Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture,
literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of George
Bush.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is
on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George
the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your
name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

[BrilloPad]

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America
as collected by Kathy Hinckley in "Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy
Who Likes Broccoli".

WOMEN SEEKING MEN
-----------------
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway.
I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane.
Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10",
brown/blue.


SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally
unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead
from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.


Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker;
felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds;
like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have
body parts pierced. Others feel free.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN
-----------------

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman
with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.


Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of
watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out. Seeks depressed,
unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about
the macabre.


Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging
bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.


Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16
digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs. Better
looking than Bill Gates.

And then there were these from the PERVCONNECTION:

I need to be punished! Well-off older WM needs expert discipline from
young, under 30 men or women. Enjoy leg worship and harness-training.


Married WF seeks bald Asian dwarves for sex experiments. I love it
when you little bastards are naked.


If interested in first-time group sex experience. Safe sex only with
sensitive, attractive couples or groups, no animals. Age unimportant.
Will travel. Let's be buddies!

Put on the rubber glove and call me sweetheart.

[BrilloPad]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just
stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them
flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of sh1t in our garden."

[BrilloPad]

Once upon a time... there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He
had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured
out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first
thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and
asked them to stop.

Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two
animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You
will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me".
A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."

This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there
was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot
of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical
sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to
be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I
wish the bear was gay" and then took off like a bat out of hell........

[BrilloPad]

Proof Reading and "Proof Understanding". These are actual clippings from
church bulletins and newspapers. It's amazing what a little proofreading
would provide. ...

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your
own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[BrilloPad]

A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes
spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you &
insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together
& hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend

JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.



POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you
the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost
getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.


CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner
but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive
dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date
and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.


INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


LATIN WOMAN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get
her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her
sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and
beans in the Bronx.

[BrilloPad]

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having
to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs
you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you
can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf
game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content
to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often
even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that
engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from
office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be
the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person
that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls
today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a
letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as
everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to
sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your
utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills"
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating
these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who
actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible
to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly
with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems
such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13) CIVIL SERVANT
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the
invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term
"GO POSTAL"

[BrilloPad]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[BrilloPad]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went
straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa
had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely
asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with
the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream
van going past, he'd still be alive."

[BrilloPad]

You know you are a true child of the 80s when...

*You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places
that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.
*Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite cartoon.
*Your lunch times were spent perfecting swan dives and backspins.
*You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the relative
merits of Matt & Luke.
*You owned, or wanted a "Frankie says..." T-shirt.
*You have ever danced (or even worse cried) to Kylie & Jason.
*Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in
your wardrobe or make-up collection.
*You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without
having your arms in the sleeves, and knew you looked like a super-hero.
*You remember when the A-Ha video was the pinnacle of modern
technology, and you can still sing all the words.
*Parachuting Action man was your favourite toy.
*Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt.
*You ever owned a thin, black leather tie (and were proud of it), or
worse it was patterned like a piano.
*You wondered why a popular kids TV programme told you to "Turn off
your TV set and go and do some less boring instead".
*You cried at Zammo's funeral.
*You wanted to be either Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys.
*You ever said "It's my ball, and if I can't be Kevin Keegan I'm
going home!"
*You remember the aerobie scare.
*You have ever po-goed or space-hopped.
*You remember when Keith Chegwin & Maggie Philbin were the hottest
romantic couple.
*You wondered why your walkie-talkie didn't have the same range as
those in the Red Hand Gang.
*You were shocked by the controversial plot lines in Degrassi Junior
High.
*You tried to set up a "Famous Five" or "Secret Seven" gang with your
school friends.
*You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the
front of his Capri so it looked like KITT.
*"Ca-vey Wa-vey!" means anything to you.
*You ever had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.
*Not only did you wear luminous clothing, but they were mismatched
fingerless gloves and towelling socks.
*You remember when Betamax was at the cutting edge of technology.
*Conveyor belts regularly carried washing machines, deep-fat fryers
and a cuddly toy.
*You could have got away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling
kids.
*(Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally worn with leg
warmers.
*(Boys) You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with
white towelling socks.
*Shiny grey flecked suits.
*You rolled the sleeves of your suit jacket up
*Ooh, you could crush a Grape!
*You went to school with Pogo Patterson, Gripper Stebson, and
Ro-land.
*Fingermouse.
*You were proud of your picture appearing in the Gallery.
*You remember Look In magazine, and when it was only 20p
*You wondered why you and your mates never encountered diamond
thieves whilst out on your BMXs.
*No 73?
*You can remember what Quatro tasted like. (who Suzi?)
*Your best mate had a soda stream at home and you were jealous