Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I
went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form
that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then
asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the
office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

[darmstadt]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken
advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[darmstadt]

Whenever you are having a rough day, try this stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The
funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
over a crystal clear stream.

2. You can feel both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "The
World".

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the
face of the person you are holding underwater.

See? It really does work. You're smiling already!

[darmstadt]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.


"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit
older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't
really have the energy I used to have."



She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".



"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"



She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.



She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.



Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to **** off.

[darmstadt]

Terrorist activity has caused the democrats to take measures to protect their fair-haired
candidate for the presidency.
For security reasons, they have suggested that Hillary have a Muslim name. From now on,
please refer to her by her new Muslim name:


Seldom Bin Layed

[darmstadt]

> Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff. Who wins?
> >A. Society.
> >
> >Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
> >A. Bus shelter.
> >
> >Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
> >A. Granny.
> >
> >Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
> >A. Innit.
> >
> >Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
> >A. Sorted.
> >
> >Q. What do you call a chav in a suit?
> >A. The defendant.
> >
> >Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
> >A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason
whatsoever.
> >
> >
> >Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
> >A. The bride.
> >
> >
> >Q. If you are driving and you see a chav on a bike, why should you
try
> >not to hit him?
> >A. It might be your bike.
> >
> >
> >Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
> >A. What you looking at?
> >
> >Q. Why are chavs like slinkeys?
> >A. They have no real use, but it is great to watch one fall down a
> > flight of stairs
> >
> >
> >Q. Two chavs in a car without any music - who is driving?
> >A. The policeman!
> >
> >Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
> >A. A start.
> >
> >
> >Q. Why is three chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
> >A. Because a Nova has four seats.
> >
> >
> >Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
> >A. Big Mac please.
> >
> >
> >Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
> >A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.

[darmstadt]

KEVIN KEEGAN: A CAREER IN QUOTES

After several whole seconds' hard thinking, we concluded there was no
better way to celebrate the career of a man who once uttered, "Batistuta
is very good at pulling off defenders," than by looking at some of his
finest oratories. Enjoy...

"People will say that was typical City, which really annoys me. But
that's typical City, I suppose..."

"If I had a blank piece of paper there'd be five names on it."

"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second
to none."

"By the end Asprilla was knackered-o. I think that's the Spanish for
it."

"They're the second best team in the world and there's no higher praise
than that."

"He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."

"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."

"The tide is very much in our court now."

"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."

"It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and
another up the chimney."

"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."

"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a
tackle, up pops a yellow card."

"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at
half-time."

"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win
this match or lose it."

"That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved."

And the single defining moment of his career, complete and uncut in all
its glory: "When you do that with footballers, like he said about
Leeds... I've kept really quiet, but I'll tell you something, he went
down in my estimations when he said that. We have not resorted to that,
but I'll tell you, you can tell him now, he'll be watching this, we're
still fighting for this title. He's got to go to Middlesbrough and get
something. I'll tell you honestly, I would love it if we beat them, love
it."

[darmstadt]

> SOMETIMES

>

>

> Sometimes...

> when you cry...

> no one sees your tears.

>

>

>

>

>

> Sometimes...

> when you are in pain...

> no one sees your hurt.

>

>

>

>

>

> Sometimes...

> when you are worried...

> no one sees your stress.

>

>

>

>

>

> Sometimes...

> when you are happy...

> no one sees your smile.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> But FART!!

>

> just ONE time...

>

> And everybody knows!!

[darmstadt]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping
the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.


As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six
generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd become mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "tulip" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre...........

[darmstadt]

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to
meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad." St. Peter says
"Sure, no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet
Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there stands
Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim is very
excited - "Moses, it's such an honour to meet you. But like I told St.
Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad". Moses says "No
problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The
Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, and he can't see anything but
bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?" The
figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks
over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He
says to God "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe it -
this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I
really want to meet Muhammad." God says "Oh. You're here to see Muhammad. I
see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or
something to eat?" The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee" God yells
into the kitchen... "Hey Muhammad. two coffees!"