Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

Albert was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he came into
the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just
tell Albert the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Albert just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later Albert came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called
sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants
to talk to you."

[darmstadt]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City ...

...and went to find the Great Wizard

' What brings the four of you before the great Wi zard of Oz? '

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

'I've come for some courage.'

' No Problem!' said the Wizard. 'Who is next?'
Richard Nixon stepped forward and said:

'Well, I think I need a heart.'
'Done!' says the Wizard.

'Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?'
Up stepped Bush and said,

'The American people say that I need a brain.'
'No problem,' said the Wizard. 'Consider it done.'

Then there is a great silence in the hall
BILL CLINTON stands there, looking around, not saying a word.
The irritated Wizard finally asks,
'Well, what do YOU want?!'

'Is Dorothy here??'

[darmstadt]

A woman went to the A & E , where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told
her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the
corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat
her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the
first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman
is 63 years old, she has two grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?

[darmstadt]

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store

One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy.

"Siister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, she responded, it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was plastered

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed,

"Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied,

"And so it is, me lad, so it is...When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!"

[darmstadt]

1. Open a 'new file' in your computer.

2. Name it, 'Gordon Brown.'

3. Send it to the 'trash.'

4. Empty the 'trash.'

5. Your computer will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of
'Gordon
Brown?'

6. Firmly, Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

Next week we'll do David Cameron

[darmstadt]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for
the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had
a cupla drrrinks But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many
and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me
twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

[BrilloPad]

"Ten Things Men Shouldn't Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret"

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No thanks. Just sniffing.

8. I'll be in dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up, I'll wear it.

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The miracle what????? This is better than World Peace.

2. 75 BUCKS!?!?!?!?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!

1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

[blatant_pimp]

scottish, english and irish joke

Having dug to a depth of 10 meters, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 200 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 300 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," reported: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Dighe, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy concluded that 400 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

[BrilloPad]

Two women waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you
die?" the first woman asked the second. "I froze to death," said the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first woman.
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's
a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're
sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the
first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I
showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found him alone,
watching tv. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran
up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as
I could to the attic, and just as I got there I had a massive heart attack
and died. The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.
"What do you mean?" asked the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look
in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[meridian]

Not to be outdone by the Scots, British scientists

I'm confused