Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can
prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise
shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that
he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington."

And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour
and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin,
what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not
totally convinced. After they leave the White House
grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who
again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and
I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with
the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin
returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to
his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
man next to me said, "Who the f**k's that on the
balcony with Colin?"

[BrilloPad]

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon
after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few months later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her
second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also
dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally
together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do
you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second
husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[BrilloPad]

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what
drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on
almost all counts.

The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK:

Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually
has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.

Drink : Baileys.
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and
naked.
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

IF MEN DRINK:

Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
Desperate
to get laid.

Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to
get laid.

Whisky : He doesn't give two tulips about anything and will hit
anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all
about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.)to weasel himself into
getting laid.

Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay
(Blatantly).

[BrilloPad]

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me
$50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing.....!"

[BrilloPad]

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They
were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But
the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk;
you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot
had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and
capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six
aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little
plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know
where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place
where we crashed last year..."

[BrilloPad]

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying "This is a crock
of tulip and it stinks."
And the Workers went to their Supervisors and said "It is a pail
of dung and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went to their Managers, saying "It is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may
abide it."
And the Managers went to their Directors, saying "It is a vessel
of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one
another; "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is
very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto
them "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto
him "This new plan will actively promote growth and vigour of
the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became policy.
And that is how tulip happens.

[BrilloPad]

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was
placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of
flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and
eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just
then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

[BrilloPad]

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was
leaving for the crusades and called one of his squires. "I'm leaving
for the crusades. I'm entrusting you with the key to my wife's
chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the
key."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and
takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across
the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Sire. Thank goodness I was able
to catch you. This is the wrong key."

[BrilloPad]

Actual label instructions on consumer products: (Yeah some of them are new!)

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

[BrilloPad]

On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read:
"WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the
bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low
and
behold the first instruction was DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily
Orifice...

My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots
in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed
to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label
stated, "Only use in well ventilated areas."

Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub
before use.

On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

On a bottle of hand lotion: Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.

On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause
irritation!

Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless
you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is Remove plastic.

On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better.
Below in small print it said "Lab test: (their product) vs. water.

On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was
better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters, vs. using no
adhesive.

I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the
front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards,
jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from
future lawsuits.

One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer
when I read the warnings it said "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"

Seen on the back of a drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."

On a Band-Aid box: "For serious injuries, seek medical attention."

On a can of powdered infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." Like
I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!

This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for
carpets, too!"

This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments: "Do not
turn upside down."

On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo, "Tastes so good this box never
closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place
tab here."

On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed
orange juice from concentrate."

I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said
"No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos: Dip chips in cheese and salsa.

The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not
for highway use."

On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in
households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed
directly on pets."

While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction
worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he
was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer
were the words, 'Use protective eyewear.'

On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign
that states: "Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."

On the label of Sterno (Meths?) is a warning that says, "Do not use near fire
or
flame."

Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into
electrical outlet."

Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was
the (large lettered) sign: "Warning: Do not put any person in this
washer."

There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child
before folding."

I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks.
At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive
underwater.