Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

> Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
> A: They are easier to amuse.
>
> Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
> A: A golden retriever.
>
> Q: Why were blondes created?
> A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

[BrilloPad]

> "Interspecies Communication Problems"
> What A Woman Says:
> "This place is a mess! C'mon,
> You and I need to clean up.
> Your stuff is lying on the floor,
> and you'll have no clothes to wear
> if we don't do laundry right now!"
>
> What A Man Hears:
> blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
> YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
> blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
> blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
> blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

[BrilloPad]

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That
way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says
"Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week
to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his
boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope . . .
Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test
it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They
want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts
when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna
lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist and
said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right
up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,
then
says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you
know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I
couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
eventually a
local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a
sign......until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help
myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and
said "No, I'm delivering a bridge...Here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are
you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your
sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

[BrilloPad]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pints
goes flat after I draw it, would taste better if you bought
one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink
one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just
fine," He explains. "It's just that me wife had us join
that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected me brothers though.

[BrilloPad]

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me... unfair!

3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little
like cat behind?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's
walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your sh1t up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the turd piles in the yard. Do you realise how far
behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud
moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge,
dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

[BrilloPad]

For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd love to give you a bicycle, but the mortgage on this house is
£120,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him, "I
was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were
pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an £120,000
mortgage and no transportation."

[BrilloPad]

Extract from Health Authority memo.......

......the long term implications of the use of drugs and procedures must
be fully considered. Over the last few years more money has been spent on
breast implants and Viagra than has been spent on Alzheimers Disease
research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large
number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who
can't remember what to do with them.

[BrilloPad]

===
COURT DOCKET - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the
fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this..
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help
but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that
said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that
said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling",
and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident"... I just lost it.

[BrilloPad]

A German desperate to relieve himself for two hours on a packed but
toiletless Frankfurt to Dresden train won $270 compensation from Deutsche
Bahn (Germany Railways) for what a Frankfurt court called his torture.
All the toilets on the were locked because there was no water for
flushing.

A man from Last Chance, Texas, who was diagnosed with a fatal brain tumour
decided to finish it quickly by shooting himself in the head. A friend
found him lying in a pool of blood and called an ambulance. Not only has
he recovered from his injury, but doctors say that he will now lead a
normal life, having shot the tumour right out of his brain.

A new law dictating that military officers must have a driver's license
should be overturned, according to a Swedish navy captain who says it is
senseless and threatens naval recruitment. "There are very few traffic
signs below sea level," Captain Leif Carlsson told the regional daily
Blekinge Lans Tidning which revealed four submarine officer cadets may
fail their final exams because they do not have a driver's license.

Robert Pettyjohn was sentenced to five years in prison on Friday in
Florida after he pleaded guilty to killing one llama and attacking another
with a golf club last year. He is already serving a three-year sentence
for killing a bull with a bow and arrow in a separate attack. The llama
that survived lost an eye.

The entrepreneurial spirit obviously runs strong in former Enron Corp.
Chairman Ken Lay's family. Lay's wife Linda and her daughter Robin are
opening a second-hand store to shed extraneous possessions from several of
the million-dollar vacation homes they were forced to sell because of
Enron's record bankruptcy. Dubbed Jus' Stuff, Linda Lay's boutique will
peddle used and new furnishings, many from the Lays' multiple luxury homes
in Aspen, Colorado, and Galveston, Texas, family spokeswoman Kelly
Kimberly said.

Disappointed with the loot they found in the safe at a Starbucks coffee
shop in Monroe, Washington, on Tuesday, armed bandits resorted to serving
lattes and cappuccinos at the drive-thru window to beef up their booty
with customer cash, police said.

A Manhattan cooperative housing board at 180 West End Avenue near Lincoln
Center has become the first operator of a large complex to bar new owners
from smoking in their own apartments, a move lawyers predicted will be
challenged in court.

Dudu Miah, a Bangladeshi snake charmer, called in to find two serpents in
a suburban home near the capital unearthed over 3,500 young cobras and
hundreds of eggs at two houses in Narayanganj near Dhaka. The find
triggered panic among neighbours who fled their homes, police said.

A controversial California bill aimed to slim down overweight children by
slapping a new 2 cent per can tax on popular soft drinks fizzled after
receiving a lacklustre response from lawmakers.


Braving a chilly morning and scores of giggling onlookers, more than 1,000
people stripped naked in three locations around Sao Paulo's central
Ibirapuera park to pose for a series of mass nude photographs by New
York-based artist Spencer Tunick. His last project was called "Naked
States" and involved similar photographs in all 50 U.S. states. "This is
the end of a journey. I was just in Antarctica photographing nudes and now
I'm in Sao Paulo," Tunick told reporters after the shoot.

[BrilloPad]

Why does Victoria Beckham shave David's head?
Someone told her her sex life would improve if she shaved her twat.