Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers, it exploded
into roaring flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire
departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings
them out intact." The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their
attack on the fire.

After two hours of fighting the fire, another department was called in
and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the
firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a loud siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely
of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire
engine raced past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped
off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and
effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for
such a super-human feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and
walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the exciting
event on film. One of them asked, "What are you going to do with all
that money?

"Well," said the 70-year old fire chief, "the first thing we are going
to do is fix the brakes on the ******* truck!"

[BrilloPad]

Local authorities seeking to boost their budgets resulted in Turkey
counting at least 3.65 million non-existent people in a national census in
2000 which reported a national population of 64,059,000.

A Hells Angel called Snob (ardent biker Alan Fisher who runs "Snob's
Ultimate Customs" - a cluttered Harley Davidson shop in west London) will
lead a cavalcade of motorbikes through London next month as part of
official celebrations marking Queen Elizabeth's 50-year rule. "I am
honored to acknowledge the Queen's efforts to represent her people -- all
her people," said the dyslexic biker. "I will ride with pride."

Villagers in Meetankulam, a coconut palm-fringed coastal village in the
southern state of Tamil Nadu (southern India) have so much faith in a
local Hindu shrine dedicated to Lord Shiva Muniyappasamy that all 132
houses in the hamlet have no doors. They say that they have never heard of
a single burglary being reported in their community.

A Michigan court recently heard evidence from the world's worst hijacker.
The unnamed defendant was on an internal flight from New York when he
leapt to his feet, pulled a gun out of his pocket and screamed, 'Take me
to Detroit or you're all going to f***ing die!' When an air steward
pointed out, 'Er, we are going to Detroit,' he put his gun away, sat down
in a huff, and was silent for the remainder of the flight. He was arrested
as he got off the plane.

Five elephants have been drafted into service as bulldozers to break up
about to demolish 1,000 illegally-built two-room, thatched houses in a
protected forest area around Guwahati, the main city in the remote
tea-and-oil rich state of Assam.

For nine months none of thousands of motorists who daily ply downtown Los
Angeles' main freeway noticed that there was something odd about the large
sign guiding them through the complex and confusing transition from the
Harbor Freeway onto California's Interstate 5. It was a fake, but such a
clever fake that not even Caltrans, the agency responsible for the signs,
realized it was a hand-painted replica created by Los Angeles artist
Richard Ankrom as a benevolent gesture to guide motorists. Embarrassed
transportation officials who learned of it only in a local newspaper
column.

A Canadian family had to flee for safety after their pet Siamese cat went
on a rampage. The shaken group called police in the eastern port city of
Dartmouth after taking refuge on their lawn on Sunday evening. Earlier in
the afternoon, the cat had attacked the babysitter. The residents went to
check on the cat and, essentially, the cat went crazy on them as well. It
attacked the father and ripped his pants as well as the flesh underneath,"
police Sgt. Don Spicer said. It took police officers, armed with a
blanket and a clothes hamper, 20 minutes to corner the cat. Another
police officer said Cocoa was "a Siamese cat with an attitude problem."

Asia's poor countries briefly thought they had hit the jackpot on Saturday
when the 80-year-old Japanese Finance Minister Masajuro Shiokawa Japan
promised a staggering $500 billion to a regional poverty reduction fund at
an annual meeting of the Asian Development Bank (ADB) in Shanghai. But
his prepared speech in English distributed after he spoke said Japan would
only make a contribution of $50 million to the fund.

An Australian brothel has closed down after American sailors exhausted its
prostitutes. The Langtrees brothel in Perth took 580 bookings in three
days when three US warships docked in the harbour last month. Owner
Mary-Anne Kenworthy said she had now closed her doors because the girls
were too worn out to perform to their usual high standards. 'I would not
sell a man a hamburger if I thought my buns were stale.'

[BrilloPad]

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home
for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when
you light the 8 candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukkah." The Catholic girl then
asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the unleavened
bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover, Rosh Hashanah is
the holiday when we blow the shofar."

"See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you
Jews...you're so good to your staff."

[BrilloPad]

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try,
you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your
house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The
Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since
the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large
batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their
bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a
large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so
much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking
Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This
answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one
person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often
lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru
chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another
question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.


PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[BrilloPad]

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress
came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman
was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

[BrilloPad]

Little girl sitting in the back to her mother driving:
"are you ever the idiot?"

[BrilloPad]

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
it was split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked...
...but she didn't wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "**** him, He's only an egg.

[BrilloPad]

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim
was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town,
and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting
there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the
boat with him. Jim says 'No, that's ok. God will take care of
me.' So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time,
another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim
to get in. Jim replies, 'No, that's ok. God will take care of
me.' The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.
Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in
the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her 'That's ok.' The woman says 'Are you sure?'
Jim says, 'Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets
up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God
'You told me you would take care of me! What happened?'

God replied 'Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.
What else did you want?'

[BrilloPad]

BrilloPad 330
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 20


And I now have half the posts here - yeah...

[BrilloPad]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"