Please put more jokes here

[Money Money Money]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says:
'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I Can't figure out how to get it started.'


Boyfriend asks: 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'


Blonde says: 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'


Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him In and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.


He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her And says:
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'


Then he takes her hand and says:


'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,


And then........' he sighs










Let's put all these Frosties back in the box.'

[Money Money Money]

Had a prang in the car on the way to work this morning.










One of those new Skoda's ploughed into the back of me.











Cake and Jam everywhere !

[Money Money Money]

a lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion. the nutritionist says "its simple. you are what you eat". so the lesbian turns to her and says...

"are you calling me a *****?

[Cooperinliverp00l]

Why did the baker have brown hands....















cause he needed a poo !!

[Diver]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Let-Me-In]

A Swede is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a
typical Swedish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Swede just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Swedish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Swedish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Swedish father takes a long swig of Aquavit, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."

[Colemanisor]

Paddy's pregnant sister

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into
a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The
babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately - your brother came in and named them”.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me
brother...he's a fecking clueless idiot”. Expecting the worst, she
asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I
guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. "

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"



I'll get me coat

[Colemanisor]

Dealing with peace activists:-
With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try to convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all.
These activists may be alone or in a gathering.

Most of us do not know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us; we will only bring on more violence.
They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, twat them in the face.

3. When the person gets up off the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter.
Tell them if they are committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution.
Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again, only this time hit them much harder - and break their nose.

7. Repeat steps 2 - 6 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making (subsequent hospital bills and lawyer fees are your own responsibility though......).

[realityhack]

I was at a cash machine the other day, and a little old lady asked me to help her check her balance...



















...so I pushed her over.

[Colemanisor]

A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month..." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either..............