Haynes Manuals

[www 4Contractors co uk]

haynes Manuals Explained.

=========================
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer in
either direction.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now
you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Oh ****, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some long-nosed
pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly
with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was
a map of the Tokyo underground (which would in fact have been more use
to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering doing this yourself, are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw
it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one."

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you
can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away from plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off plastic locating pegs.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & mobile phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, except the one thing
that you actually need to do.

[AtW]

Re: Haynes

well I just could not miss this one - in case anyone from Haynes MOTHERFKERS are reading this - why the FK do you have manuals for all sort of 70s junk, but not for my newish PUG 307??? >: >: >:

[www 4Contractors co uk]

Re: Haynes

Nobody wants to mess with modern cars AtW.

Mr and Mrs Brit are all to happy to spend an average of £65 per hour at the local rip....garage.

Only tight sods like me who want to guarantee the job is done properly and save money bother otherwise.

[AtW]

Re: Haynes

fair play, but your stuck with old cars as all news got too much electronics in them, thats one way of locking competition out as diagnostic kits apparently very expensive :rolleyes

[www 4Contractors co uk]

Re: Haynes

............Ah but they don't need anything doing to them. Servicing still involves oil, plugs and filters. The electronics only need looking at when something goes wrong ie. 5 years down the road.

Problem with modern cars is finding the dipstick, plugs, filters, etc in amongst all the other gubbery (good work eh - just made it up).

[AtW]

Re: Haynes

why wont you start servicing car for others then? surely that pays better than IT? :rolleyes

[www 4Contractors co uk]

Re: Haynes

When I retire from IT I might think about it but as I get older the thought of lying on my back getting covered in oil and grime on a cold dark winter's day does not appeal. Been there, done it and still doing it on my 2 cars and motorbike.........but I make sure the servicing and MOT's are in summer

[AtW]

work

> thought of lying on my back getting covered in oil and
> grime on a cold dark winter's day does not appeal

Not even at £50 per hour?

Not even if it will provide you with upskirt view of that ddg blonde girl?

[www 4Contractors co uk]

Re: work

Unfortunately I don't think anyone will pay £50 an hour to a non-franchise outfit. It's all about dealer servicing and stamps in service books these days. Complete bs I know but that seems to be the way of the world nowadays - all ringtones and no trousers.

Fiddle informs me that any VAT registered company could stamp a service book though.

On the looking up skirts front there is room for opportunity but not many women would look twice at a grubby man lying on his back in the dirt - or are you talking purely on the voyeuristic front . A pair of highly polished patent leather shoes is a sophisticated alternative.

[DimPrawn]

Re: work



Nothing wrong with servicing circa 1970's models with big end problems I can tell you

PS. This is a real Haynes manual, I kid you not.