ROCK AND ROLL - MAXIMUM EXPOSURE.
---------------------------------
Listen up suckers! This is Alvin, and I'm here to tell that most of
what you call rock 'n 'roll is grade A @#%$. Who cares about the music?
Nobody seriously gives a monkey about which and what chords these
arseholes play.
'Course there are redeeming features in the r 'n' r circus, namely
the FILTH, the utter DEGRADATION and ultimate DESTRUCTION. Yes, sex,
drugs and death are the little titillations that really get the
heart racing. Music is but a boring by-product of the machine-like
death culture process. You dig what I'm saying? Gimme the cheap
vicarious thrills, the lowdown dirt and geddout...
'Course the only good rock star is a dead rock star, so what I got
fro you is the top, all time, chart of cool casualties. Remember,
extra marks have been awarded for dedication to the cause of
Rot 'n' Roll. A finely honed sense of self destruction, absolute
greed and a stupidly flamboyant manner of snuffing it really gets
the points tally rising. Attitude and Aptitude are all in this game
baby. Like the thin, white, ex-cokehead once said, "This ain't
rock 'n' roll, this is genocide...".
John Lennon - Wanking Class Hero
This ugly and seemingly passive hippy was actually a bad tempered and
violent bastard. He may or may not have kicked to death a drunken
German sailor in the early '60's. You see, to supplement his meagre
wages in the Beatles Hamburg days, John-boy used to go mugging. What
a rotter. Yep, our John was a smelly-scally, pseudo-hippy. But he did
have an utterly depraved drug habit to his credit. In the late 60's
he kept a large mortar and pestle by his bed. Into it he put, and
ground up, every drug he was given or bought. Whenever, by some
extraordinary fluke, he felt himself coming down, he'd wet a
finger, stick it in the bowl and Bob's your uncle! Off he'd go again
to the land of marmalade skies. Johnnie gets the brownie points for
actually bleaching out the colour in his vision for a while, through
too much acid.
However John Winston loses a lot of cred for going out with the
unpleasant Yoko, whose only beneficial act was to help split up the
Beatles before they turned into parodies of themselves. And I'm
afraid I'm going to have to deduct more points for the criminal act
of putting a naked photo of them both on the cover of 'Two Virgins'
LP.
Johnny utterly lost control when Moano briefly dumped him in the 70's.
Trying to be funny, he sat in a nightclub with a tampon on his head.
In the course of being ejected for stupidity, he demanded of the
waitress, "Do you know who I am?, to which the quick witted girl
replied, "Yeah, you're an @#%$ with a tampon on his head." Remember
him this way kids.
Lennon gets some marks for writing the archly-hypocritical 'Imagine' -
"Imagine no possessions" - F**k off John, oh, and lend us a fiver.
Absolutely no points for getting shot in the head. Sorry. Only 3/10
on the cool-ometer for this deadbeat, I'm afraid.
Jimi Hendrix - Kinky Afro
A big 'hi' to the man who shagged his guitar. Stroking it like it was
his @#%$, or something.
He was another utterly violent sod. After a gig in Seattle, he had a
vicious little contretemps with one of his own band. It took three cops
to drag him off to the slammer.
However, most of his macho fury was directed at his girlfriends. One
of his nice tricks was to lock one time lover Kathy Etchingham in her
bedroom for imagined misdemeanours, whilst he was off shagging the
whole world.
Like most real men, Jim had a fine set of double standards. On one
particular occasion, they were at a nightclub and Kathy left the table
to phone a friend. After a while, Jimi came to look for her. Assuming
that she was talking to a male competitor, he took the phone out of
her hand and beat her round the head with it. Kathy was screaming blue
murder when Paul McCartney happened by and pulled the gallant Jim of
his lover. One other occasion, her nose broken in three places with a
well aimed kick.
Eric Burdon, who played with 60's beat group the Animals, said of him:
"Jimi Hendrix was a genius, but one minute he was on stage singing
about the mass of underdogs in America, and the next he's kicking
hell out of some poor chick in a back alley."
Jimi died when he choked on his own vomit, after taking an excessive
number of pills. That's right, he spoke into the great white telephone
and God, or the Devil, answered right back.
Jim was a total fallacy. A storming 7/10 for the cheeky bugger.
Elvis Presley - Fat Guy In Rock 'N' Roll Heaven
This cat was the modern day daddy of 'em all - the users, the abusers
and the losers. He was the King...of horrific waste and debauch. He
was the embodiment of decadence, his crown was made of old hamburger
wrappers and empty pill boxes. Boy, this dude it could put it away.
At the end, Elvis weighed in at a massive 225 pounds of solid gold
fat. He gorged himself with fodder at every time of the night and
day. In the course of a feeding frenzy, he could go through 20 or 30
containers of his favourite yucky yogurt at on go. On one occasion
he had the plan to fly himself and some pals thousands of miles in his
private 'plane for a sweet taste of a particularly favourite sandwich.
Yeah, Elvis picks up a lot of points for having the sheer guts to wear
a silver, spangly body suit while looking like a beached walrus. As I
said, a ton of fun...We're talking munchies here, right. 'Cause this
man's drug habit was something else! Years of being injected with
exotic chemicals four or five times daily made his body look like an
enormous pin-cushion. Albert Goldman in his biography 'Elvis', makes
the horrible little point that if a tiny drop of ink had been put into
every shot, our boy would have looked like the tattooed lady at a circus.
Often, a lackey would have to search between the Kings toes for a bit
of unpunctured skin.
Once his 'medicine' (all kinds of potent, recreational uppers and
downers) had been administered, he'd enter a state of hibernation,
breaking consciousness only a couple of times a day. Lying on the bed,
his buttocks would be swathed in thick towels - the King had a happy
habit of unwittingly tulipting himself.
Elvis scores points for having the audacious hypocrisy/sense of humour
to have himself appointed as a special agent of the Bureau of Narcotics
and Dangerous Drugs, by President Nixon no less, whilst being out
of his skull.
Mr. Presley actually pegged it whilst sitting on the bog. A little turd
at the bottom of the pan was his true legacy. This alone give him the
mega deservedly 9/10 on the cool casualty scale. Attaboy Elvis, you done
us proud.
Sid Vicious - Teenage Perversity
As everybody knows, Sid was the personification and glorification
of powerless, soulless despair and nihilistic perversity - well at
least it keeps you off the streets.
Sid had an exemplary, if short live, career as a total rock and roll
casualty. He gets full marks for the following reasons:
* Chaining Nick Kent, a pompous music journalist, at the 100 Club Punk
Festival. He was also accused of throwing the glass which blinded
a girl at the same event. Not for one moment do we believe that the
boy could have done it.
* For wearing a swastika t-shirt in the Jewish quarter of Paris. This
places him in the 'sick f**ker' category of his own.
* Of course, Sidney gets a hell of a lot of cred for not actually
being able to play - they used to turn his amp off at gigs. The
sweetest sound his guitar ever made was when he crashed it onto
the head of an irate punter in America.
* At the same gig he sliced the mysterious words 'gimme a fix' on his
bare chest with a knife. Everybody loves man who knows what he wants.
* But, no extra marks for overdosing on skag - everybody does that...
boring. However he gets some points for not doing it in the bath
and for the fact that the fatal shot was apparently given by his
own mother.
Remember kids, Sid was nicknamed Vicious 'cause he was a total juvenile
jellyfish. I have no hesitation in announcing him COOL CASUALTY of the
month with an exemplary 10/10. Come on down...
---------------------------------
Listen up suckers! This is Alvin, and I'm here to tell that most of
what you call rock 'n 'roll is grade A @#%$. Who cares about the music?
Nobody seriously gives a monkey about which and what chords these
arseholes play.
'Course there are redeeming features in the r 'n' r circus, namely
the FILTH, the utter DEGRADATION and ultimate DESTRUCTION. Yes, sex,
drugs and death are the little titillations that really get the
heart racing. Music is but a boring by-product of the machine-like
death culture process. You dig what I'm saying? Gimme the cheap
vicarious thrills, the lowdown dirt and geddout...
'Course the only good rock star is a dead rock star, so what I got
fro you is the top, all time, chart of cool casualties. Remember,
extra marks have been awarded for dedication to the cause of
Rot 'n' Roll. A finely honed sense of self destruction, absolute
greed and a stupidly flamboyant manner of snuffing it really gets
the points tally rising. Attitude and Aptitude are all in this game
baby. Like the thin, white, ex-cokehead once said, "This ain't
rock 'n' roll, this is genocide...".
John Lennon - Wanking Class Hero
This ugly and seemingly passive hippy was actually a bad tempered and
violent bastard. He may or may not have kicked to death a drunken
German sailor in the early '60's. You see, to supplement his meagre
wages in the Beatles Hamburg days, John-boy used to go mugging. What
a rotter. Yep, our John was a smelly-scally, pseudo-hippy. But he did
have an utterly depraved drug habit to his credit. In the late 60's
he kept a large mortar and pestle by his bed. Into it he put, and
ground up, every drug he was given or bought. Whenever, by some
extraordinary fluke, he felt himself coming down, he'd wet a
finger, stick it in the bowl and Bob's your uncle! Off he'd go again
to the land of marmalade skies. Johnnie gets the brownie points for
actually bleaching out the colour in his vision for a while, through
too much acid.
However John Winston loses a lot of cred for going out with the
unpleasant Yoko, whose only beneficial act was to help split up the
Beatles before they turned into parodies of themselves. And I'm
afraid I'm going to have to deduct more points for the criminal act
of putting a naked photo of them both on the cover of 'Two Virgins'
LP.
Johnny utterly lost control when Moano briefly dumped him in the 70's.
Trying to be funny, he sat in a nightclub with a tampon on his head.
In the course of being ejected for stupidity, he demanded of the
waitress, "Do you know who I am?, to which the quick witted girl
replied, "Yeah, you're an @#%$ with a tampon on his head." Remember
him this way kids.
Lennon gets some marks for writing the archly-hypocritical 'Imagine' -
"Imagine no possessions" - F**k off John, oh, and lend us a fiver.
Absolutely no points for getting shot in the head. Sorry. Only 3/10
on the cool-ometer for this deadbeat, I'm afraid.
Jimi Hendrix - Kinky Afro
A big 'hi' to the man who shagged his guitar. Stroking it like it was
his @#%$, or something.
He was another utterly violent sod. After a gig in Seattle, he had a
vicious little contretemps with one of his own band. It took three cops
to drag him off to the slammer.
However, most of his macho fury was directed at his girlfriends. One
of his nice tricks was to lock one time lover Kathy Etchingham in her
bedroom for imagined misdemeanours, whilst he was off shagging the
whole world.
Like most real men, Jim had a fine set of double standards. On one
particular occasion, they were at a nightclub and Kathy left the table
to phone a friend. After a while, Jimi came to look for her. Assuming
that she was talking to a male competitor, he took the phone out of
her hand and beat her round the head with it. Kathy was screaming blue
murder when Paul McCartney happened by and pulled the gallant Jim of
his lover. One other occasion, her nose broken in three places with a
well aimed kick.
Eric Burdon, who played with 60's beat group the Animals, said of him:
"Jimi Hendrix was a genius, but one minute he was on stage singing
about the mass of underdogs in America, and the next he's kicking
hell out of some poor chick in a back alley."
Jimi died when he choked on his own vomit, after taking an excessive
number of pills. That's right, he spoke into the great white telephone
and God, or the Devil, answered right back.
Jim was a total fallacy. A storming 7/10 for the cheeky bugger.
Elvis Presley - Fat Guy In Rock 'N' Roll Heaven
This cat was the modern day daddy of 'em all - the users, the abusers
and the losers. He was the King...of horrific waste and debauch. He
was the embodiment of decadence, his crown was made of old hamburger
wrappers and empty pill boxes. Boy, this dude it could put it away.
At the end, Elvis weighed in at a massive 225 pounds of solid gold
fat. He gorged himself with fodder at every time of the night and
day. In the course of a feeding frenzy, he could go through 20 or 30
containers of his favourite yucky yogurt at on go. On one occasion
he had the plan to fly himself and some pals thousands of miles in his
private 'plane for a sweet taste of a particularly favourite sandwich.
Yeah, Elvis picks up a lot of points for having the sheer guts to wear
a silver, spangly body suit while looking like a beached walrus. As I
said, a ton of fun...We're talking munchies here, right. 'Cause this
man's drug habit was something else! Years of being injected with
exotic chemicals four or five times daily made his body look like an
enormous pin-cushion. Albert Goldman in his biography 'Elvis', makes
the horrible little point that if a tiny drop of ink had been put into
every shot, our boy would have looked like the tattooed lady at a circus.
Often, a lackey would have to search between the Kings toes for a bit
of unpunctured skin.
Once his 'medicine' (all kinds of potent, recreational uppers and
downers) had been administered, he'd enter a state of hibernation,
breaking consciousness only a couple of times a day. Lying on the bed,
his buttocks would be swathed in thick towels - the King had a happy
habit of unwittingly tulipting himself.
Elvis scores points for having the audacious hypocrisy/sense of humour
to have himself appointed as a special agent of the Bureau of Narcotics
and Dangerous Drugs, by President Nixon no less, whilst being out
of his skull.
Mr. Presley actually pegged it whilst sitting on the bog. A little turd
at the bottom of the pan was his true legacy. This alone give him the
mega deservedly 9/10 on the cool casualty scale. Attaboy Elvis, you done
us proud.
Sid Vicious - Teenage Perversity
As everybody knows, Sid was the personification and glorification
of powerless, soulless despair and nihilistic perversity - well at
least it keeps you off the streets.
Sid had an exemplary, if short live, career as a total rock and roll
casualty. He gets full marks for the following reasons:
* Chaining Nick Kent, a pompous music journalist, at the 100 Club Punk
Festival. He was also accused of throwing the glass which blinded
a girl at the same event. Not for one moment do we believe that the
boy could have done it.
* For wearing a swastika t-shirt in the Jewish quarter of Paris. This
places him in the 'sick f**ker' category of his own.
* Of course, Sidney gets a hell of a lot of cred for not actually
being able to play - they used to turn his amp off at gigs. The
sweetest sound his guitar ever made was when he crashed it onto
the head of an irate punter in America.
* At the same gig he sliced the mysterious words 'gimme a fix' on his
bare chest with a knife. Everybody loves man who knows what he wants.
* But, no extra marks for overdosing on skag - everybody does that...
boring. However he gets some points for not doing it in the bath
and for the fact that the fatal shot was apparently given by his
own mother.
Remember kids, Sid was nicknamed Vicious 'cause he was a total juvenile
jellyfish. I have no hesitation in announcing him COOL CASUALTY of the
month with an exemplary 10/10. Come on down...
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