' in the England
team. It was revealed that his refusal to run around in an England
shirt saved the lives of thousands of blades of grass.
10. Recycled toilet paper is a sham. If it had been used before there
would be lots of smelly bits on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to pass the time if you've been made redundant. No. 12.
Why not try making a model of Buckingham Palace out of those small
annoying knobby bits of bone that lurk in bacon sandwiches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 things you never knew about lists of stuff.
----------------------------------------------
1. They are clearly written by someone who knows everything. This proves
they are a direct communication from God.
2. Repent sinners.
3. They are so quick to read that you never take them in and so you
still don't know the stuff you never knew, sort of thing.
4. They are scanned, not read, and therefore ideal for subliminal
messages -- vote Tory.
5. The word 'Testicles' doesn't appear in such lists very often.
6. It only appeared here because I'm trying to fill space, testicles,
testicles, testicles.
7. Filling space is the main function of such lists because there is
always plenty of space around them.
8. Saddam Hussein promised his people the 'mother of all lists' last
year.
9. When they got it, it read 'Sugar Puffs, Bic Razors, components for
chemical weapons, tanks, 20 cigarettes'.
10. Dennis Law played for both Manchester United and Manchester City.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 things you'd rather not know about flying
--------------------------------------------
1. A Jumbo Jet weighs more than an elephant.
2. There are 1800 thunderstorms on Earth at any given moment.
3. There are 8.5 million lightning strikes on Earth every single day,
(p.s. a bolt of lightning always hits the highest point.)
4. There's also a lot of mad Libyan terrorists about.
5. And don't forget those Iraqi's - they're still livid.
6. The distance between the wing-tips of a Boeing 747 is longer than
the first flight made by the Wright brothers, but shorter than the
Irish football team's passing game.
7. A plane can also cut wood. It can scythe down one square mile of
trees when it crashes into a forest.
8. All the world's airlines demand a copy of the Irish football team's
fixture list, so that their aeroplanes can avoid the stadiums where
Ireland are playing.
9. Chaos Theory, also known as Sod's Law, predicts that if you are
terrified of flying that you take a train or ship instead, a 747
will probably crash on your carriage or recreation deck.
10. The whole fleet of Air Europe recently went down - in one single
night.
