My mate crashed his car on the way to work this morning, hit one of them new skodas, there was cake and jelly everywhere!
-
-
A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says,
'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'
'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says,
'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'
'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'
Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says,
'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and me Dad says if he carries on at that rate it will take the contagious.'Comment
-
Men are like.....Floor Tiles
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for
years!
Men are like.....Bank Accounts
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Blenders
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like....Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Parking spots
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like.....Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snow storms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or
how long they will last.
Men are like.....Bank Machines
Once they withdraw, they lose interest.
Men are like......Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like....Newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
Men are like..... Laxatives
They irritate the tulip out of you.Comment
-
How to give a cat a pill...
1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of the cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the
cheeks whilst holding the pill in the right hand. As you
gradually ease the cat's mouth open in this fashion, pop the
pill into its mouth and allow the cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
the cat in left arm again, and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main bedroom, and
throw away the soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
thrust pill to the back of its mouth with right forefinger.
Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden to assist.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold
front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted from cat. Get
spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand, while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil
wrap. Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from floor, and
set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw and force cat's mouth pen with pencil. Blow
forcefully down straw.
9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to
humans. Drink beer to take away the taste and apply band-aid to
spouse's forearm. Remove blood from carpet with soap and water,
and discard shredded towel in waste bin.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on
cat's neck so as to leave only the head protruding. Force
mouth open with spoon, and however much force it takes.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink in one gulp.
Apply cold compress to cheek, and check date of last tetanus
jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect, and toss
back another shot for good measure. Throw T-shirt in bin
next to shredded towel.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve f**king cat from tree across
the road, and apologise profusely to neighbour who crashed into
his pool whilst swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to
legs of metal garden chairs with twine. Find heavy pruning
gloves from shed. Push into cat's mouth, followed by a large
piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's head vertical, and pour two
litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
emergency room for stitching of your fingers and forearm, and
removal of pill from your left nostril. Call in at garden
centre on way home to get new garden chairs.
15. Arrange with RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and
find out if they have any hamsters who need good homes.Comment
-
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife
"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his
wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother
of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"Comment
-
-
Dead funny....
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"Comment
-
Kevin Keegen has stated 'he will bring new faces to Newcastle UTD', Peter Beardsley has asked can he have one of the new faces
Comment
-
Denny - scroll up 9 posts.Originally posted by Denny View Post
Two hunters... ..."OK, now what?"Comment
-
The new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of
you should be interested in:
BECOMING A REAL MAN.
That's right, in just six terms you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn
a degree.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas,
Valentine's Day, etc.
Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers
Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important (1)
Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important (2)
Course Electives
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)Comment
Comment