Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

> Samsung Electronics
> Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
> Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
> Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
> need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
> before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
> Opera tor: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
>
> RAC Motoring Services
> Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling
> in Australia?".
> Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
>
> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
> "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
> the other side of the car?".
>
>
> Directory Enquiries
> Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".
> Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".
> Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo ed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
> off".
>
> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
> Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?".
> Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".
>
> Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
> Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
> Caller: "The living room".
>
> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
> told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the
> window to write the number on".
>
> Computer Capers
> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
> Customer: "OK".
> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
> point?".
> Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
> Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
> the 'OK' button displayed?".
> Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?".
>
> Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
> that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
> file back again?".
>
> British Rail Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?".
> Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".
>
> Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through
> to enquiries, can you help?".
> Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
> Customer: " It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
> Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
>
> The Bank
> Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please".
> Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?".
> Caller: "Three years, please".
> Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that
> OK?".
> Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"
>

[BrilloPad]

Subject: FW: for historians

The following are quotes from British GCSE exam answers by 16 year olds.
Various answers have been collated together by subject (just in case you
think the answers in each topic were from just one candidate), and they
were compiled by the examiners themselves.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies. The Egyptians wrote in
hydraulics. Egyptians lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by camelot.
The climate of the Sahara is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
Adam and Eve's children, Cain, said "Am I my brother's son ?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread (which is bread made without any ingredients). Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. Moses died before he ever
reached Canada.

4. King Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Without the Greeks, we
would not have had history. The Greeks also had many myths.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that
name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher, who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from a large dose of wedlock. After
his death, Socrates' career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, and hurled the
biscuits. They also threw the java.

9. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. Caesar
was murdered by the Ides of March because they thought he was going to be
made king. Caesar's dying words were "Tee hee, Brutus".

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak. She was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offence.

13. The writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verses, and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth 1st was known as the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was
a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted "hurrah !"

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. Shakespeare never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. Shakespeare wrote
tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo
and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by Juliet.

18. Miguel Cervantes wrote at the same time as Shakespeare. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton, who wrote Paradise
Lost. After his wife died, Milton wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing in the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean. This was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died
and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had
to pay taxis. Delegates from the original states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Benjamin Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards. He later declared "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

22. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14th, Lincoln went to the theatre and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believed the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane
actor. The incident ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions, and had a large
number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German,
half Italian and half English. He was a very large man.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. This was why he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but Josephine was a baroness so she could not have children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was
in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63
years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Queen Victoria's death
was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The 19th Century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. In
agriculture, Cyrus McCormack invented the McCormack Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered the cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
radio. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an
anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[BrilloPad]

Guidelines for giving a truly terrible talk...

Strict adherence to the following time-tested guidelines will ensure that
both you and your work remain obscure and will guarantee an audience of
minimum size at your next talk.

_Presentation_

1. Don't organise your talk in advance. It is usually best not to even
think about it until your name has been called by the session chair.
Above all, don't write the talk out, for it may fall into enemy hands.

2. Never, ever rehearse, even briefly. Talks are best when they arise
spontaneously and in random order. Leave it as an exercise for the
listener to assemble your thoughts properly and make some sense of what
you say.

3. Discuss each slide in complete detail, especially those parts
irrelevant to the main points of your talk. If you suspect that there is
anyone in the audience who is not asleep, return to the previous slide
and discuss it again.

4. Face the projection screen, mumble, and talk as fast as possible,
especially while making important points. An alternative strategy is to
speak very slowly, leave every other sentence uncompleted, and punctuate
each thought with "ahh", "uhhh", or something equally informative.

5. Use up all of the allocated time and at least half, if not all, of the
next speaker's. This avoids foolish and annoying questions and forces the
chair to ride hard on the following speakers. Remember, the rest of the
speakers don't have anything important to say anyway.

_Overheads_

1. Use lots of slides. A rule of thumb is one slide for each 10 seconds
of time allocated for your talk.

2. Put as much information on each slide as possible. Graphs with a dozen
or so crossing lines, tables with at least 100 entries, and maps with 20
or 30 units are especially effective; but equations, particularly if they
contain at least 15 terms and 20 variables, are almost as good. A high
density of detailed and marginally relevant data usually pre-empts
questions from the audience.

3. Use small print. Anyone who has not had the foresight to either sit in
the front row or bring a set of binoculars is probably not smart enough
to understand your talk anyway.

4. Use figures and tables directly from publications. They will help you
accomplish goals 2 and 3 above and minimise the preparation for the talk.

(Reproduced from Oxford Polytechnic Teaching News

[BrilloPad]

> Subject: Fwd: The rules - by men
>
> We always hear "the rules" from the female perspective. Now here are the
> rules from the male perspective...
>
>
> Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
> THE RULES
>
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
> down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
> you leaving it down.
>
> 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
> can find the perfect present yet again!
>
> 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
>
> 1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
> Let it be.
>
> 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
> short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
> married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
>
> 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
> way.
>
> 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
> work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
>
> 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on calendar.
> Remind us frequently beforehand.
>
> 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
> be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
> your dress?
>
> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
> we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
> 1. Check your oil! Please.
>
> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
> all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
> act like soap opera guys.
>
> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
> answer.
>
> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
> makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
>
> 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
> Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
>
> 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> commercials.
>
> 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
> 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
> we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
>
> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
> for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
> idea what mauve is.
>
> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
> 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading
> ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>
> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
> nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
> hassle.
>
> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
> don't want to hear.
>
> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
> Really.
>
> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
> discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
> trucks.
>
> 1. You have enough clothes.
>
> 1. You have too many shoes.
>
> 1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
> some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
>
> 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
> No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
> 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
> 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
> tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
>
> 1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
>

[BrilloPad]

A woman was driving through the desert when her car broke down. An indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in the town, her let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, ‘Yahoo’ and rode off.

‘What did you do to get the Indian so excited?’ asked the service station attendant.

‘Nothing,’ said the woman, shrugging. ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’

‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians ride bareback…’

[BrilloPad]

A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.
"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

[BrilloPad]

And then there were the three inmates at the Sunnyvale Institute for the
Mentally Challenged...
All three were being evaluated,the Doctor asked each of them the same
question-"What do you get when you multiply 3 by 3?"
The first inmate replied "156"
The second inmate replied "Tuesday"
The third inmate replied "9"
"That's the right answer!!!" the doctor told the third inmate.
"How did you figure it out" the Doctor asked.
"Simple" he replied. "You just subtract Tuesday from 156!!"

[BrilloPad]

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just
passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding
it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly
break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and
crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third
was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it
with the other."

[BrilloPad]

Q: What do you feed an invisible cat?
A: Evaporated milk.......

[BrilloPad]

The new Regional Psychiatric Centre Hotline Answering System "Hello, welcome to the R.P.C. telephone hotline. In Order to assist you better please choose....

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Thank you for calling. "