Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply
and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship
until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, are a
mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of
crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and
to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far
and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to
join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters
all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose
from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and
all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw
after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally
looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.............................

Finally, the crab spoke...

"Fluck, I'm p**sed."

[BrilloPad]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed
that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We
are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you
will have to share the room with others", he is told
by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and
that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So
the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert
is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss
mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss
physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays
at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's
hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm
sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do
you think interest rates are headed?"

[BrilloPad]

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his
wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to
live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with
him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey,
now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make
love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder
and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and turned until he was down to only four more
hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen
Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't".

[BrilloPad]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when
he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and
says,

"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me
running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint,
tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says,

"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,
you'll see, you'll feel So good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and
all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up
and the rabbit again says,

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest,
you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to
beat the sh!t out of the rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at
him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to
help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little f^cker! He makes me run
around the forest like an idiot every time he does a pill!"

[BrilloPad]

Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years
of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love
to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Bob says, "If
you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have
even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left
hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but
says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an
hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your
left hand, and my penis in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the
routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once its all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Bob, tell me,
does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right
stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my
wallet."

[BrilloPad]

>>Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
>>One was a architect, the second man was an accountant, the third
>>man was a chemist, the fourth was an IT contractor.
>>
>>To show off, the architect called to his dog. "T-square, do your
>stuff!"
>>T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
>>promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
>>Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, just like his owner.
>>
>>But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to
>>his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff!"
>>Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
>cookies.
>>He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
>>Everyone agreed that was good, just like his owner.
>>
>>But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his
>>dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!"
>>Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of
>>milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
>>and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
>>Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive, just like his owner.
>>
>>Then the three men turned to the IT Contractor. and said, "What
>>can your dog do?"
>>
>>The IT Contractor called to his dog and said, "Chargeable, do your
>stuff!"
>>Chargeable jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
>dumped
>>on the floor, ****ed the other three dogs, and wrote out an invoice
>for
>>$7,200.00

[BrilloPad]

A Day Out In Wales
4 bus loads of English go to South Wales for the day. They have a lovely
day and visit many parts of the principality. They start off in the Gower
and then off to Dan Yr Ogaf for the stalagmites and a nice lunch.

They have a nice chit-chat about how much they have enjoyed the day and
then decide to stop off in a typical Welsh club on the way back to the
bridge and they end up in Merthyr and promptly pile out of the coaches and
proceed to completely pack out the place.

They are greeted warmly and decide to have food as well as Allbright.

The owner is ecstatic by the takings and goes up to the organiser and says
"Thank u evvvver so much wus, U iz always welcome ere mun."
"As a way of extending this welcome you are all welcome to join us
in the weekly game of bingo".

Everyone cheers and they all buy at least 6 books each. The owner cannot
believe it and just before the balls are called addresses the locals and
the guests;

"May I thank our guests this evening and wish them well on their journey.
Thanks to their joining us I can announce to everyone that we have record
prizes this evening"
"100 pounds a line and 750 pounds a full house"
" Good luck and enjoy yourselves. Right then here we go, eyes down look in."

"On its own , Pedwar"

[BrilloPad]

'Big Brother' humour...

"God!! There are 9 of us in here.....!!! It does not seem to be as many
as at the start!!!..." - Helen

"I dreamed last night when I was asleep..." - Helen

"There's less people in the house than we started with" - Helen

"Do I look chubby, I'm worried if I'm nominated as I'll have lots of
pictures taken of me. I just won't eat anything on Friday". - Helen

"The problem is you're so similar - but in different ways." - Amma

"I was nervous and I'm never nervous" - Paul

"If there were less people in here it would be less crowded." - Dean

"You do have 5 fingers don't you?" - Helen

"I think I'm the only Welsh person in here" - Helen

On her G.C.S.E's: "God!! How come you lot have got loads and I have only
got 2" - Helen

"I probably sound Welsh on the telly" - Helen

Dean playing "The Look of Love" with Amma singing along, Helen : "Is
that one of your songs, Dean?"

"I love blinking, I do!" - Helen

"It would have to be - like - half a trained dog" - Amma

"What is a Liberal Democrat?" - Helen

"Is the jelly cooked" - Helen

"This is big brother, a meteorite has landed in the garden. You have 2
minutes to get dressed..."Helen: "dressed? what as in clothes?"

"Yeah, you know Jack Daniels... he does all the magic stuff!" - Helen

Bubble was balancing the 3 juggling balls on Brian's head as he was
reading a book on the sofa and Helen said: "that's fantastic that is,
does he know?"

Helen, the first one in the hot tub- (Sun behind clouds, cold outside)
"It's just like being in Spain!"

"What does insanity MEAN???" - Helen

Brian: "What if she's (Helen) got an IQ of 25?" Helen: "Actually, I'm
only 23"

Stuart: "What's Deans greatest fear?" Bubble: "Going insane" Helen: "No
it isn't, its insanity he's scared of"

"Those infrared cameras can see under your duvet covers" - Helen

"I've heard that when men's willies are erect they are all the same size"
- Helen

"I don't like telling clients (her hairdressing customers) that I teach
dancing because they might think I'm being big headed". - Helen

Josh: "I've had 4 wet dreams... I wake up in the morning covered."
Helen: "Covered in what?"

Dean told the group how fans had stalked members of his band. Helen
seemed shocked. "I've never been stalked. It doesn't happen in Wales,"

"... They're self-indulged with themselves..." - Helen

" I fancy cheese on toast " A while later... "I fancy something to eat
but I'm not sure what I fancy " - Helen

"What's in kidney beans?" - Helen

(when Helen was cutting Paul's hair) Helen: "I don't think any camera is
on me right now" Paul: "yeah except for the one right in front of us!"

Helen: "Oh yeah" "Jimmy, Isn't that the name of a baby Kangaroo?" -
Helen

Brian to Helen, "Did you make any mistakes cutting people's hair?" Helen,
"When I was training, I cut someone's necklace off".

Helen to Dean, "Can you play the Vengaboy's are coming?" Dean, "No".

"How much Chicken is there in Chick Peas?" - Helen

[BrilloPad]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register
for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAYNE GO
TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one
individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl...

"I just use their surnames"

[BrilloPad]

DAGENHAM - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
market down 11 percent since 1996, Ford unveiled a new instant-win airbag
contest on Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all
of the company's 2001 cars.

"Car accidents have never been so exciting," said Ford vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2001 sales
significantly. "When you play the new Ford Instant Win Airbag Game, your
next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the FA Cup Final in
Cardiff, or a year's worth of free Esso Unleaded."

Though it does not officially begin until Feb. 1, 2001, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself,'Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be a big winner!'" said
Cambridge's Bernard Freeman, who lost his wife but won £50 on Sunday when
the Escort Si they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed
into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment,
I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood
and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Plymouth resident Peter Noods, speaking from
his hospital bed, where he is listed in critical condition with severe
brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed
four cars trying to win those Cup Final tickets, but I still haven't won.
I swear, I'm going to win those tickets-even if it kills me!"

Noods said that as soon as he is well enough, he plans to buy a new Mondeo
LX and drive it into a tree.

Ford officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. "In the past, nobody really liked car crashes, and
that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and,
sometimes, even fatal," Ford CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you
drive a new Ford car or Iveco truck, your next serious crash could mean
serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is
killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to Ford's official contest rules, odds of winning the
grand prize, a brand new 2001 Ford Focus Cosworth, are 1 in 43,000,000.

Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious
car accident in the first place-approximately 1 in 720,000 - the actual
odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in
31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee
the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in
my new Galaxy," said Cardiff resident Dick Yaknasty. "My car was
totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got
hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is
the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his
2001 Mondeo, won a £100 gift certificate. That's just wrong."