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Something a bit risque

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    Something a bit risque

    Though Brigette Bardot represented freedom to others, she herself
    came from a fiercely, repressive petit-bourgeois background. On her
    wedding night (after the civil ceremony, but before the religious one),
    her father stood at the end of the bed with a shotgun, ready to shoot
    Roger Vadim if he attempted to enter the bridal suite. Though she appeared
    nude in many pictures, BB - or the Sex Kitten, as she was known to a
    generation - now devotes herself to animal rights and the restoration
    of traditional values. In the summer she runs up and down the beach at
    St. Tropez with a paddle, cursing topless bathers and swatting at their
    parts.

    ------------------------------------------

    It has been calculated that after three years of marriage the average
    couple talk to each other for six and a half minutes a week.

    ------------------------------------------

    The first incident of sexual harassment at work is now recognised to have
    been the constant depredations Mary Queen of Scots made on her secretary
    Rizzio. She would often keep him working late and embarrass him by making
    leading comments in French.

    -----------------------------------------

    To the question posed in Cosmopolitan - 'Do you want a relationship
    with a total person?' - a surprising 17% said 'yes'.

    -----------------------------------------

    Oral sex between consenting males is mentioned eleven times in the Bible
    and never censoriously, yet any mention of it has been edited out of the
    Readers Digest condensed version.

    --------------

    Women's liberation, involving their right to enjoy sex as much and as
    often as men, has, ironically, coincided with a 340% increase in the
    number of establishments where men can have their sexual expectations
    satisfied by professional women simulating erotic capacity. In Great
    Britain the number of brothels and massage parlours catering to
    frustrated men has quadrupled since 1966, and in the United States it
    is thought to be considerably greater.

    ----------------------------

    Rizzio was forced to opt for early redundancy when his bowels were
    drawn from his body and burnt in front of Mary - an interesting parallel
    with today, when it is not the persecutor but the persecuted who in-
    variably pays the penalty.

    -----------------------

    For the last five years of his life, Elvis Presley lived in virtual
    isolation in his mansion, Gracelands, guarded by a private army of deaf
    and dumb karate experts. He ate only hamburgers, brought to his room by
    naked cheerleaders, who would oil his fantastically bloated body as he
    ate. When he died he weighed a monstrous twenty-seven stone and his body
    had to be craned from his bedroom window to the waiting hearse.

    ---------------------------

    Marcel Proust slept by day in a cork lined room emerging at night to
    wander the less salubrious parts of Paris (cottaging, it would now be
    called), in the course of which he would dunk madeleines in absinthe and
    pick up destitutes, whom he would take to the Ritz for breakfast.

    ---------------------------

    In Ulan Batur, auto-erotic habits within marriage are impossible since at
    that altitude semen stains everything it touches magenta.

    ----------

    In the fourteenth century, unfaithful wives below a certain station were
    sealed with red-hot irons. Modern experts, such as Christopher Booker
    have now proved, however, that women enjoyed a greater measure of true
    freedom in the Middle Ages than they do under today's liberal consensus.

    ----------

    Ironically, it was only with the arrival of Christianity that sex and
    aggression became confused. Erotica was driven underground and sado-
    masochism - with predominantly homoerotic overtones - replaced it in the
    visual arts. Beside the gentle image of the Madonna and Child, we find
    the Pieta, the Crucifixions, Stations Of the Cross and a multitude of
    martyrdoms, often depicting languorous young men. The flagellation
    literature of the nineteenth century and the recent wave of video nasties
    may be seen as continuations of Western traditions.

    -----------

    We now know that President Kennedy was unable to walk without callipers
    and had to be carried around the White House on the back of a special
    counsel to the President, yet his sexual appetite was so voracious that
    he kept a permanent 'love-nest' in, ironically, the Watergate Building.
    He would approach this at speed on a specially constructed underground
    railway (wheelchair gauge), running through a complex of drainage systems
    and ducts. A dumb waiter took him to the fifteenth floor and shot him
    into his suite, where he would have sexual relations with Lucky Luciano's
    mistress.

    ---------

    On the twentieth anniversary of his assassination, a sample of students
    at Harvard and Yale were asked what they most admired about Kennedy. 3
    percent said it was his stand on civil rights, 1 percent his foreign
    policy initiatives, 5 percent his support for the underprivileged and
    91 percent said it was because he was always screwing young actresses.

    -----------

    George Gershwin, who with his brother Ira waged a lonely battle to make
    jazz more respectable, composed Rhapsody In Blue with a black woman
    sitting on his face.

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