A QUICK LOOK AT THE INTERNATIONAL SEX SCENE
(by an anonymous Englishman)
ITALY
Which of us has not thrilled to the magic of Florence? Or to
the perverse lure of Venice, which, like an old hedonist
sinking under the weight of his own corruption, seems to be
urging us to enjoy the present while we may?
The Men
Italian men, whether pinching bottoms, snatching handbags,
or over revving underpowered Vespas with their mufflers gone
and mothballs in their petrol tanks, have been calculated to
be 46 per cent better looking than their nearest European
rivals, and 72 per cent sexier. Indeed the same
electroencephalographic tests show that Italian men think
about sex all the time. In the circumstances, it is not
surprising that the common local activity is premature
ejaculation (coitus is seldom successfully joined, and when
it is, lasts on average for no more than nine and a half
seconds.) Since repressive clerical laws forbid the
publication of premature ejaculation charts, the condition
is probably endemic now, and part of the Italian males
genetic inheritance. It is the case, too, that Italian men
wear lace body shirts, which would be unacceptable in any
other part of the world except Sydney.
The Women
Italian women are exquisite for six months at the age of
eighteen, but they come back from their honeymoon looking
like Pavarotti. They do not believe in sex either before or
after marriage, unless they are made to, or paid to. Female
prostitutes in the rural areas are extremely family minded,
and before making an appointment with one you will be
expected to show respect by drinking with her immediate
family and meeting her kitchen appliances. Female tourists
from England, however, having experienced a succession of
local premature ejaculants, with whom they will often have
had relations without realising it, tend to become
vulnerable to the clumsy advances and pastry faces of male
English tourists.
Where To Go
Rome: Flora da Palma's, Via di Cellino 895, Roma 101 (flora
offers special discounts to clergymen), Madam di Earl
Spencer, 498 Via Augusta (above the leather boutique), Roma
118 (madam offers English variations of dressage and the
application of the crop); and Scarman's, the triumph of
perpendicular architecture in the Piazza del Monti at which
generations of noblemen have deposited their heirs on their
fifteenth birthdays.
Outside Rome: At 1919 Via Romana, Firenze, you will find
Loggia Tressia (whose Masonic connections guarantee unusual
opportunities). Nostradama di Dolores, Montefacon, 27km
north of Milan, though off the tourist track, amply repays a
visit. Here a collective of politically active industrial
prostitutes combined to buy the freehold of a fourteenth
century convent. After evicting the nuns they completely
redecorated it. On Saturdays in summer they re-create the
Prem-Jac scenes from The Marat-Sade in the refectory. It is
necessary to book, and customers are expected to
participate.
The Police
Extraordinarily corrupt and excitable. Armed to the teeth,
they are compelled by the phenomenon of premature
ejaculation to shoot first and take the bribe later.
The Pope
The respectable descendants of a long line of murderous
fornicators and orgiasts who claim a blood connection with
Jesus bar Joseph known as the Christ. Encyclicals are
involved, but in what way no one has fully discovered.
Former popes were more inclined to bludgeon and strangle
their dinner guests and throw them into the Tiber, to marry
their daughters and to introduce dancing girls and naked
wrestlers into the performance of the High Mass, than is the
present one, but he's Polish.
What They Think Of Us
The men believe that all English girls look like the
Princess of Wales, and they would rather commit premature
ejaculation with them than with any other nationals.
FRANCE
Which of us under twenty has not thrilled to the
anything-goes philosophy of Jean-Paul Sartre?
The Girls.
All the tarts in the Bois de Boulogne are Algerian
transvestites, but their banter is both winning and witty.
Actual French prostitutes are the rudest and most expensive
in Europe. What you could get for $50 in London will cost
you 1000ff in Paris. At La Grande Pipe, 4 Rue de Douai,
Place Pigalle, the girls, unaware that my investigator spoke
excellent French, sneered at his technique and raucously
called out his deficiencies to their colleagues working in
adjacent rooms. Such establishments are best avoided, since
the girls have breasts like fried eggs and enormous pubic
bushes reeking of garlic. An exception to this rule are the
black girls imported from Africa who climax like
firecrackers. As soon as penetration takes place they go
BANG! Then they don't want to know you. Better to visit the
famous Crazy Horse Saloon behind the Champs Elysees. Here
you will not be sneered at by the artistes: you are expected
to take them back to your hotel after the show, and you will
not be expected to pay. They are all English, however.
Upper class French girls combine sulkiness with glorious
French chic and are even ruder than the tarts. they are
famed for their prudishness throughout the world and will
only accept dinner dates if accompanied by the concierge, a
monosyllabic old crone who will see that they are home by
midnight and whom you will be expected to tip heavily.
The Men
A certain historic animosity exists between the yeomanry of
out two countries, but if you are a certain age and class,
your host will throw a cocktail party in your honour, which
your wife will be expected to attend without her knickers.
As she arrives, lawyers, doctors, philosophers and
politicians will raise her skirt and politely compliment her
on her bottom. After introductory martinis, the guests will
disrobe on the word 'salut'. The host will then take your
wife to the centre of the room, where, to scattered
applause, he will couple with her sophisticatedly. Even
under the socialist regime of President Mitterand, it is
possible to meet most of the French Establishment at parties
of this sort, the best of which are still given by M.
Jean-Jacques Goupil, the toothpaste manufacturer, in spite
of the bad publicity his parties received when, after one of
them, the naked body of Natalie Delon's daughter was found
in a polythene rubbish bag in the grounds of M. Goupil's
country estate. In France, such scandals are thought to be
part and parcel of la vie en rose.
Useful Phrases
Un couillon - a policeman
Un sale con anglais - a tourist
THE U.S.A.
SAN FRANCISCO
What gourmet traveller can fail to be impressed by San
Francisco, city of contrasts? The sea mists rolling in from
the great Pacific, the superb fish restaurants on the lower
wharves, the fans of discipline who chain themselves to
police cars to be dragged out on emergency calls. It may not
be your heart you leave in San Francisco, but your genitals
in the faucet of a fire hydrant.
The Girls
Very few girls live in San Francisco, and those that do work
nights and are unavailable for dinner. It is a scandal that
back-street sex-change surgeons, often using unsterilised
kitchen implements, have done so little to balance the ratio
of men to women.
The Men
Owing to the American enthusiasm for doing everything with
great vigour, the bodies of most San Fransiscan males are
corrugated with the scars of dressage whips and many refuse
Novocaine at the dentist, even for root canal work.
Where The Locals Go
The Mincing Machine in East Bay Road will reduce your
expectations by a third, Cesar's Palace at 881 Bay View
Plaza is a fine meeting place for cross-dressers and
homosexual orgiasts, while Gay for A Laugh, two blocks
north, has a world wide reputation for nude disco dancing,
first line of coke free, anal shows and domination cubicles
on the top floor. Many bondage and discipline establishments
register as churches and gain tax exemptions. Wrath Of God,
Creationists, Seventh Day Adventists and some branches of
the Mormon church offer clients correction, but no sex (in
the Modern Mormon Church of San Francisco you may, for a
contributions to the church's roof, be tied to a whipping
posy and have your varicose veins normalised without
anaesthetic.) Others offer religion in the sense that they
worship sex with their congregation in secret bunkers.
The Legal Administration
The unusual tolerance for sexual eccentricities goes right
to the top of the State process. Although many of the laws
regulating minority financial interests are, by legislative
anomaly, among the most draconian in America, an ex-mayor of
San Francisco is a gay, black, alternative comedian
currently on Death Row for the unlawful killing of the
Secretary of the local branch of the Teamsters' Union by the
insertion of his whole fist into his anus - something
specifically forbidden in the State's penal code since 1979,
when the then District Attorney led a right wing backlash,
resulting in a temporary return to traditional values.
LOS ANGELES
Driving south out of San Francisco down Highway 66, we soon
come to Los Angeles - City of Angels. Who could be failed to
be moved by the Titanic vision of contemporary urban
planners as we approach on the giant perifico?
The Girls
Tribalism has taken such a hold on the young that the
Silicone Generation is impregnable to the outsider. Contact
may be established, however, with the over 35's. They are
all mad, with leathery skins and gin traps fitted in their
genitals. With the help of certain chemicals, you will find
that they'll do almost anything for an English gentleman. On
the negative side they will tell you what they are doing
while they are doing it. This is for the benefit of their
analysts and wearisome for the layman. The most willing
girls are English starlets, too proud to wait at a table.
Whereas five years ago, 73 percent of all prostitutes were
undercover vice officers or sophomores putting themselves
through college, today 73 percent of all prostitutes are
English starlets. This activity hinders their film careers
towards the end, and many reach an uncomfortable crossroads
when they are forced to choose between starring in a video
nasty at the business end of a circular saw, or flying
British Airways into Gatwick.
The Men
They are all very good-looking, very fit, very bronzed, very
undemanding, very stupid, very successful, very rich and
very clear-skinned. This is no town for an Englishman. The
only ways an Englishman can compete is by opening a pub and
importing Watney's Red Barrel, or by pissing into his host's
swimming pool at an all night pyjama party.
What They Think Of Us
A recently conducted poll suggests that the Princess of
Wales could form a series of sexual connections in Los
Angeles with very little difficulty
LAS VEGAS
Who, moving East, would not be awed by the majesty of the
Rockies, the grandeur of the canyons, the happy marriage of
supply-side economics and libertarian philosophy that is
Nevada? Declared an open state after the shooting of Bugsy
Siegal in 1949, Nevada has determined that right of way at
intersections should be decided on a survival of the fittest
principle and may be established by an exchange of small
arms fire.
The Women
Recognising that the only pressing sex problem is how to get
it, Las Vegas's presiding junta (which consists of the local
Chamber of Commerce, Sammy Davis Jr, Frank Sinatra and
representatives from the country's leading Mafia families)
has banned all performance oriented sex manuals on the
grounds of obscenity (and their tendency to increase anxiety
among fat little old men) and replaced them with directories
listing the phone numbers and addresses of registered
brothels. Ironically, this free market paradise has produced
more sexual paranoia in men and madness in women than
existed under the previous authoritarian consensus.
MIAMI
A bachelors paradise. Chance meetings at a restaurant, a
drive-in, a short-order bar, a cocktail lounge or strolling
by the shore. A look, a nod, a secret smile, a small
exchange of cash: these will lead you to a casual, yet
fulfilling, come as you are, guilt free bout of sex. All the
women are over eighty five.
AUSTRALIA
Which Englishman has not dreamt of emigrating to this
cultural paradise with it's glorious climate, subtropical
contrasts, sun kissed beaches and Opera House?
The Men
All the foul mouthed, muscle headed Australian heterosexuals
are over here writing novels and shop-lifting. The men left
at home are largely homosexuals, transvestites and
collectors of decadent Viennese Art. All the women look
like Olivia Newton-John, but so do all the men. Sydney, in
fact, not San Francisco, is the drag capital of the world.
The parade of blond, muscle-bound, homosexual men on Bondi
and Kirribillee is internationally famous, but less
adequately built Englishmen in these locations may yet do
well simply by offering to oil the topless girls, whether or
not they are accompanied by their 'gayboy'. If he attempts
to interfere, push him gently but firmly aside - their
musculature is strictly for show.
The evolutionary effect of this widespread inversion and
surfboard bonding is that it now takes an average of eight
Australian men to satisfy one woman. This results in the
practice known as 'next cab off the rank'. An English girl
who couples with an Australian should know that she will be
expected to oblige consecutively his peers as well, up to
the number of eight. The phenomenon also accounts for
Australia's all-white immigration party, for fear of
spoiling the domestic market with unfair competition.
The Women
The gratitude of Australian women brought to a climax is
famous throughout the world and accounts for the often
substandard performance of visiting sporting teams kept up
all night by the wives of the Australian representatives.
That some English Test teams were too boss-eyed to find a
way to the wicket on recent Test tours is not to be taken to
be a matter of wonder.
Because normal Australian housewives are for the above
reasons, prepared to do anything with any foreigner who
asks, prostitution is rare. (On a recent fact finding
mission to Darwin, my investigator formed a sexual
connection with a domestic air hostess in the Nothing To
Declare queue before setting foot in Australia proper.)
However, women may be paid a modest honorarium - the unit of
currency is often a jumboburger - and this is not thought to
indicate a moral lapse?
The Most Common Form Of Sexual Activity
Casual lesbianism is often resorted to by housewives, and
their favourite practice is to smear themselves with
Vegemite at Tupperware parties and lick each other clean.
Venues For Tupperware Parties
746 Inkerman Drive, Sydney 4006
612 Marine Avenue, sydney 7070
4006 Marie Celeste Road, Melbourne (Marmite is preferred
here, Melbourne being a trifle more sophisticated than it's
brash sister, Sydney.)
Nightclubs, Bondage Bars and Venues for Meeting Dental
Hygienists
The Duke Of Devonshire ('Soft lights and candles up your
@#%$'), 1347 Kings Cross, Sydney, caters for most tastes.
Visitors are welcome and most credit cards are taken.
What They Think Of Us
Handsome, raffish cavaliers whose occasional failings at the
wicket are more than compensated for by our off the seam
successes in bed.
ASIA
Who has not dreamt of the mysterious East? Of flying dragons
and Ming commodes? the dawn coming up like thunder out of
China? Of nimble little women scuttling like crabs across
your body?
The Women
They are the most beautiful, the most pleasing in the world,
and are commonly available for small change. The average
charge for normal intercourse in your hotel room varies from
$7.50 (Bangkok) to $5.95 (Manilla). Additionally, they do
not talk, or, if they do, you cannot understand them. They
are also built unusually small and this makes them popular
with Australians. Because they are the size of eight year
olds it is customary to order them three at a time. For the
same reason they are popular among Australians, they may
also appeal to lower grades of Englishmen (electricians, VAT
officers, non-byline gossip writers.)
Where To Meet The Best
Bangkok: At the government tourist office recommended
brothel on 3342 Yet Tut Phai Street, run by Madam Top,
Expert Oriental Courtesans (or variegated prostitutes, as
Kinsey and Whipple call them) will, for $8.50, aneaesthise a
patch on your scrotum with a chemical, make an incision with
a scalpel and blow the scrotum up to the size of a tennis
ball with a drinking straw. the effect is unlike any you may
have experienced. At Pot Pullas on Omaha Boulevard 436,
electricians and Germans may see Thai dancing girls throwing
and catching frisbees in their vulvae.
Singapore: Most girls pass through the Piano Bar of the
Imperial Hotel at least once a night. Avoid any vegetable
show recommended by the driver of a bicycle rickshaw.
Seoul: In Korea, you are advised to confine your activities
to GI's or WAF's, since North Korean anti-imperialist
prostitutes have infiltrated the south with homemade devices
fitted internally. When their victim has penetrated fully, a
trembler device activates the fitment, which then closes
like a badger trap, serrated spikes flying into the
customers penis. The prostitute then snaps her legs together
and turns through 180 degrees, tearing the penis from the
groin. Ordinarily the customer dies of shock. The practice
was quickly recognised as a potent weapon in the sex war,
and the technique, together with the international patent,
was smuggled out of South Vietnam in 1974 by agents working
for a provisional wing of Californian feminists based in La
Jolla.
Ho Chi Minh City: No sex is permitted here without government
permission. In 1968 it was possible, for $1,500, to see the
wives of cabinet ministers extruding ping-pong balls from
their genitals in private cabarets. This is no longer the
case, and requests for this kind of entertainment may lead
to lengthy periods of confinement in a septic tank.
Hong Kong: Since the end of the Vietnam war, nowhere in Hong
Kong can be recommended, though flights to Manilla offer
free girls in the lavatories as a consumers premium. Duty
free electrical appliances are no longer competitive,
however.
General Note
Asian women west of Korea consider it impolite to climax in
company, but in private they can insert - by a lifetime of
yoga disciplines - up to five eighths of their own bodies
into their genitals. Kowloon call girls are bilingual, but
this is extra.
The Male Element
Fiery local patriots who fight cocks and eat dogs. So
pugnacious are they that, in the absence of a second party,
they will beat themselves up and lay bets on the outcome. Be
careful not to liven their indignation with Western sarcasm.
What They Think Of Us
They admire our ability to laugh at ourselves, particularly
visiting literary men with their little pot bellies, bald
heads and Amex cards. English women are less admired, Mai
Ling Yet, a variegated prostitute trained in Haiku writing,
comments:
'Great ripples of
Marbled fat stinking of red
Meat - doggy breath: yuk!'
They all admire the Princess of Wales though.
(by an anonymous Englishman)
ITALY
Which of us has not thrilled to the magic of Florence? Or to
the perverse lure of Venice, which, like an old hedonist
sinking under the weight of his own corruption, seems to be
urging us to enjoy the present while we may?
The Men
Italian men, whether pinching bottoms, snatching handbags,
or over revving underpowered Vespas with their mufflers gone
and mothballs in their petrol tanks, have been calculated to
be 46 per cent better looking than their nearest European
rivals, and 72 per cent sexier. Indeed the same
electroencephalographic tests show that Italian men think
about sex all the time. In the circumstances, it is not
surprising that the common local activity is premature
ejaculation (coitus is seldom successfully joined, and when
it is, lasts on average for no more than nine and a half
seconds.) Since repressive clerical laws forbid the
publication of premature ejaculation charts, the condition
is probably endemic now, and part of the Italian males
genetic inheritance. It is the case, too, that Italian men
wear lace body shirts, which would be unacceptable in any
other part of the world except Sydney.
The Women
Italian women are exquisite for six months at the age of
eighteen, but they come back from their honeymoon looking
like Pavarotti. They do not believe in sex either before or
after marriage, unless they are made to, or paid to. Female
prostitutes in the rural areas are extremely family minded,
and before making an appointment with one you will be
expected to show respect by drinking with her immediate
family and meeting her kitchen appliances. Female tourists
from England, however, having experienced a succession of
local premature ejaculants, with whom they will often have
had relations without realising it, tend to become
vulnerable to the clumsy advances and pastry faces of male
English tourists.
Where To Go
Rome: Flora da Palma's, Via di Cellino 895, Roma 101 (flora
offers special discounts to clergymen), Madam di Earl
Spencer, 498 Via Augusta (above the leather boutique), Roma
118 (madam offers English variations of dressage and the
application of the crop); and Scarman's, the triumph of
perpendicular architecture in the Piazza del Monti at which
generations of noblemen have deposited their heirs on their
fifteenth birthdays.
Outside Rome: At 1919 Via Romana, Firenze, you will find
Loggia Tressia (whose Masonic connections guarantee unusual
opportunities). Nostradama di Dolores, Montefacon, 27km
north of Milan, though off the tourist track, amply repays a
visit. Here a collective of politically active industrial
prostitutes combined to buy the freehold of a fourteenth
century convent. After evicting the nuns they completely
redecorated it. On Saturdays in summer they re-create the
Prem-Jac scenes from The Marat-Sade in the refectory. It is
necessary to book, and customers are expected to
participate.
The Police
Extraordinarily corrupt and excitable. Armed to the teeth,
they are compelled by the phenomenon of premature
ejaculation to shoot first and take the bribe later.
The Pope
The respectable descendants of a long line of murderous
fornicators and orgiasts who claim a blood connection with
Jesus bar Joseph known as the Christ. Encyclicals are
involved, but in what way no one has fully discovered.
Former popes were more inclined to bludgeon and strangle
their dinner guests and throw them into the Tiber, to marry
their daughters and to introduce dancing girls and naked
wrestlers into the performance of the High Mass, than is the
present one, but he's Polish.
What They Think Of Us
The men believe that all English girls look like the
Princess of Wales, and they would rather commit premature
ejaculation with them than with any other nationals.
FRANCE
Which of us under twenty has not thrilled to the
anything-goes philosophy of Jean-Paul Sartre?
The Girls.
All the tarts in the Bois de Boulogne are Algerian
transvestites, but their banter is both winning and witty.
Actual French prostitutes are the rudest and most expensive
in Europe. What you could get for $50 in London will cost
you 1000ff in Paris. At La Grande Pipe, 4 Rue de Douai,
Place Pigalle, the girls, unaware that my investigator spoke
excellent French, sneered at his technique and raucously
called out his deficiencies to their colleagues working in
adjacent rooms. Such establishments are best avoided, since
the girls have breasts like fried eggs and enormous pubic
bushes reeking of garlic. An exception to this rule are the
black girls imported from Africa who climax like
firecrackers. As soon as penetration takes place they go
BANG! Then they don't want to know you. Better to visit the
famous Crazy Horse Saloon behind the Champs Elysees. Here
you will not be sneered at by the artistes: you are expected
to take them back to your hotel after the show, and you will
not be expected to pay. They are all English, however.
Upper class French girls combine sulkiness with glorious
French chic and are even ruder than the tarts. they are
famed for their prudishness throughout the world and will
only accept dinner dates if accompanied by the concierge, a
monosyllabic old crone who will see that they are home by
midnight and whom you will be expected to tip heavily.
The Men
A certain historic animosity exists between the yeomanry of
out two countries, but if you are a certain age and class,
your host will throw a cocktail party in your honour, which
your wife will be expected to attend without her knickers.
As she arrives, lawyers, doctors, philosophers and
politicians will raise her skirt and politely compliment her
on her bottom. After introductory martinis, the guests will
disrobe on the word 'salut'. The host will then take your
wife to the centre of the room, where, to scattered
applause, he will couple with her sophisticatedly. Even
under the socialist regime of President Mitterand, it is
possible to meet most of the French Establishment at parties
of this sort, the best of which are still given by M.
Jean-Jacques Goupil, the toothpaste manufacturer, in spite
of the bad publicity his parties received when, after one of
them, the naked body of Natalie Delon's daughter was found
in a polythene rubbish bag in the grounds of M. Goupil's
country estate. In France, such scandals are thought to be
part and parcel of la vie en rose.
Useful Phrases
Un couillon - a policeman
Un sale con anglais - a tourist
THE U.S.A.
SAN FRANCISCO
What gourmet traveller can fail to be impressed by San
Francisco, city of contrasts? The sea mists rolling in from
the great Pacific, the superb fish restaurants on the lower
wharves, the fans of discipline who chain themselves to
police cars to be dragged out on emergency calls. It may not
be your heart you leave in San Francisco, but your genitals
in the faucet of a fire hydrant.
The Girls
Very few girls live in San Francisco, and those that do work
nights and are unavailable for dinner. It is a scandal that
back-street sex-change surgeons, often using unsterilised
kitchen implements, have done so little to balance the ratio
of men to women.
The Men
Owing to the American enthusiasm for doing everything with
great vigour, the bodies of most San Fransiscan males are
corrugated with the scars of dressage whips and many refuse
Novocaine at the dentist, even for root canal work.
Where The Locals Go
The Mincing Machine in East Bay Road will reduce your
expectations by a third, Cesar's Palace at 881 Bay View
Plaza is a fine meeting place for cross-dressers and
homosexual orgiasts, while Gay for A Laugh, two blocks
north, has a world wide reputation for nude disco dancing,
first line of coke free, anal shows and domination cubicles
on the top floor. Many bondage and discipline establishments
register as churches and gain tax exemptions. Wrath Of God,
Creationists, Seventh Day Adventists and some branches of
the Mormon church offer clients correction, but no sex (in
the Modern Mormon Church of San Francisco you may, for a
contributions to the church's roof, be tied to a whipping
posy and have your varicose veins normalised without
anaesthetic.) Others offer religion in the sense that they
worship sex with their congregation in secret bunkers.
The Legal Administration
The unusual tolerance for sexual eccentricities goes right
to the top of the State process. Although many of the laws
regulating minority financial interests are, by legislative
anomaly, among the most draconian in America, an ex-mayor of
San Francisco is a gay, black, alternative comedian
currently on Death Row for the unlawful killing of the
Secretary of the local branch of the Teamsters' Union by the
insertion of his whole fist into his anus - something
specifically forbidden in the State's penal code since 1979,
when the then District Attorney led a right wing backlash,
resulting in a temporary return to traditional values.
LOS ANGELES
Driving south out of San Francisco down Highway 66, we soon
come to Los Angeles - City of Angels. Who could be failed to
be moved by the Titanic vision of contemporary urban
planners as we approach on the giant perifico?
The Girls
Tribalism has taken such a hold on the young that the
Silicone Generation is impregnable to the outsider. Contact
may be established, however, with the over 35's. They are
all mad, with leathery skins and gin traps fitted in their
genitals. With the help of certain chemicals, you will find
that they'll do almost anything for an English gentleman. On
the negative side they will tell you what they are doing
while they are doing it. This is for the benefit of their
analysts and wearisome for the layman. The most willing
girls are English starlets, too proud to wait at a table.
Whereas five years ago, 73 percent of all prostitutes were
undercover vice officers or sophomores putting themselves
through college, today 73 percent of all prostitutes are
English starlets. This activity hinders their film careers
towards the end, and many reach an uncomfortable crossroads
when they are forced to choose between starring in a video
nasty at the business end of a circular saw, or flying
British Airways into Gatwick.
The Men
They are all very good-looking, very fit, very bronzed, very
undemanding, very stupid, very successful, very rich and
very clear-skinned. This is no town for an Englishman. The
only ways an Englishman can compete is by opening a pub and
importing Watney's Red Barrel, or by pissing into his host's
swimming pool at an all night pyjama party.
What They Think Of Us
A recently conducted poll suggests that the Princess of
Wales could form a series of sexual connections in Los
Angeles with very little difficulty
LAS VEGAS
Who, moving East, would not be awed by the majesty of the
Rockies, the grandeur of the canyons, the happy marriage of
supply-side economics and libertarian philosophy that is
Nevada? Declared an open state after the shooting of Bugsy
Siegal in 1949, Nevada has determined that right of way at
intersections should be decided on a survival of the fittest
principle and may be established by an exchange of small
arms fire.
The Women
Recognising that the only pressing sex problem is how to get
it, Las Vegas's presiding junta (which consists of the local
Chamber of Commerce, Sammy Davis Jr, Frank Sinatra and
representatives from the country's leading Mafia families)
has banned all performance oriented sex manuals on the
grounds of obscenity (and their tendency to increase anxiety
among fat little old men) and replaced them with directories
listing the phone numbers and addresses of registered
brothels. Ironically, this free market paradise has produced
more sexual paranoia in men and madness in women than
existed under the previous authoritarian consensus.
MIAMI
A bachelors paradise. Chance meetings at a restaurant, a
drive-in, a short-order bar, a cocktail lounge or strolling
by the shore. A look, a nod, a secret smile, a small
exchange of cash: these will lead you to a casual, yet
fulfilling, come as you are, guilt free bout of sex. All the
women are over eighty five.
AUSTRALIA
Which Englishman has not dreamt of emigrating to this
cultural paradise with it's glorious climate, subtropical
contrasts, sun kissed beaches and Opera House?
The Men
All the foul mouthed, muscle headed Australian heterosexuals
are over here writing novels and shop-lifting. The men left
at home are largely homosexuals, transvestites and
collectors of decadent Viennese Art. All the women look
like Olivia Newton-John, but so do all the men. Sydney, in
fact, not San Francisco, is the drag capital of the world.
The parade of blond, muscle-bound, homosexual men on Bondi
and Kirribillee is internationally famous, but less
adequately built Englishmen in these locations may yet do
well simply by offering to oil the topless girls, whether or
not they are accompanied by their 'gayboy'. If he attempts
to interfere, push him gently but firmly aside - their
musculature is strictly for show.
The evolutionary effect of this widespread inversion and
surfboard bonding is that it now takes an average of eight
Australian men to satisfy one woman. This results in the
practice known as 'next cab off the rank'. An English girl
who couples with an Australian should know that she will be
expected to oblige consecutively his peers as well, up to
the number of eight. The phenomenon also accounts for
Australia's all-white immigration party, for fear of
spoiling the domestic market with unfair competition.
The Women
The gratitude of Australian women brought to a climax is
famous throughout the world and accounts for the often
substandard performance of visiting sporting teams kept up
all night by the wives of the Australian representatives.
That some English Test teams were too boss-eyed to find a
way to the wicket on recent Test tours is not to be taken to
be a matter of wonder.
Because normal Australian housewives are for the above
reasons, prepared to do anything with any foreigner who
asks, prostitution is rare. (On a recent fact finding
mission to Darwin, my investigator formed a sexual
connection with a domestic air hostess in the Nothing To
Declare queue before setting foot in Australia proper.)
However, women may be paid a modest honorarium - the unit of
currency is often a jumboburger - and this is not thought to
indicate a moral lapse?
The Most Common Form Of Sexual Activity
Casual lesbianism is often resorted to by housewives, and
their favourite practice is to smear themselves with
Vegemite at Tupperware parties and lick each other clean.
Venues For Tupperware Parties
746 Inkerman Drive, Sydney 4006
612 Marine Avenue, sydney 7070
4006 Marie Celeste Road, Melbourne (Marmite is preferred
here, Melbourne being a trifle more sophisticated than it's
brash sister, Sydney.)
Nightclubs, Bondage Bars and Venues for Meeting Dental
Hygienists
The Duke Of Devonshire ('Soft lights and candles up your
@#%$'), 1347 Kings Cross, Sydney, caters for most tastes.
Visitors are welcome and most credit cards are taken.
What They Think Of Us
Handsome, raffish cavaliers whose occasional failings at the
wicket are more than compensated for by our off the seam
successes in bed.
ASIA
Who has not dreamt of the mysterious East? Of flying dragons
and Ming commodes? the dawn coming up like thunder out of
China? Of nimble little women scuttling like crabs across
your body?
The Women
They are the most beautiful, the most pleasing in the world,
and are commonly available for small change. The average
charge for normal intercourse in your hotel room varies from
$7.50 (Bangkok) to $5.95 (Manilla). Additionally, they do
not talk, or, if they do, you cannot understand them. They
are also built unusually small and this makes them popular
with Australians. Because they are the size of eight year
olds it is customary to order them three at a time. For the
same reason they are popular among Australians, they may
also appeal to lower grades of Englishmen (electricians, VAT
officers, non-byline gossip writers.)
Where To Meet The Best
Bangkok: At the government tourist office recommended
brothel on 3342 Yet Tut Phai Street, run by Madam Top,
Expert Oriental Courtesans (or variegated prostitutes, as
Kinsey and Whipple call them) will, for $8.50, aneaesthise a
patch on your scrotum with a chemical, make an incision with
a scalpel and blow the scrotum up to the size of a tennis
ball with a drinking straw. the effect is unlike any you may
have experienced. At Pot Pullas on Omaha Boulevard 436,
electricians and Germans may see Thai dancing girls throwing
and catching frisbees in their vulvae.
Singapore: Most girls pass through the Piano Bar of the
Imperial Hotel at least once a night. Avoid any vegetable
show recommended by the driver of a bicycle rickshaw.
Seoul: In Korea, you are advised to confine your activities
to GI's or WAF's, since North Korean anti-imperialist
prostitutes have infiltrated the south with homemade devices
fitted internally. When their victim has penetrated fully, a
trembler device activates the fitment, which then closes
like a badger trap, serrated spikes flying into the
customers penis. The prostitute then snaps her legs together
and turns through 180 degrees, tearing the penis from the
groin. Ordinarily the customer dies of shock. The practice
was quickly recognised as a potent weapon in the sex war,
and the technique, together with the international patent,
was smuggled out of South Vietnam in 1974 by agents working
for a provisional wing of Californian feminists based in La
Jolla.
Ho Chi Minh City: No sex is permitted here without government
permission. In 1968 it was possible, for $1,500, to see the
wives of cabinet ministers extruding ping-pong balls from
their genitals in private cabarets. This is no longer the
case, and requests for this kind of entertainment may lead
to lengthy periods of confinement in a septic tank.
Hong Kong: Since the end of the Vietnam war, nowhere in Hong
Kong can be recommended, though flights to Manilla offer
free girls in the lavatories as a consumers premium. Duty
free electrical appliances are no longer competitive,
however.
General Note
Asian women west of Korea consider it impolite to climax in
company, but in private they can insert - by a lifetime of
yoga disciplines - up to five eighths of their own bodies
into their genitals. Kowloon call girls are bilingual, but
this is extra.
The Male Element
Fiery local patriots who fight cocks and eat dogs. So
pugnacious are they that, in the absence of a second party,
they will beat themselves up and lay bets on the outcome. Be
careful not to liven their indignation with Western sarcasm.
What They Think Of Us
They admire our ability to laugh at ourselves, particularly
visiting literary men with their little pot bellies, bald
heads and Amex cards. English women are less admired, Mai
Ling Yet, a variegated prostitute trained in Haiku writing,
comments:
'Great ripples of
Marbled fat stinking of red
Meat - doggy breath: yuk!'
They all admire the Princess of Wales though.
