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Horrorscope

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    Horrorscope

    ARIES
    With the Moon in Saturn, you're in for a rough time with your partner,
    but nothing a well placed explosive charge shouldn't take care of.
    Everything will be back to normal by the 28th.
    Lucky number: Bristol 428569
    Lucky Colour: Fondant Puce (see the new Delux Autumn Glow Privatisation
    Range).
    Mantraword: Cucumber

    TAURUS
    That 'Bullworker' Isn't doing you any good at all, you know. We're all
    laughing at you behind your back-you should have heard what we were
    saying in the pub the other night.

    GEMINI
    A family argument is on the horizon - something to do with those
    food parcels you've been sending to Mr. Owen to help him through
    his political crisis. If you want to put yourself and your Robin
    Reliant at the disposal of Mrs. Thatcher at this time of national
    emergency, that's your business. Just don't expect me to help you
    invade Cuba after what happened last time.

    CANCER

    Now is the time to let the real you shine through, time to let rip
    with your creative abilities, time to build that full sized matchstick
    replica of the Hindenburg Zeppelin. Talking of which, it's not gone
    unnoticed that you're developing something of a stomach. Maybe you
    should take up smoking again. (Dedicated to John, you know who you are).

    LEO

    Lucky you! You're going to meet a tall dark stranger with a pronounced
    limp. Speaking in Esperanto, he will try to sell you a controlling
    interest in a trout farm in Paraguay. It's a good deal, but the bank
    manager will take a lot of convincing. Try to get the prospectus
    translated.

    VIRGO
    The long-lost British Marathon team from the 1932 Olympics will turn
    up in your living room and eat all your bacon sandwiches. Before you
    get a chance to call the police they will have driven off in a big
    pink dormobile. Now is a good time to have a holiday. You've really
    got to stop taking that stuff, you know.

    LIBRA
    Mercury fills Uranus and finances are likely to be highlighted this
    month. Your car will be re-possessed by the loan-sharks and your first
    born will be slain by social security snoopers. You could try to
    get a job, you idle half-wit.

    SCORPIO
    Hoo-boy! I'd sure hate to be a Scorpio this month! Plague of locusts,
    smallpox epidemic, an earthquake, nothing good on television, colour
    magazine missing from the Sunday paper. As a rule, Scorpios are
    objectionable people. I hope you get a boil on your bum as well.

    SAGITTARIUS
    The main thing to remember is...keep calm! Go out...Now! Get a months
    supply of tinned food and half a dozen or so jerry cans filled with
    fresh water. And see to it that you have at least one reliable firearm
    with plenty of silver bullets. Block any hidden entrances and sprinkle
    holy water in every room. And pray. Pray as though your life depended
    on it. It does. Get a friend to collect your giro.

    CAPRICORN
    I don't think I've ever met a Capricorn. Why is this sign so deeply
    unfashionable? Well, whoever you are, the chart says you're giving
    birth to a fine healthy seven pound boy on the 29th. I guess all
    Capricorns must be women.

    AQUARIUS
    A close relative will develop an irritating passion for Gregorian
    chant. You will fall madly in love with someone at least 20 years your
    junior. Things have never been the same since the Age of Aquarius ended
    and we joined the Common Market.

    PISCES
    Now's the time to chuck in the job and go off to the Pacific (or maybe
    Portugal) and write that novel. Go to the boss's secretary's desk and
    look in the bottom left drawer. There's a blank, signed cheque for next
    week's petty cash. Ten grand ought to see you through to the first
    publishers advance.
    I don't like the first three paragraphs in chapter seven: they're a
    bit self indulgent.

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