Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

A golfer accidentally overturned his electric golf cart.
A very attractive mature lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted golf cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." He took notice her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now, " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
The guy weakly replied: "Well, okay," and headed to her place.
After a couple of drinks and the inevitable sex, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly! Stay a little longer. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the golf cart, I guess!"

[darmstadt]

We call our granddad Spiderman. Not because he's got superhuman powers but because he can't get out of the bath.

[darmstadt]

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and answered,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

[darmstadt]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ!".

[darmstadt]

Dianne Abbott visited Vincent Nichols, Archbishop of Westminster.
She told the Archbishop that Jeremy Corbyn would be attending the next day's Mass and she asked if the Archbishop would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Jeremy a saint.
The Archbishop replied, "No. I don't really like the man and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of his views."
Abbott then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a donation of £250,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation that you see Jeremy as a saint."
The Archbishop thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Abbott had indicated, Jeremy Corbyn appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Archbishop pointed out that Mr Corbyn was present.
The Archbishop went on to explain to the congregation, "While Mr Corbyn's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Jeremy Corbyn is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Jeremy Corbyn is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He falsely obtained Union money and is using this wealth to lie to the British People. He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations. The man is simply not to be trusted.
The Archbishop concluded, "but, when compared with Dianne Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn is a saint."

[darmstadt]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel-Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago, and it is very lonely," she countered. ”Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussycats?”

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[darmstadt]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a rabbit!"

[darmstadt]

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.

He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout

"Donald, duck!"

[darmstadt]

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and
apples and so many things that made her recall
rather than forget her erotic mood.

She ended up buying far more than she needed.
When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.

As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers. She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries. The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control.
She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.

To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

[darmstadt]

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"