SOAP OPERAS AROUND THE WORLD
----------------------------
The USSR
Glasnost Prospekt
The everyday story of the folk who live on Glasnost Prospekt,Leningrad.
Sonja is pregnant but Ivan has been sent to the 'troubled spots'. Vassily
is hitting the vodka again and production at the tractor collective is
25% down. Vassily blames Valentina for this since she's just run off
with a former Cosmanaut but has come back to collect her potatoes.
Mikhail is hittng the vodka in a big way because he's worried that he
might have cirrohsis of the liver. Leonid is hitting the vodka in a
big way because he's worried he might be a drunk. Tatyana and Lubyanka
are hitting the vodka because they've jusst found some Beatles records
and a pair of flared jeans in young Alexei's bedroom. They worry that he
might be turning into an anti-soviet hooligan, and swap his jeans and
records on the black market for a toilet roll and a case of vodka.
The producer is hitting the vodka because he's worried about
the ratings going down and he doesn't want to go back to
reporting the weather in Siberia ("Yep, snow again tomorrow..")
France
Emmerdeur Farm
Farmer Jacques Archere is angry with the goverment for allowing half
a pound of British apples to be imported every year and fears that it
might ruin him. While he's at Calais dumping a tractor load of Spanish
cabbages over British day trippers, Juliet is worried about his health.
Down the road, farmer Pierre Grundy is angry with the goverment because
his EEC subsidy is late. While Pierre is dumping a tractor load of
lentils on the President, Francoise is worried that her daughter Louise
may have fallen in love with an English football hooligan. But when
young Anton dumps a tractor load of German sausages over himself she
realise's he's a good sort really and can't help being a complete
moron. Farmer Gaston Gabriel is angry with the goverment because it's
an old family tradition. He dumps a tractor load of Spanish ants in
the public urinal.
The producer is worried because the EEC subsidy for the programme
might be cut off and Madame Thatcher is complaining about the EEC
soap mountains.
Beirut
Druze Mews
The happy go lucky Moslem fundamentalits, Christian militia, Druze
militia, Syrian regulars and a couple of helpless dorks from the
UN peacekeeping force watch their once thriving community grow
smaller with each passing shell.
The producer is worried, but then so is everyone else in Beirut.
Bolivia
General's Hospital
Colonel Extevez is angry with Lieutenant Colonel Rodriguez, who thinks
he should be overthrown as head of the junta. Rodriguez is angry with
Generalissimo Dominguez for having a flashier uniform than him.
Generalissimo Dominguez is irritated by Captain Gonzalez for having a
bigger gun. Captain Gonzalez is secretly in love with Private Natchez
because his mirror shades are so cute. Corporal Sanchez is pissed off
because he knows he'll get the blame for all the death squads when
democracy is restored next week. Private Ez couldn't give a toss
because he knows that the way things are going, he too will be a
general one day. Probably the week after next, when democracy is
overthrown again.
The producer is worried because this isn't a soap at all.
Liechtenstein
Cramped
Liechtenstein is a very small country. In order to maintain a world
class soap opera, The entire population is forced to appear in it by
law. It doubles up as the evening news programme.
The producer is worried about the falling birth rate.
Australia
Maim
The continuing story of the bright and breezy kids who study at the
Sydney Academy of Art, Music and All That Other Pooftah Stuff. None
of the kids ever seem to graduate, but is that such a surprise? The
cast wear leotards, leg-warmers and hats with corks dangling from
them. They sometimes go into song and dance routines, but more often
go into bars and get beaten up by macho dockers.
The producer is worried because his old drinking mates laugh at him.
Turkey
Couscous
A prison drama. Streetwise young Abdul is caught coughing outside a
mosque and is sentanced to 99 years in a Turkish prison. His cellmate
Kemal, an old hand shows him the ropes. And the chains and whips. And
rapes him. Yes, it's laughter all the way as old Kemal teaches Abdul
all the tricks of prison life. And rapes him. Pompous old warden
Mohammed tries to persuade Abdul to learn a useful trade or do an
Open University course in sociology. And rapes him. Meanwhile, Yilmaz,
the king of the cell block, sells Abdul some razor blades and soap on
easy terms. And rapes him. Abdul adopts a mangy old dog who gets into
the prison. And rapes him.
Abdul appeals to the producer to be released from the series. The
producer refuses. And rapes him.
China
Ming Dynasty
Set in the colorful Middle Ages, Ming Dynasty is the tale of a rich,
powerful, glamorous, beautiful family of well dressed rice tycoons
who all hate each other. Kao Chiu has sworn revenge on the 93 Devil
Monks who dishonoured his temple by flyposting for their heavy
metal gig all over it. Lin Xiu has avenged the insult of his pet
spider by warlord Dien Ch'ing last thursday in the tea-house by
throwing Dien Ch'ing's photocopier into the yellow river. The beautiful,
glamourous and extremely well dressed courtesan Lotus Blossom thinks
she may be in love with the producer and has found that if this is true,
she might get a bigger part.
The producer is worried because Lotus Blossom is a terrible actress.
Spain
Cross Tourists
The everyday tale of the folk who work in a partially built hotel in
Marbella. Donna Isabella, the manageress, thinks she may be in love
with Pedro, the guy who would clean the toilets if there were any.
Pedro gets off on being horrible to English holidaymakers. He has a
double first in English from Oxford, but only ever uses the word que?
in conversation with them. Maria, the maid, also hates the English.
She would give them apple pie beds if there were any beds, and instead
has to make do with giving the Club 18-30 crowd crabs. These she catches
every night on the beach from Carlos, the barman, who hates the English
so much he puts Watneys Red Barrel in the beer. Consuela, the reception-
ist, quite likes the English. She's only shot three of them this year
and can always find extra room in the car park or on the rubbish tip
for a few extra customers.
The producer is worried because he's English.
----------------------------
The USSR
Glasnost Prospekt
The everyday story of the folk who live on Glasnost Prospekt,Leningrad.
Sonja is pregnant but Ivan has been sent to the 'troubled spots'. Vassily
is hitting the vodka again and production at the tractor collective is
25% down. Vassily blames Valentina for this since she's just run off
with a former Cosmanaut but has come back to collect her potatoes.
Mikhail is hittng the vodka in a big way because he's worried that he
might have cirrohsis of the liver. Leonid is hitting the vodka in a
big way because he's worried he might be a drunk. Tatyana and Lubyanka
are hitting the vodka because they've jusst found some Beatles records
and a pair of flared jeans in young Alexei's bedroom. They worry that he
might be turning into an anti-soviet hooligan, and swap his jeans and
records on the black market for a toilet roll and a case of vodka.
The producer is hitting the vodka because he's worried about
the ratings going down and he doesn't want to go back to
reporting the weather in Siberia ("Yep, snow again tomorrow..")
France
Emmerdeur Farm
Farmer Jacques Archere is angry with the goverment for allowing half
a pound of British apples to be imported every year and fears that it
might ruin him. While he's at Calais dumping a tractor load of Spanish
cabbages over British day trippers, Juliet is worried about his health.
Down the road, farmer Pierre Grundy is angry with the goverment because
his EEC subsidy is late. While Pierre is dumping a tractor load of
lentils on the President, Francoise is worried that her daughter Louise
may have fallen in love with an English football hooligan. But when
young Anton dumps a tractor load of German sausages over himself she
realise's he's a good sort really and can't help being a complete
moron. Farmer Gaston Gabriel is angry with the goverment because it's
an old family tradition. He dumps a tractor load of Spanish ants in
the public urinal.
The producer is worried because the EEC subsidy for the programme
might be cut off and Madame Thatcher is complaining about the EEC
soap mountains.
Beirut
Druze Mews
The happy go lucky Moslem fundamentalits, Christian militia, Druze
militia, Syrian regulars and a couple of helpless dorks from the
UN peacekeeping force watch their once thriving community grow
smaller with each passing shell.
The producer is worried, but then so is everyone else in Beirut.
Bolivia
General's Hospital
Colonel Extevez is angry with Lieutenant Colonel Rodriguez, who thinks
he should be overthrown as head of the junta. Rodriguez is angry with
Generalissimo Dominguez for having a flashier uniform than him.
Generalissimo Dominguez is irritated by Captain Gonzalez for having a
bigger gun. Captain Gonzalez is secretly in love with Private Natchez
because his mirror shades are so cute. Corporal Sanchez is pissed off
because he knows he'll get the blame for all the death squads when
democracy is restored next week. Private Ez couldn't give a toss
because he knows that the way things are going, he too will be a
general one day. Probably the week after next, when democracy is
overthrown again.
The producer is worried because this isn't a soap at all.
Liechtenstein
Cramped
Liechtenstein is a very small country. In order to maintain a world
class soap opera, The entire population is forced to appear in it by
law. It doubles up as the evening news programme.
The producer is worried about the falling birth rate.
Australia
Maim
The continuing story of the bright and breezy kids who study at the
Sydney Academy of Art, Music and All That Other Pooftah Stuff. None
of the kids ever seem to graduate, but is that such a surprise? The
cast wear leotards, leg-warmers and hats with corks dangling from
them. They sometimes go into song and dance routines, but more often
go into bars and get beaten up by macho dockers.
The producer is worried because his old drinking mates laugh at him.
Turkey
Couscous
A prison drama. Streetwise young Abdul is caught coughing outside a
mosque and is sentanced to 99 years in a Turkish prison. His cellmate
Kemal, an old hand shows him the ropes. And the chains and whips. And
rapes him. Yes, it's laughter all the way as old Kemal teaches Abdul
all the tricks of prison life. And rapes him. Pompous old warden
Mohammed tries to persuade Abdul to learn a useful trade or do an
Open University course in sociology. And rapes him. Meanwhile, Yilmaz,
the king of the cell block, sells Abdul some razor blades and soap on
easy terms. And rapes him. Abdul adopts a mangy old dog who gets into
the prison. And rapes him.
Abdul appeals to the producer to be released from the series. The
producer refuses. And rapes him.
China
Ming Dynasty
Set in the colorful Middle Ages, Ming Dynasty is the tale of a rich,
powerful, glamorous, beautiful family of well dressed rice tycoons
who all hate each other. Kao Chiu has sworn revenge on the 93 Devil
Monks who dishonoured his temple by flyposting for their heavy
metal gig all over it. Lin Xiu has avenged the insult of his pet
spider by warlord Dien Ch'ing last thursday in the tea-house by
throwing Dien Ch'ing's photocopier into the yellow river. The beautiful,
glamourous and extremely well dressed courtesan Lotus Blossom thinks
she may be in love with the producer and has found that if this is true,
she might get a bigger part.
The producer is worried because Lotus Blossom is a terrible actress.
Spain
Cross Tourists
The everyday tale of the folk who work in a partially built hotel in
Marbella. Donna Isabella, the manageress, thinks she may be in love
with Pedro, the guy who would clean the toilets if there were any.
Pedro gets off on being horrible to English holidaymakers. He has a
double first in English from Oxford, but only ever uses the word que?
in conversation with them. Maria, the maid, also hates the English.
She would give them apple pie beds if there were any beds, and instead
has to make do with giving the Club 18-30 crowd crabs. These she catches
every night on the beach from Carlos, the barman, who hates the English
so much he puts Watneys Red Barrel in the beer. Consuela, the reception-
ist, quite likes the English. She's only shot three of them this year
and can always find extra room in the car park or on the rubbish tip
for a few extra customers.
The producer is worried because he's English.
