Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Mrs Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was
very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting
had been a wonderful hypnotist.

Mr Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday Maybe
they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over
with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea.

After lots of publicising, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath. The
hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerised, the
hypnotist began, "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch."

The congregation carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the
watch. "Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued. Then, accidentally,
the watch fell out of his hand.

"Sh*t!" he cried.

Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

[BrilloPad]

Becks runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to his
bedroom to find Posh laid out naked across the bed huffing and
puffing.

Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"

She stutters a reply, "I'm.. er, er.. I'm having a Heart attack".

"Oh no" he cries in despair, "I'll call an ambulance..."

He proceeds to leg it downstairs, picks up the phone and begins
dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by Brooklyn
who whispers into his ear, "Uncle Giggsy is in the Wardrobe with
no clothes on, Daddy."

Infuriated, he runs upstairs and pulls open the wardrobe. Sure
enough, everyone's favourite carpet chested Welshman is stood
there starkers.

"You B@stard ..." screams Becks, "...my wife is right over there
having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring
Brooklyn."

[BrilloPad]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is
money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is
alcohol. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandi"
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her
little boy by the hand and
whispered,
"Come on, Dick, let's go."

[BrilloPad]

A teacher who went missing three years ago has been found in the attic
of his school in Russia. Deputy headmaster Vassily Vorobyev stormed off
in a rage when his boss called him 'an ignoramus', and never reappeared.
He lived on canteen food and passed the time studying maths. He was
found when he started a fire while cooking.


An Oregon car dealer has been fined $80,000 for selling seven sports
cars in a month to a 78-year-old Alzheimer's sufferer who doesn't drive.

Jeremy Locock, 29, of Blandford, Dorset, was jailed for a month for
swiping his probation officer's wallet as they discussed his community
service.

A Pittsburgh woman died after imagining she saw Jesus by the roadside,
surrounded by angels ascending to heaven. Filled with religious rapture,
she hurled herself out of the sun-roof of her husband's car. What she
had actually seen was Ernie Jenkins on his way to a party dressed as
Jesus. He had stopped by the side of the road when his disciples - 12
helium-filled sex dolls - came loose from their moorings in his truck
and started to drift off.

[Denny]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is
money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is
alcohol. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandi"
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her
little boy by the hand and
whispered,
"Come on, Dick, let's go."

That's a good 'un.

I assume your mother was obsessed with cleaning pans.

[Denny]

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those that don't.

Who 'ate' the rest?

[BrilloPad]

That's a good 'un.

I assume your mother was obsessed with cleaning pans.

and your mother obsessed with food?

[BA to the Stars]

BUSINESS PHILOSOPHY


SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a
riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
part of a Democracy.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

[Denny]

There are 101 types of people in this world:

those who love binary,
those that hate binary,
those who don't watch television,
those who don't read,
those that don't read or watch television.

[I'mFree]

12 men?

12 men and 1 woman were Shipwrecked on a desert island.