Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A middle-aged guy is down the shore at a resort,
resting on a beach, his elderly mother watching
attentively from the balcony of the hotel. Suddenly
there's a clap of thunder and an enormous wave sweeps
him out to sea. The mother storms down the sand,
waving her fists and yelling all the way, 'God! You
bring back my son! You hear me? You bring him back
NOW!!' After a moment's pause, there's another clap of
thunder and another enormous wave deposits him gently
on the sand exactly where he was. The mother looks up,
shakes her finger, and says, 'He had a HAT!'

[daviejones]

rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

“Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :

“Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.”

[daviejones]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[daviejones]

poor old trucker breaks down and has the hood of his truck rolled over, looking at it in disgust...no tools...no idea...no help. Lady drives by and sees his plight and rummages through her glove box and finds only a screwdriver but..."that may just be what he needs" so she circles around and pulls up, rolls down her window and says " Ya need a screwdriver?" He says " Might as well...truck wont start"

[daviejones]

After a few drinks, a drunk guy heads for the bathroom at his favorite watering hole. He's feelin no pain. After a few minutes , a loud blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
Potter says, "I'm just sitting on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says......."You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

[daviejones]

This couple has only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies.
He says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."

He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when thewife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting the chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: buffalo wings, nachos mushroom caps, chicken strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
DRINK YOUR ******* BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ******* MUG AND EAT YOUR ******* DAMN SNACKS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

[daviejones]

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

[BrilloPad]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.







A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.







The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:







Dear Sir,



Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.







The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.



We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[BrilloPad]

A blind man is waiting at the bus stop with a man and his wife, and
their nine kids. A bus comes along, but the driver only has room for ten
more passengers. The man puts his wife and kids on the bus, and tells them
that he'll walk with blind man to the next bus stop where there is a
greater choice of buses, to which the blind man agrees. As they walk, the
blind man's stick goes tap-tap, tap-tap until the man can stand it no
longer. "Why don't you put a rubber on the end?". The blind man said "If
you'd followed that advice we'd both be on that bloody bus!".

[BrilloPad]

The Pope visits East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see
him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest
turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."

The Pope says "Speak my son; if I can guide you, I will".

Bernard says "Look, your holiness, turkey doesn't seem to be
as popular as it used to be at Christmas. Because of this I
have been building up a stock of extra turkeys each year and
I need to start selling them all year round. I am willing to
pay you 10 million pounds a year over 10 years to change a
single word in the Lord's Prayer, to help me out."

The Pope looks quizzically at Bernard: "Pray continue, my son".

Bernard then says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
turkey', it will stick in people's minds. They'll have turkey
more often, and I'll be sorted."

The Pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great
unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly
change it".

Bernard says, "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12
years"

The Pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change
it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."

Bernard now gets desperate and pleads. "Look, this is my best
offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then
going up by 5 million pounds a year, and so on each 5 years,
for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."

The Pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in
peace".

The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.

The next day the Pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately
calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and
the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good
news is I have got us 20 million pounds a year..."

A gasp echoes round the chamber and one cardinal says "That is
excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"

The Pope replies with a sigh, "We've lost the Hovis account."